[Arcticfox]

Okay, so tomorrow will be our 21th wedding anniversary. H reminded me of it. I told him that I remember… so, he said: let’s not celebrate it. At least not this year.

What should I make of that? Nothing probably. Only that he does not know what he wants.

We came to spend time at our summer cottage by a lake. He said he wants to so some repairs here (they should have been done two years ago but he has been dragging his feet, in retrospect I think it has been the depression). Now he is determined to make those repairs before moving out. The cabin has been built by my parents and I own a part. In any case, H said he wants to come spend a few weeks there as it is important for the boys.

It has been going surprisingly well for us two here. I have been able to be calm and detached for most of the time. But of course I am not energetic and happy (like the WW has been described by H). Somehow I feel I should be such great company that he regrets moving out. But I am me, and in this situation, who would be full of bubbling energy? I find myself pretending just a little.

That said, things feel surprisingly easy and light here. We have played board games with the kids and shared laughs. There is light chit chat and he will almost every day want to do some activity with me even though he said he is here for the boys’ sake. It almost feels like there is nothing wrong but then he will say something like ”the new furniture I ordered for my flat will be coming on day x” or ”I may have a work trip on my parenting week so we have to figure out how to arrange that”.

The latter got me seething inwardly as there was no problem with work trips or sick kids when we were together. The everyday family life was still kind of a grind with lots of life admin needed even living together. But we had it working or frankly, I had things rolling. And now he is adding another level of complication for no reason that makes any sense.

We have been watching netflix every night before bed and yesterday for example he held me close and held my hand a long time. But he can’t say honey or ”I like you”. I don’t get it I just don’t. I am so confused. I he cares about me at all and loves the boys and the dog, why does he need to do this? How CAN he do this? And how can he act so normal most of the time, so calm and composed and friendly? I would feel better if he would rage or cry. He is just adamant that he will move out on the 19th of this month.

This sucks.

[Treasur]

I am sorry, it sounds hard to be in a kind of half-married and to know that he is moving out. It’s a very confusing time, isn’t it?

You ask why and how can he? Put simply, at least at the moment, your h probably thinks he can discard the bits of you/family life he doesn’t want, keep what he does and skip off to enjoy his new magic happy life. And bc he thinks he can. (There’s an English phrase about having your cake and eating it, and most of these folks do this at least for a while.)

I’d encourage you to start quietly thinking now about new life ‘rules’ once he moves out, about boundaries essentially. Will you still be available for Netflix and hand holding? Will you still do collective family holidays? Or play board games? Or let him use the cabin without you or the kids there? (Bc sadly it’s not unusual for them to import an ow into what was a family-owned  space) What do the kids know? And how will you organise him spending time with them (or the dog lol) in a way which does not feel too distressing or uncomfortable for you?

It’s a good time to think about your own limits now, about how much cake you are prepared to offer. Or not. He probably won’t like any new boundaries much bc these folks don’t. He will probably try to gaslight you about it or manipulate you; don’t let him. He is the one choosing to change how life works, after all - you are just working out how you want to adapt to that new situation. Read about DARVO bc I bet you’ll see some. Read more stories here so you can understand in your bones that you can’t nice him back and that you and your kids lives exist for a bigger purpose than doling out endless cake! And I’d consult a lawyer about securing ownership of that log cabin so it stays in YOUR family as they were the ones that built it. Oh, and maybe find a local reliable handyman for those repairs!

But I am so sorry bc this is a hard time, we know.

[UrsaMajor]

What should I make of that? Nothing probably. Only that he does not know what he wants.
<...snip...>
 I don’t get it I just don’t. I am so confused. I he cares about me at all and loves the boys and the dog, why does he need to do this? How CAN he do this? And how can he act so normal most of the time, so calm and composed and friendly?

One tried, tested and proven UM'ism coming up.....

What should you make of that? Why does he need to do this?

What does green taste like after you stick your elbow in it?

You'll have about as much success answering that question as you will the previous two... As Treasur noted, one answer is "Because he thinks he can and that you are just to going to accept (and support) his new reality. The problem with that is a) he doesn't have a firetrucking clue what that "new reality" is supposed to look like. He's making it all up as he goes along by seeing what gets him the biggest dopamine rush and doing that and b) He hasn't yet had to experience the "real world consequences" of his actions, including boundaries and NOT always getting what he wants at any specific moment.

As Treasur also noted, Mid-Lifers have real antipathy towards consequences, responsibility, and boundaries applied to them. They see them much as as Leona Helmsley saw Income Taxes - "Oh, that is just for the little people to pay" - before she was found guilty and sentenced to prison for Tax Evasion so you can expet a temper tantrum of some form when those boundaries and consequences are being established or have an impact.

T makes a VERY good point about the cabin. Your family built it and he should be excluded from any ownership of any part of it if at all possible.

[Arcticfox]

Thank you for your replies Treasur and Ursa! They helped me process this crazyness a little. I have nothing much to say at the moment, I am without words.

Today would be our 21st wedding anniversary.

[Treasur]

Hug xxx

My young neighbours are getting married in a couple of weeks and I have been chatting to them about it. Even a couple of years ago, I couldn’t. Much like Marvin says in his recent post (and his timescale is similar to mine), I too have found that time and distance has quietened a lot of the churn and that allows me now to look back on things with a smile.

I have no idea really what happened to the person I knew, and I would rather go to the dentist than talk to him now lol….but I loved him and it felt like a good kind of love to me and I appreciated it and him very much. I think he was a fool to throw it away as if it was all nothing, but it helps to truly see that I just could not have foreseen it as I don’t really even understand it now, and I tried my best.  But reaching that point - where I can celebrate the memory of things worth celebrating - has taken me several years. And I still quietly remember my anniversary on 12th Sept just like I quietly remember my Dad’s birthday even though he died just before BD.

The chances are strong that your experience will be much the same. It’s just hard to see the horizon when you are still on the battlefield, isn’t it?

[Arcticfox]

(((hug)))

You’re right, I know things will get easier and better as time passes. I sort of know it but don’t feel it at the same time.

I would think he will come back, if he hadn’t said he hasn’t loved me for years any more. Well pretended, I didn’t have a clue.

I know the best thing to do is just wait and live my life, and time will pass on its own accord. This process can’t be hurried. Or these processes. Meaning mine, his, and what is left of what was us.

[Arcticfox]

This is odd.

Two days ago I was so angry at H.

Yesterday I was teary-eyed for most if the time (although I try to hide my tears from him).

As I woke up today, probably the first time since BD the first thought on my mind wasn’t ”how can this nightmare be true that he will abandon me?”. Instead my first conscious thought was that I cannot remember how it felt to trust him. Not just that I do not trust him anymore and I used to rely on him 100%. But I can’t even remember how it felt.

I guess this is progress although it does not actually make me happy that this is the direction I must head. Today I have mostly felt at peace no matter what the future brings.

I hope that I can remember this calm and strong feeling when the next angry or sad or desperate day comes (probably tomorrow  )

[Treasur]

I think you said he is moving out on the 19th?

Progress forward - and I prefer ‘moving forward’ to ‘moving on’ as a phrase because it seems more like a real description of how it is - often comes in small steps imho. Sometimes in moments at the beginning, sometimes up and down. It’s normal; how you feel is normal. Looking back, it’s easier to see the shift and one’s own progress. What matters imho is the overall direction, which way your head is facing if that makes sense. And small steps matter bc they unfold into bigger things with time. Think of it working a bit like compound interest works in a savings account perhaps 😝

I wonder if you might find it useful as a small step to put a boundary in place for yourself after he moves out? Something like no contact at all (unless there is a life-threatening emergency!) for 5 days or a week or 2 weeks - whatever feels doable to you. No meetings, no visits, no phone calls, no texts or emails - just silence and space. Give yourself a break from the rollercoaster and a chance to breathe a bit. Let him feel the new reality he has chosen without you being available. Give everyone a chance for the big emotions to settle down a little. What do you think?

[Arcticfox]

Yes he will leave from the cottage on 19th of this month (about a week from now) and go move his clothes and things to his new apartment from our home.

I will stay at the cabin with the boys for 1 more week.

After that, (about two weeks from now) my niece has her confirmation, me and H are her godparents so we will likely both be attending the party. (Interestingly there is another couple where only the husband will be attending as he and his wife are divorcing as the wife just turned 50 and she is having a difficult time with herswlf or this is the explanation I was given). That is probably going to be one sad party. I guess me and H need to get in the same car to drive there (two hour trip each way).

So after that, I have planned to go NC as much as possible. Unfortunately I predict there will be need of communication considering the kids’ stuff. School will also start then and kids should be going week/week to each place. I expect their stuff to be all over the place and S14 not wanting to go to his dad’s place and H telling me I need to make S14 come.

But other than kid stuff I intend to be pretty much NC until we have the marital therapy session on 26.8. I think. So I will meet him at the therapist’s office  then. That is going to be so scary, not knowing whether he has found someone or wants to divorce or whatever. But I guess he needs his space and I could use some as well.

Then there is S14’s confirmation in september… i suppose I must invite his dad  wait actually I don’t know whose week that is, can you tell this is all new to me 

[Treasur]

Fwiw I’d suggest you plan to travel to your niece’s confirmation on your own. Or even better, if possible, with a friend or family member. Why? Bc these crisis folks are unreliable. Bc being trapped in a car in an uncomfortable situation is never good. Bc it’s good to not be depending on him for anything right now. If you MUST share a car for some reason - and I assume you can drive - then YOU drive, YOU set the departure time and leave without him if he’s not ready and then YOU can choose when you leave.

Sorry I can’t recall….how much have you told your wider family about what’s going on? Do they know he’s moving out and has said he wants a divorce?

You share kids so, yes, there may need to be some basic factual communication. Take your time now to think about how you intend for that to happen which will be better for you and the kids. Jmo but aim for the bare minimum and try to do it in a BIFF way - brief, informational, firm and friendly (as in polite not as in like a close friend). Do not expect much in the way of empathy or consideration. Do not share your feelings, just facts. Consider who should pick up/drop off kids and manage kids schedules, school etc. might be worth informing the school too if you have not done so already.

 Read stories here from other parents…it’s not your job to maintain or fix his relationship with your kids, just to not get in the way of it. Depending on where you live, your son may have the legal right to decide for himself?

Can’t remember, have you taken legal advice on things like custody, child support and finances? I ask bc unwittingly during a ‘separation’ ( particularly when the LBS is hoping it’s a temporary separation) one can set precedents for a future divorce settlement that may not be what you think is best for you or your kids. Jmo.