[StillStanding]

It's been years since I posted here. I stopped mainly because I felt like dwelling on all of the midlife crisis talk was not helping my detachment, and I needed a break.

I'm back because I took an emotional hit and need to talk about it. And there aren't a lot of people I can talk to about my walkaway wife who moved out 15 years ago, or my decision to stand for my marriage.

I don't think I can adequately sum up everything that's happened in the... 9 years? since I last posted. I was doing well with my life and my stand; I had hobbies and friends and a pretty good life. My job was doing okay; I wasn't really progressing but I kept trying to look for opportunities for advancement.

Then COVID hit and we were all sent home. Fortunately my job was one I could do remotely, though it took a couple of months for my employer to decide not to have us WFH on a week-by-week basis and say "we're just going to keep you home until the end of the year." That helped, actually—I cleaned out the spare bedroom and turned it into an actual office. But a lot of my social activities came to a screeching halt.

After a couple of years of working from home it became obvious that my career prospects were limited at my job so I found a new job, recommended by an old co-worker. I'm still working from home but new responsibilities and a hefty pay raise meant I could start working on some home maintenance and improvement projects.

As for my wife: I've always had occasional contact with her. We still have some joint finances so I send her an email every month with what she owes and she pays me back. I also see her at gatherings with mutual friends.

Over the last year or so we've started talking more. We've been spending time together and I felt like maybe we could be reconnecting. Our 25th anniversary was a few weeks ago and so I did something that was, in hindsight, not wise: I opened up the topic of reconciling.

She didn't blow up at me but her response was that nothing has really changed for her. She said she "doesn't want to give me hope" and that the things I did that hurt her haven't gone away. She mentioned a conversation where I told her that I didn't want to have sex with her because she had gained weight, and she has gained even more weight since then so she can't imagine that has changed for me.

I told her that I don't remember that conversation—I can't imagine ever saying anything like that to her!—but I wouldn't deny that it happened or that it hurt her. I told her that whatever I felt then, I don't feel that way now. (Personally, I've also gained a lot of weight over the past five years, though after my annual checkup this summer I'm doing something about that. 20 pounds down and hopefully another 30 to go!)

She said that we could get divorced if I wanted. I said that I didn't want that. It was getting late so she left.

I spent most of yesterday feeling like I'd been punched in the gut. I know that much of what she said is probably MLC talk but the thought that my wife still harbors that resentment after all of this time? That she thinks I think she's fat and unattractive? I don't think I've felt like this since the initial bomb drop.

I know, and have always known, that there's a chance that we won't get back together. But the past year or so was giving me hope that maybe we would. She didn't say she wants a divorce, so I feel like there's still hope (regardless of her claim that she doesn't want to give me any).

I don't know that I'm looking for advice, though I will be happy to listen. I just really needed to get this off of my chest, to vent to people who would be sympathetic. I'm not changing my stance on our marriage but right now I just feel like a failure, that this was all for nothing, that I've wasted years of my life that I'll never get back. It sounds childish but I just want someone to tell me that it will all be OK.

[forthetrees]

I wouldn´t say it was "all for nothing" as you created a social life, got to home maintenance projects, took up hobbies and took the brave path of switching jobs with the bonus of pay raise. Since there is no way to know with certainty if you uttered what she has accused you of you can only express an apology if you did cause hurt and make it clear that you are still attracted to her. For what it´s worth my ex accused me of saying something back in the BD year and when I said that I had no recollection of that conversation, he got mad and yelled, "That´s because we never had it!" So yeah, it´s possible that you never said it. When I reacted with a WTF face, he added, that he just knew that is what I would have said if we had had the conversation.

I guess the question to ask yourself is what are you getting out of the contact with her? What would you forfeit if you did not have contact? Did you maintain a financial link as a concrete expression of your hope? Maybe a couple of counseling sessions would let you sort out where you are now and what you want going forward.

[StillStanding]

I know that it's not all for nothing; as you say I have a life and friends, a good job, and I'm trying to take control of my health and weight again. It's just the fear/anger/shame reaction from her remarks talking.

I dimly remember a conversation about her weight—this was probably over 15 years ago, after all—and I expressed concern or worry but I certainly never told her I wouldn't sleep with her unless she lost weight, not in those words. If she's misconstruing that conversation or time and/or MLC has twisted her memory, I can't say. I acknowledged her feelings, told her I'm sorry and that whatever I may have felt back then, I don't feel that way now. Whether she chooses to believe me or not is up to her.

I went to counseling after the bomb drop, ages ago. I think about going again from time to time but I'm concerned about finding someone who will not pressure me into making a decision about my marriage. I had someone from my local church that I talked to about all of this stuff, but that ended not long after the COVID lockdown started. Maybe I can find his contact information.

What I was getting out of the renewed contact with her was the hope of reconnection. I was trying very hard not to push for reconciliation and letting things develop naturally, but our 25th anniversary going by made me sentimental.

[xyzcf]

You are not alone Standing in the attachment and contact you have with your wife. Significant dates like a 25 th anniversary and the increased contact lead you to take a chance, for so long we have kept quiet about how we feel, you have the right to say something to her. And although the hurt is deep when we are rejected, there is some satisfaction in being honest. 
They have a different version of the life we shared, how she believes that you said this to her. In a more real relationship, this could be talked about and resolved. But that is not the case in our spouse’s case.
It is very confusing to have what I find is superficial contact that never goes any deeper. I am standing still as that is what I believe to be the right thing for our family, it is what I have been asked to do.
You have not wasted anything Standing. You have made a good life for yourself and it’s not easy but I think we know inside what we are meant to do.
Thanks for the update. I still go to therapy from time to time. It helps when there are situations like this, your 25 th anniversary to work through your feelings of loss. Take care, God bless

[Treasur]

I agree with others that you might find it helpful to seek out a new IC if only to think out loud. There are some good ones out there and any decent IC will start from where you are bc that is your reality. They may ask you some challenging questions to help you stretch your thinking but you do not need their permission - or anyone else’s! - to stand or not.

Fwiw it sounds to me as if the combination of a significant anniversary and popping your head above the marital parapet has left you with a bunch of thoughts and feelings. And that’s understandable. It also sounds as if you (and your wife) have created and normalised a kind of not married marriage, with a fair amount of contact. And that, consciously or not, that also means you have been carrying some expectations, a kind of trade off in your head, that if you do x then y will eventually follow. And now you find yourself wondering if it might not? If that ‘trade off’ has not ‘bought’ you what you hoped it would? I am not a stander - very different circumstances although similar timelines - but I imagine it must be quite difficult to stand without some kind of hopes or expectations. Hence that ‘wasted time’ feeling….that would only make sense if there was a target of some sort, wouldn’t it? Otherwise it’s just living ypur life….

So, that brings you alongside some perhaps uncomfortable reflections. Hence the benefit of thinking out loud with another capable human. The essence it seems to me - and it’s a very normal human one - is, if something is ‘not working’ (however we define that), broadly speaking we have three choices….to change our approach, to change our objective or to carry on the same. I don’t know how much or little change you feel you need but that is probably where it starts.

With regard to what your wife said you said and here reasons for not being open to the reconciliation? Please trust your own instinct that you did not say this if you really feel you did not - don’t pick up that monkey or blame yourself. People say things that are not accurate for all kinds of reasons that have nothing to do with us at all.  In a way imho it doesn’t matter what her reasons were….what matters in your reality is that you asked and she said no ( or at least no not now). She may have justified her No this way, but the important data is the No. That’s a factual bit of your current reality and imho working out what to do with that is more important for you than the purported reason for it. And it’s understandable if that hurts or leaves you feeling a bit uncertain about what that means for you.

On a side note….i don’t know the wider circumstances of your situation but WFH can reduce your opportunities for other social contacts. And if Covid shut down a lot of things, as it did for many of us, I wonder if you feel you have quite restored some of these things? I know quite a few folks who feel they adjusted during Covid but perhaps have not yet made some new habits and that life feels smaller and more semi-detached than it did pre-Covid. Just a thought.

[StillStanding]

On a side note….i don’t know the wider circumstances of your situation but WFH can reduce your opportunities for other social contacts. And if Covid shut down a lot of things, as it did for many of us, I wonder if you feel you have quite restored some of these things? I know quite a few folks who feel they adjusted during Covid but perhaps have not yet made some new habits and that life feels smaller and more semi-detached than it did pre-Covid. Just a thought.

I spend less time out of the house than I did pre-COVID but my social life hasn't completely atrophied. Part of trying to get more exercise involved getting a pass to the local pool; I'm not up to doing laps yet—that uses a lot more energy than I'm used to—but I've been doing water aerobics and other exercise, and I've been going long enough that I've gotten to the casual small talk with other attendees. I also get together with friends regularly; we had a birthday party for one of my friends' mothers a couple of weeks ago.

Your comments about the not-married marriage kinda ring true. The increased contact and some of the discussions we've had recently probably did create some hopes and expectations in me, which is why her response to my question hit me so hard.

Like I said, the "wasted time" feeling was an emotional response to her words and realizing that after all of this time she still appears to be stuck. I've been at this long enough to know not to make any hasty decisions based on one conversation.

[StillStanding]

I'm feeling much better now: getting this off of my chest and getting back into my exercise routine is helping. If I'm still feeling out of sorts then I'll look into finding a therapist again.

One last thought about this conversation: when she was talking about how her feelings haven't changed, it felt like similar conversations we had not long after the bomb drop. Her complaint wasn't phrased like "I just can't get over the fact that you said XXX", it was "You said XXX". As if the wound is still fresh in her mind, and not something that happened a decade and a half ago. But I don't think she's dwelling on it or obsessing over it, it was more like no time has passed.

I'll be around: I want to see how others are doing and if I have anything to offer the new people here.