A different kind of grief than the years after BD. There is a sweetness as I heal, the memories that seem to matter are more of the good times we had, the love we had for so many years. There is also a feeling of freedom..he is gone and there is emptiness because he was always around, just not the way I would have wanted.
A year ago, he convinced me I needed a newer car. When we met, at 19, he had a TR6 and always loved his sport cars...consequently, I learned to love them as well. We had a 25 year old Boxster and traded it for a 2019 ......I recently took a day at a racetrack...driver's ed they call it...way outside my comfort zone but I could hear him say " you got this!" ....and this has lead me to participate with the Porsche club on a weekend adventure and I have signed up for two more. Before doing this, I told my therapist " I feel excited" and that I had not felt excited about anything for a very long time.
Certainly the past year has been painful. His illness, his death...a couple of weeks ago, I travelled to bury his ashes to a province far away from where I live. Another chapter closed but not a final goodbye, for he is still very much with me.
There is a lot of research into why our attachment to our spouses/partners is so intense....and I know, that I was constantly trying to"understand" MLC ....reading everything I could, talking to other LBSers for hours and hours, in therapy..why did this happen to us? What happened to the man I loved?
Recently I found the following that made sense to me. Trying to "understand" MLC, as Ursa said "is like trying to taste the color green" Our wounds are not healed by understanding.
Thought I'd share this with you.
"The body keeps the score. But understanding the score doesn't change it." -----Bessel van der Kolk
"The greatest failure in healing is believing that understanding your wound will close it.
Why doesn't understanding fix it?
Not philosophically. Mechanically. What is actually happening in the nervous system when someone understands their trauma completely — and still can't make it stop?
Here's what the research says. Here's what van der Kolk spent forty years proving:
Your nervous system is not a belief system. It's a survival system. And survival systems don't update based on information. They update based on experience.
That program is still running.
And it doesn't care that you understand why it was installed. It doesn't care that you can name the moment. It doesn't care that you've been in therapy for three years and you understand your patterns with clinical precision.
It's not waiting for your analysis. It's waiting for evidence.
Evidence that it's safe to stand down.
And here's what nobody tells you: you can't give your nervous system that evidence all at once. You can't reason your way there in a single breakthrough session. You can't meditate your way there. You can't understand your way there.
The nervous system updates in graduated increments.
Small, repeated experiences of safety. Of being present and not braced. Of hearing a hard truth about yourself and not being annihilated by it. Of sitting with the discomfort long enough for your body to register — I survived that. The threat isn't what I thought it was."
Having a physiological explanation for why this hurts the LBSer for such a long time helps me. We try and try to heal, to move forward and we do move forward but for some, the wound never completely heals.
May each of you continue your journey to healing and wellness....oh, another helpful thought, my therapist has used the phrase "post traumatic joy" which has also allowed me to see inside myself and the growth that has occurred...
"Post-traumatic joy is the profound experience of happiness, lightness, and deep appreciation for life that can emerge after surviving a major crisis or trauma. It is closely tied to concepts like post-traumatic growth, where individuals rebuild their emotional baselines, find new meaning, and reconnect with positive emotions."
Peace to you all,
xyzcf
My Beloved has passed away
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