[Arcticfox]

The cabin thing is kind of stupid.

My parents gifted half to me and half to my sister as they are getting older and the upkeep was too much for them so it was stressing them out. This gift giving and signing the papers happened 9/2024. So H had already fallen head over heels forWW! I discussed with him is it okay that my parents gift me half of the cottage and H okeyed it. Had I known of his infatuation I would have adviced my parents differently!

In their testaments, spousal rights to inherited property are denied from spouses of daughters. But as they gifted me my half of the cabin they left that clause out of the papers, as H has helped fix and build things at the cabin and he was supposed to be the worlds’ most trustworthy man and the guy who would do most of the repairs there in the future (my sister’s spouse is no good). And also my parents wanted to show H they appreciate everything he did there while they still owned the cabin.

Well stupid is an understatement in this case but I cannot think of a better word.

[forthetrees]

You might be able to get him to sign an additional document with the clause protecting your ownership rights while he is still in the phase of feeling some guilt and not wanting to look like the bad guy. Realistically why would he want to come to the cabin if you are separated and he would have to be the ultimate $h!te to make you buy him out or sell to give him "his share." BUT... I never stopped being surprised by the next new low that came my way.

If the trigger for filing for a D is after he buys the expensive car, that is too late. I get it, I truly get it, you don´t want to be the one to rock the boat or do anything to jeopardize the reconciliation. Unfortunately he has already put it all in jeopardy and at this point you are trying to safeguard what is left. The track record on this site is that those who acted sooner got better deals than those who waited it out longer. Usually that is due to an OW pressuring the MLCer to short the LBS so that she can benefit from the deal.

[Arcticfox]

Thank you forthetrees and thank you everybody who encouraged me to talk to a lawyer! I will do that in the beginning of August. Probably would not have had the courage to do it so soon if not for your advice!

I will not report here accurately what the lawyer tells me, just in case. H is up late every night reading about relationships. Not something he ever did before. Hope he doesn’t find this place.

I did ask him if he will leave me his car keys. Because if he needs space it is not a good idea to share it on a ”who needs the car more tomorrow” basis as we have done. From where we live, most places where we go to (grocery store, kids’ hobbies, a big mall with everything one needs) can be reached by foot and public transport is also okay. My 2nd job is the furthest away and that is where I will pick up more shifts.

He did ask if he can borrow the car sometimes if he needs to drive the kids somewhere like a doctor’s appointments. I said yes, figuring it will be an opportunity for positive contact and also maybe avoid him really getting the audi…

He has been really sensible, no monster, but it has been so weird at the cottage with everybody playing happy family. Tomorrow he goes. I would like to ask him if he is really happy with his decision but I know I probably should not do it? He is an adult and could cancel moving out if he wanted to.

[Treasur]

Actions over words is one of the things we LBS learn, I’m afraid. You’re quite right….whether he is ‘happy’ or not, moving out is a choice. And it’s a big one that will change a lot of things for all of you, some that you can foresee and others that neither of you might be able to foresee yet. So imho, we learn to accept that what matters most is what people actually DO over what they say or how they might feel about what they do. Bc actions create effects and it is the effects that we LBS often find ourselves struggling with.

Nonetheless I imagine that this is going to be a tough week for you - I can only advise you to go gently with yourself and try to plan something small and pleasing for yourself as a bit of heart balm. X

[forthetrees]

Yo que tú (If I were you), I would not ask him if he´s happy with the move-out decision. I also would refrain from commenting at all about why he is leaving the cabin. Sooner or later you will reach a place where you do not ask or say things that provide him an opportunity to give you an emotional kick in the teeth. Remember, you would be asking an emotionally dysregulated person about their emotional state which is quite volatile. The answer is meaningless bc it is literally a moment in time. The answer tells you nothing but the answer may reverberate in your mind for a very long time especially if you interpret it as hurtful. Asking him would be an unforced error.

The forum chorus of suggesting that you seek legal advice is bc we´ve all been shafted one way or another as the LBS along the journey and we don´t want the next LBS to suffer yet another blow when it is avoidable.

When he leaves the cabin you will likely feel a huge sense of a decrease in tension and I hope you and your kids enjoy the rest of the time there going into nature to revel in Mother Nature´s wonders.

[UrsaMajor]

2 things here:

1) As Treasur noted - words mean absolutely ZIP NADA NICHTS to a Mid-Lifer. Words are just noises that come out of their mouths and off the tip of their tongues at any moment in time without a real thought process behind them for the most part. Consistent actions are the measure here... If the words happen to match the CONSISTENT actions, so much the better but .... Believe nothing of what a Mid-Lifer says and only about 50% of what you see them do unless it is consistent.
2) With respect to #1 - FTT and Treasur both said it.... and I hinted <snort> at it above. What you'll get as an answer will be a word salad without real meaning. It will be either what he thinks you want to hear on order to not be the bad guy in your eyes or it will be some sort of blame game where you are the cause for every thing bad in his entire life or it will be some sort of beneath the belt blah blah blah designed to inflict the greatest possible amount of damage....

You are dealing with enough as it is.

Once he heads back to whatever rock he has decided to crawl under, I expect that you might just be able to relax a bit and enjoy the rest of your time at the cabin with your kids....

[marvin4242]

Your are getting stellar advice here, I would urge you read it all carefully and no matter how much it may not what you want to hear what is being said take heed.

What I wanted to add is this: your MLCer is living in a fractured world of feeling and incoherent and incompatible thoughts. He is escaping, not in reality, in denial. I kind of like to think of it as living in a funhouse hall of mirrors as your entire world of feeling and thinking. Every time you have the urge to engage, believe in, or hope for some reality you are CHOOSING to join him in this fractured existence. If I asked you would you have a serious conversation, make plans with, or hang your hopes on a person who is having a psychosis of some sort what would you to that?

Plan and act accordingly. Including get a lawyer now. I would tell you the amount of money that has been burned through and some of the circumstances that people have been left in because they didn't want to protect themselves. But there is a very large record right here if you read the forums. I personally know at least 3 LBSes whose financial lives will never recover in their lifetimes.

[Arcticfox]

No no, although I am not happy at all with the situation, I recognize that the advice is stellar! Everybody is spot on again.

He left yesterday. I feel very alone in the world at the moment even though I have my kids, my relatives, and some lovely friends. (So grateful for them all!). H couldn´t look me in the eye at all yesterday (but we had sex?) Maybe I was taken advantage of there, not that I suffered, but maybe I paved the way back a little, in case he wants to take that way someday. Who knows as he doesn´t (based on not wanting to actually divorce yet).

It is very hard, not knowing at all what the future will bring. Although of course we never really do but I liked the illusion of certainty and safety. I am trying to concentrate on the now, on being there for the kids, and my emotional and financial survival, and not dwell on possible outcomes but it is a challenge. Will he want to come back or not? Will I want him anymore? Will I find somebody else eventually or be alone? I just keep reminding myself that time will tell.

[Arcticfox]

I am having a good day today. Probably because I have been busy doing things. I feel that everything will be okay some years from now.

This may seem self-evident but I will write it up for myself for when I have a bad day again and don´t know how I will survive:

At the moment I am alone (except for the kids of course!).  I can do this, I was living alone (and without kids) before meeting H. There are many different outcomes for this situation.  H may want to come back or not. I may find someone else or not. If H wants to reconnect, I might want to do that - or not. In any case, life for me will at some point be good.

There.

[forthetrees]

Yes, there is the convincing of oneself that you are going to be ok- eventually. I used to tell myself, "The only way past it is through it."
Homework assignment- go to a farmers´market and find produce that epitomizes the height of summer for you. Make a dish that reminds you of the simplicity of being a kid. Prep the meal with your kiddos. Relish every bite.