[Yo]

Hola!

After long time ago I am here again looking for help!
starting MLC in 2017 and BD around January 2018.

From the first year, each time he had a touch and go, I believed he was reconnecting, now I know that was my desperation to have him back or have what we had back.

He never left, I did! but he was always present, phone calls, meals, our daughter activities and stuff. But he was always with OWs, three OW during this time. The first and last, intense and complicated, the one of the middle with big consequences!
with OW number 2 he has a baby, now 3 years old son that he hid to everybody until December 2024, because I found out.
Last year was hard, D13 knowing she has a little brother, me disappointed, and him, realizing all the damage he had done but still with OW number 3.
We talked a lot and support each other in some things during this time. I knew about OW but she didn't know he was with us must of the time, I felt like the OW some times. 

Now they are done, he started therapy last year, and told me that would like to start slowly to be sure he is healing so as not to repeat the same mistakes. I would like to have my family back but during this almost 9 years, I have been naive about a lot of things and I don't want to fall again in the same illusion.

And this is what I would like to discuss...
How do you know it was really MLC?
If it was really MLC, how do you know he is out of the tunnel?
How do you trust again?

[Helpnewc]

Hi Yo,

I am approaching 4 years and have not reconciled. I have not spoken with my wife for a while but we co-parent with an App.

My sense of MLC is that sudden change, urge to run and vilification of the  LBS. They seem to be key features and make you think it is not normal. For me, that is how I am certain what happened to us was mid life crisis.


As to determining how it has ended, I cannot really answer but I suspect there would be the return to normalcy and your partner appearing more themself. My wife appears to be becoming more normal now but that could be wishful thinking. She still has a boyfriend but it seems to be winding down. Our contact is more rational and less strange.


Your husband going into therapy is a good sign.

But the trust bit is hard isn’t it. Even after all the damage I would still take my wife back. But I would be scared. And I challenge myself if this is for the kids or for me but I know it is both. I do feel blessed that I don’t think I will ever have to decide as my wife is so proud and stubborn she would never come back after what she had done. And I guess that is part of it too, the risk is on both sides.

But love keeps no record of wrongs. And I reckon a risk is worth taking if you know you can survive it not working out.

I wish you luck. But go slow.

Help

[xyzcf]

Hi Yo,

How do you know it was really MLC?
If it was really MLC, how do you know he is out of the tunnel?
How do you trust again?

You might want to consider ...does it matter if it was a MLC or not? I think that there are several signs that they are having a crisis but no definitive test. The change in who they once were, their actions that are opposite who they once were...many things that have been discussed here and the similarities in the stories do lead me to believe in MLC.

Maybe we never really trust them or anyone else again, or perhaps it takes a very long time of them showing consistently that they can be trusted.

My husband came home after 16 years...like yours, he was always sort of in our life but he also lead a very different life and kept very secret about his lifestyle.

He came home when he was diagnosed with cancer and died 6 months after his diagnosis. It was a very intense time and he was very very sick. We thought we had more time.  :'(

But it was also very sweet and he expressed that he always loved me and asked if I would consider working on us again...as he became more sick, soon before he died, he asked if I would marry him again.....and many things that he did allows me to believe that he meant it...

I have always wanted our love to return, our family to be together and it was amazing how much he trusted me during those last terrible days and nights.

We did not get the chance to see if we could have come back together...both of us had changed and I told him that it would have to be something very new.

We were together as a family as he left this life..what I had always known to be true in my heart...even though civilly divorced, the Catholic Church does not acknowledge civil divorce...we never had our marriage annulled and neither of us had remarried, so according to several priests, we had always been married and still were. I had always been firm in my belief about the permanency of marriage so I was not surprised by this.

Life is always a risk..tomorrow we could be gone...and even though we were not together for 16 years, my grief is very deep...this is really hard for me and our daughter.

What I did see in those 6 months was how very easy it was for us to be on the same page, the closeness we once had was still there and how much I still loved him.

Only you can decide if you are willing to take a risk to be with him again...but MLCers do  get through their crisis and I think many would like to return but do not think they can. You can keep the door open as you always have done, if that is what you want.

I look forward to reading more as time goes by.

Heartsblessing used to say, as long as there is love, there is hope. I never stopped loving him.

[marvin4242]

How do you know it was really MLC?

I want to echo a different aspect of the this question: WHY does it matter if it was MLC? Is the abandonment and loss of trust any less hurtful or damaging depending on the answer?

If it was really MLC, how do you know he is out of the tunnel?

I personally do not believe in the "tunnel" analogy of MLC. MLC is like a collapse of a building, you do not "come out" of a collapse. It is perhaps possible, with a great deal of introspection and work, to rebuild a version of the building. If you look at it this way the answer becomes much easier.

How do you trust again?

And the real question. Before HOW did you want to ask WHETHER you can trust again? I am not hinting at an answer, simply saying first there has to be a possibility to trust again BEFORE you begin the very long, hard and time consuming path to trust again. That part will require consistent and repeated actions from the other party. Even if they are "perfect" (which is unreasonable and not very likely) trust has two axis, and the part that lead to you is damaged. So two parties have to a great deal of work and time to get somewhere.

I want to add another question: if you felt completely devalued and discarded by someone what would let you feel SAFE that this kind of sudden rupture would not happen again? If someone is capable of certain states of being why would that ability simply "vanish?"

[Treasur]

How do you know it was really MLC?
If it was really MLC, how do you know he is out of the tunnel?
How do you trust again?

These sound like fair and reasonable questions, Yo. My PoV - for what it’s worth - is that the questions might imply some underlying assumptions. Being aware of those might be more helpful imho than speculative ‘answers’ any of us could give. So, the value is less about the question and more about using them to work out what you already currently think if that makes sense?

If you KNEW for sure it was MLC, do you see that as an explanation - why something happened as it did - or as an excuse - that someone is not entirely responsible for what they did…do you know what you think? Bc if the question matters, it is worth thinking about why it matters as others have said. Not sure if there is a ‘right’ answer as such, certainly different people here see it differently. But what matters is what YOU think.

Linked to that, your second question seems to be to be less about MLC and more about your third question. Life doesn’t come with guarantees of course but what do you see in the man he is now? What would you need to see that would make you feel safer to invest energy and trust in the man he is now? Or not? And the impact on your daughter of course? What do you have to gain or lose?

At a very practical level - regardless of MLC or not - 9 years ago ypur husband took a sharp left turn that affected, I imagine, pretty much every aspect of you and your daughter’s life. And others. There are practical realities that come along with that for everyone so one can’t go back, only forward from where you are today. Practically, you would be building a new relationship from here but with a lot of baggage. Only you - and him - can really decide if you want to do that and what kind of relationship it might be. Jmo.

[Yo]

Hola!

Thank you guys for answering

xyzcf
I am sorry for your loss. you have the blessing to have had the opportunity to be completely together the last months and share your love.

marvin4242 and Helpnewc
Different opinions and both helpful, thank you very much!

Treasur
Good to read your wisdom again.

Nothing has changed too much, H keeps being nice and in touch all day long, we don't live together so he comes home and expends time with us almost every day. This has happened before, so this is nothing that could be taken as an effort to reconnect.
I am pretty sure that he doesn't want to be without me, but that doesn't mean he wants to be just with me.
He doesn't talk to much about the things he has done, he told me once he is working on it and we'll talk when he is ready, sometimes he is ashamed of some things when we see or hear something related about infidelity, or not taking care of kids or pets, things that he has done...
I don't ask because is something I've learned in this forum, but of course I have tons of questions because I am doubting all the time.
The difference with me right now is that he is not included in my plans, short or long term. If he wants to be part of it, good! if not, we keep doing everything and enjoying it.

The part of the baby is not that complicated for us, D13 and his little brother had a connection since the first day they met, and I really like him! It's fun to have him around! On the other hand, H is 51 yo and he has to take care of him every day after school and some times he sleeps over, so H is really tired. H says that he loves him but is hard and he is exhausted, and that is what he has to pay after his bad decisions. Baby's mother and H are not interested in each other as far as I know. 

So, I guess I can only let time pass with no expectations. Easier said than done.

I don't know if this should be a thread , but any comment, question or discussion would be helpful to me.
Thank you for listening

Yo