[Dragonfly33]

Maybe closure is the wrong word. Divorce and the sale of the investment property will pretty much sever all ties since we have no kids. There will be no more reasons to mail each other, no unfinished business, no reason to ever be in the same room again.. My expectation is that H will then become a true vanisher and I will never hear from him again. While this sounds somehow shocking in a way, it hopefully brings a new layer of healing for me and I'm looking forward to that. We shall see....

We have the same situation One Day. My h and I have been married for more than a decade and we also have no kids. We don't even have any property so the D should be easy. We have our first trial in two weeks it has caused me a lot of anxiety. Like yours, most likely he will vanished after the D. I was also hoping that after the D I can move on and fully heal.

So no awkward meeting in the court house which is a relief but at the same time it feels like adding insult to injury... he couldn't even be bothered turning up for his own divorce? Anyway, another thing to process and accept. It might make things easier but it feels unfair he continues to hide while I'm the only one who has to show up to the $%&t show HE created.

Probably him not showing up at the court is a good thing. I am dreading the day that I have to face my soon to be Ex at the court. I don't know how I would react. I would wish that we never have to see each other again.

I don't think your H is truly happy. Most of them if not all think they will be happy once they are away from the LBS but because they are actually the problem, they will continue to be unhappy until the time the look inside and work on themselves. The affair or in my H's case his obsession on his triathlon is just an escape and the young OW are just an escape. Unless he finally works on himself maybe then he will be happy again.

[Imgood]

I’m in the middle of my divorce, too. We’re negotiating between ourselves and it’s going well. It’s so weird, he came by where I work, last Wednesday to meet the gas/heat guy at our business and he knew I was having some trouble with my car. The tire sensor light was on for the last couple of months and I had just gotten new tires for the front end, two months ago. Anyways, I think coming by was just an excuse, he asked for the keys to my car and went and put air in my tires for me. He looks terrible. I cannot believe how much he has aged in the last 18 months. It’s very sad to see. I couldn’t even tell you the last time he cut his hair. It was long in April….he still hasn’t cut it! He doesn’t look happy either. To my knowledge, there is no OW but who knows…there could be an online EA…….he’s a wallower. Once the divorce goes through H claims he’s buying or building a house. I bet he builds…he loves doing that…….it will be a GREAT distraction for him not to have to, look at himself. Run and avoid! Run and avoid! Ugh!

[One day at a time]

Thanks UM, MadLuv, Dragonfly and Imgood

The divorce part is probably hard for everyone in this situation. I'm over 5 years out and H moved abroad 4 years ago and I have not spoken on the phone or seen him since then so I have been able to accept the marriage is over, heal quite a bit and move on with my life however the divorce still sucks. It's simply a reminder of how the marriage ended and how my life was forced to change. I made the most of it and I'm truly happy with what I achieved since he left but the damage he created with his grand exit is here to stay as far as I can see.

The legal jargon is getting to me. What H sent me sounded like his lawyer will act on his behalf but the additional paperwork I got from my solicitor seems to imply he will be here so back to prepare myself mentally for seeing him after so long. I got in contact with my IC and I will have a few sessions with her before D-Day. This divorce has been in the works for 2 years so is not unexpected. The terms are all agreed and signed already so the court date is a simple tick in the box. I'll be glad to have it done but I guess I'm worried about how I will feel if I have to face him again.

I don't think H is happy. My guess is that he still blames me for his unhappiness as the fact that he's still married to me has prevented him from marry OW officially. That means they can't move together to this country and by the looks of it, she might not be able to live permanently in the country where H is currently (either that or they are constantly having fights and she moves back home) It will be interesting to see what happens once the divorce is finalized.. I'm happy the investment property will be sold as it's quite close to my house and as much as I accepted the marriage is over, I don't think I could tolerate H and OW living in the neighborhood 

Here to all of us trying to get through the divorce!!

[MadLuv]

There is an old classic movie from 1939 called The Women that is an MLC movie to the T if there ever was one. When the women go to get a divorce from their cheating spouses they go to a ranch in Reno. There is a scene in the movie  where the women talk about where love has got them. On the train to Reno. They then lift their glasses and saying “ to Reno”  I think that will always come to mind now when I life my glass to cheers anything. Those little movie lines stick and sometimes can make things better in a moment ! Heheh

[sachertorte]

Sorry you are going through that. XH's lawyer terrified him (no doubt to extract more money), so when I told him he was going to the court house alone for the dissolution of our marriage before the judge, he called and tried to wheedle me into going.

It was really outlandish. I stood my ground. Like you all said, this was their decision and their circus. I could not prevent it, I have to live with it, but I should not have to partake of it!

He was going by the premise of "I know this woman loves me, so I'll use that to compel her to watch me trample that love underfoot one last time." No thanks. I was responsible 50% for the failure of our marriage, but I did not deserve that.

I told him calmly and sweetly that he had nothing to worry about, there is nothing under the sun that can stop the dissolution, and even if there were I had no intention to sabotage his plans. It was a rare assertion of my will and preference in the end of my cherished union.

I am endlessly grateful that US law is so humane as to concede the right of the unwilling spouse not to have to witness that debacle. I am happy I survived that. It will always mean a lot to me that I was left alone when I needed it the most.

[One day at a time]

There is an old classic movie from 1939 called The Women that is an MLC movie to the T if there ever was one. When the women go to get a divorce from their cheating spouses they go to a ranch in Reno. There is a scene in the movie  where the women talk about where love has got them. On the train to Reno. They then lift their glasses and saying “ to Reno”  I think that will always come to mind now when I life my glass to cheers anything. Those little movie lines stick and sometimes can make things better in a moment ! Heheh

That made me laugh... To be honest, I look at my life now and there has been a lot of good things since H left 4 and a half years ago. Good things in life and in myself, I do feel like a much more improved person overall. And I'm not sure I would be the person I am now if my marriage continued.. It's a very sad situation when I had to have my life blown up to grow but that's essentially what happened to me.

I am endlessly grateful that US law is so humane as to concede the right of the unwilling spouse not to have to witness that debacle. I am happy I survived that. It will always mean a lot to me that I was left alone when I needed it the most.

Yes, here you need to go and stand in front of a judge to "confirm" that there is no chance of reconciliation.. Would you go through the heartache and the expense of the divorce process to then sit in front of the judge and say... "Actually, I changed my mind" If 2 people engage in the process and sign an agreement that deals with all the practicalities, specially when there's no children, why prolong the matter. We've been living in different countries for 4 years!!!!

[Music45]

Hello everyone
I'm not sure who's still around from 2016 but I caught up with Keeping It Together's thread and I thought maybe I should update mine.

Unlike in KiTs situation though (BD around the same time), my H shows no sign of coming out of his MLC.

He's gone from a clinging boomerang for over 6 years (messages every day etc) and with a lengthy t&g which ended last summer -  to a semi vanisher.

He called me out of the blue last Monday and told me he's going to New Zealand (we're in the UK) for 3 months in the New Year. With the OW.
I'd heard of this from S a while ago but didn't think it was for so long.

S was with him the next day and said his Dad is aware that he's running from something and that there's something not right...but he's either unwilling or unable to talk to someone or whatever to get the help he needs.

I don't know what to make of this latest development.  As in how it affects my stand. I'm just getting on with life. Moved house in May do have started the long process of doing the place up. Been going to work. Very close to S and D.
Not really sure though how to continue my stand now. He's still running and changed his "contact type". I clearly feature very little in his thoughts now. Even 6 months ago I'd gave been surprised at this latest turn - given how much I saw and heard from him.

Hugs all.

[Treasur]

He's gone from a clinging boomerang for over 6 years (messages every day etc) and with a lengthy t&g which ended last summer -  to a semi vanisher.

He called me out of the blue last Monday and told me he's going to New Zealand (we're in the UK) for 3 months in the New Year. With the OW.
I'd heard of this from S a while ago but didn't think it was for so long.

S was with him the next day and said his Dad is aware that he's running from something and that there's something not right...but he's either unwilling or unable to talk to someone or whatever to get the help he needs.

I don't know what to make of this latest development.  As in how it affects my stand. I'm just getting on with life.

Nice to hear from you, Music! Different situation here, but similar timescale. Can’t recall, are you legally divorced now or just separated? How old are your kids?

From stories here, those changes in contact ‘types’ are not unusual over time. I guess if you use MLC logic, it’s like throwing spaghetti at a wall to see what sticks...still not ‘happy’ so i’ll try x or y now.

On a practical level, as someone with a long vanished Vanisher lol, I think there comes a point where what they do or don’t do no longer makes much difference to how everyday life is to you. In NZ or down the road, partying like a happy spring lamb or sobbing into their boots unseen, it all has no real effect on your own day to day life, challenges and joys. Which in a strange way is actually the gift of a vanisher imho. And it allows one perhaps to chew less on whether one is standing or not until or unless something changes that raises the question again. One learns I think, as it sounds you are doing, to just do life regardless.

A bit odd, of course, that he thought his plans needing announcing to you or that you would care  well, not odd for a self-obsessed MLCer unable to look beyond their own nose, of course  Does it matter to you now? Why do you think he felt the need to share this information with you? Is it something you feel you need to muse on at all?

Sounds as if the rest of life is going ok though?

[xyzcf]

Hello Music45, thanks for dropping by with your update.

Your son's observation is very astute:

S was with him the next day and said his Dad is aware that he's running from something and that there's something not right...but he's either unwilling or unable to talk to someone or whatever to get the help he needs.

What is hard to wrap our heads around is how many years they continue down this path. Looking for that "next big thing" that will satisfy their hearts. Do they ever find it? I don't know because I am not in their head.

This tremendous shift in them, although we can "see" it..it is still difficult at times to accept this is who they have become....

I don't know what to make of this latest development.  As in how it affects my stand. I'm just getting on with life. Moved house in May do have started the long process of doing the place up. Been going to work. Very close to S and D.

Over time, healing allows us to move forward in our own life. Like you, I have a very close relationship with my daughter who also is very aware of the changes in her father.

Standing is such an individual and complicated thing. It is also very mysterious because I would never have thought this would be my path...and yet it is. It hasn't changed, although I  question and wonder why.....but mostly I accept that this is God's desire for me....it is not about my husband's returning, but my own inner beliefs and how I wish to live my life.

You will know what is right for you. Standing doesn't mean putting my life on hold or waiting for him to return. Two things of many that it means to me is that I don't date (and there are several reasons I think for that) and the door has always remained opened for my husband to come back to our family.

Nobody can decide for you.

He's gone from a clinging boomerang for over 6 years (messages every day etc) and with a lengthy t&g which ended last summer -  to a semi vanisher.

It is quite common for the MLCer to do this...periods where they interact more with us, then long periods of time go by without hearing from them and then we hear from them again. This can be very unsettling until we reach a point where we  are very aware that this is his "pattern". As Ursa says...trying to understand it is like trying to taste the color green.

Although I continue to remain interested in the subject of what causes MLC (just like I am fixated on COVID having been an infectious disease nurse for much of my career) I also accept that there is much I cannot explain or comprehend about his life.

I hope you are enjoying your new home and your son and daughter.

One thing about his announcement that he is going to NZ and why he would let you know....I remember being told a long time ago that the MLCer is like a little boy about to get on his school bus, and he looks back to see if you are there watching him.

You are a person that he trusts, no matter how far away, he will continue to have a connection to you. What it means down the road, best not to focus on that because we truly do not know what life holds for us.

(((HUGS))) back and enjoy this beautiful holiday season!

[Music45]

Hello Treasur - thank you for your reply. My S is 30 and D is 23. I am their stepmum - they have no contact with their Mum [their choice and that's a whole other story]. We are separated in every practical way but not divorced. H has never brought it up and I haven't felt like it so far.

I don't know why he called to tell me. He sounded very odd. I'd say nervous. Apprehensive. Certainly not entitled or matter of fact. He also tried to justify the trip - which contradicted what he'd told S some months ago. I don't know why he felt that necessary. As you rightly say, in all practical terms, he could be a mile away for 3 months and I might not see him now.

For some reason, for me, his trip feels significant - and I can't put my finger on why.

Thanks xyzcf. S is astute...he picks up far more than he appears to. He and D have a lot of baggage from their relationship with their Mum and one of the consequences of this is that S doesn't show much emotion and can seem a bit cold - when in fact he notices everything and feels things deeply. He's in counselling and has been for some time and will be for some time - mainly because his mum and a lot now because of his Dad [who definitely did not want to be a parent anymore at BD - he said as much]
Poor kids. Both parents have turned out to be challenging - though I hope in H's case, it's not permanent and damage can be repaired. I'm fairly sure that S would have nothing more to do with his mum now. D is more forgiving - so don't know in her case. She's certainly less critical of her Dad that S is - even though she calls out behaviour by celebrities who too have had affairs and left their families - somehow she doesn't seem as critical of her own dad for doing the same.

The interesting thing about S's convo with H is that it was H who said he knows he's got a problem - knows he's trying to outrun something but doesn't know what. He said as much apparently. But he HAS to go to New Zealand. HAS TO GO. S is baffled by this. S is also baffled by H and the OW. Has now told H that when he sees him, he doesn't want to see her too. S says both are broken and believes she calls the shots. He doesn't like her - and he did try. He went through a period where he just wanted to "live and let live" and if she was there then he'd just get on with it.
Having tried that and spent more time with her - he now says he just doesn't like her and does not understand what his Dad is doing with her. Says their relationship is nothing like his Dad and me.
{none of this is for my benefit btw - I neither encourage or deter. They are adults}

So there it is. The thing about standing for me is - that I found it easier when I had contact with H. Albeit just messages mostly. I have had periods when I've gone dark before. This is the longest we've been without contact - in all these 6+ years.

Thanks both for your insights
x