[OffRoad]

I can only say I remember this well. Mine used to sneak in the house while I was at work and take things. I brought almost everything into the marriage (buy once. Buy well. I still have the couches I purchased in 1985, recovered  10 years ago. Best seat cushions ever)

Here is what worked best for me.
Keep communication to a minimum.
Figure out what YOU think a fair division of furniture is.
Pack his stuff up. Get it out of your way, like in the garage or a spare room.  Carports are another animal altogether.
I changed the locks. Yes he could have called the police and the worst that could have happened was I'd have to give him a new key. But he didn't.  He was angry, but he had not only come in and taken something, he'd left the door wide open. No thank you.
Don't agree to store anything that he is supposed to take if you do get divorced. Just don't do it.
Don't let him take anything that is yours. I have a set of Revere ware pans, 100% mine. He was not entitled to half.
Make sure he gets everything that is his.
Keep your money separate from his. Know what date he moved out.

Keep taking care of your own best interest. MLCers have a habit of wanting something, then getting rid of it, so do what is best for you, but with courtesy. Don't bother trying to please him or understand.  You can't really do either.

[Pivoine]

Thank you all for your messages. It’s so comforting to know I’m not alone in this situation.

I saw my therapist; she told me that his anger is directed at me, but that I don’t have to pay the price for the wounds his parents caused him. So I’m going to work on not letting his comments—which have nothing to do with me—get to me anymore. I know this, of course, but while I can keep my composure in front of him, I can’t stay silent because his lies hit so close to home. I’m really making progress, but sometimes the situation catches up with me. This has been going on on and off for three years now.
I’m fine when he isn’t around to vent his anger.

I realize there aren’t many posts from spouses going through a crisis. No matter how much I search the forum… it’s rare.

I focus on myself, my kids, my friends, my hobbies, but sometimes I feel lonely.

I went through a crisis myself when my husband was diagnosed with cancer in 2017. He changed so much—I no longer existed in his emotional world—that I slowly, insidiously started to unravel. I felt alone in our relationship—he was selfish, while I was the one carrying the weight of the household, our kids going through their teenage crises, the paperwork, my job, everything.
Meanwhile, he was doing things for himself. He had dreams and desires, and I was juggling the budget just to meet his needs.
I almost left several times because I was exhausted from carrying the weight of everything, from asking for help that never came, from the support that was never there.
When I came out of my crisis—where all my wounds resurfaced through anger—I fell back in love with the person he had become.
But he had this AP who had clearly realized there was a weakness.

He still talks about his cancer today—how it could come back in a year or two... and how he wants to live. His trauma hasn't been addressed, and no one but him can do that.

I still love him, and I hold onto the hope that our flawless life before the cancer will resurface on his end.
Only time will tell.

[UrsaMajor]

I still love him, and I hold onto the hope that our flawless life before the cancer will resurface on his end.
Only time will tell.

True - only time will tell.....

But..... and you KNEW there was a big old "BUT" hanging out there, right?

You are allowed to live, to grow, to thrive in that time....

That is why the advice here is usually to live like they are not coming back. Partially because some (most if you were to use this forum as your statistical basis) don't and, even if they do, they are NOT the same person you know. MLC changes people profoundly - both the Mid-Lifer and the LBS.  The Mid-Lifer must work through their own issues, take responsibility for them, for their own healing and their own actions. No one else can do it for them because, in that case, NOTHING has changed, nothing is solved, nothing is healed and it is just a matter of time before it all comes around again.

The LBS, by the same token, is responsible for THEIR own growth and healing. We come through this with a different mindset, a different outlook. I know that, for me, there are things that I will NOT tolerate or accept anymore in a relationship. If I even get a whiff of one of my red flags, I either run it to ground (get the issue sorted) or the relationship is over.

I have been around the Mulberry bush twice now so I guess I wasn't smart enough to learn the first time.... But I am NOT a masochist......

What many Mid-lifers expect is that the LBS will spend their days sitting in their rocking chair on their front porch, surrounded by a huge pile of boogery, used Kleenexes and waiting for the MLC'er to "come to their senses and return." As long as the LBS is in that mode, the Mid-Lifer feels free to continue whatever it is they are doing because they "know" that the LBS is sitting around waiting for them (you know, "always have a backup plan.") What they do not get is that it is OUR decision, our choice. Usually, once they see that the LBS is growing forward without them (what is commonly known here as "dropping the rope") and they are in danger of loosing that backup plan, they either panic and double down on their toddler antics/blame, etc., or they begin doing the work they need to do in order to get through their crisis.

You can not address his trauma for him and if he chooses not to do so himself, that is HIS choice, something that you have zero control over. What you CAN control is your response (Respond, not react) to his actions.

Some of the suggestions made earlier are absolutely spot on - limiting contact/communications, securing your house, finances, figuring out what is right/fair for YOU  and not listening to the ME ME ME ME nonsense from the Mid-Lifer, etc. Those are all part of the growth that the LBS will have to do at some point in order to not get run over by the MLC Rollercoaster.... It is hard work but it is necessary. Like I said, we too come out the other side different and maybe, at the end of the day, we no longer want what the Mid-lifer has to offer, maybe they no longer want what WE have to offer them, maybe the bridges burnt are so severe there is no return, maybe they do the work and there is enough basis to begin a new relationship. The point is to NOT sit around waiting for any of these things to occur (because the manna from heaven is NOT going to just fall in your lap) but to actively shape the life you want to have going forward.

UM

UM

[zartheit]

I agree with Ursa. In my case, I had a pretty clear intellectual understanding of those points, but I did NOT have a visceral emotional understanding. There was a mismatch in my body. I spent A LOT of time waiting for my thoughts to sink deeper so that I could feel how I believed I needed to feel, but my thoughts remained conceptual.

There's a circular flow to habits and while it feels that you can only intercept or interrupt them at designated points, those grooves are illusions hypnotizing you by those very habits. In my experience, change can itself come as a response to action. I started to FEEL better AFTER I just simply DID things. I bought a rug, re-arranged some furniture, got nice clothes that I was curious about and felt great on my body, went hiking, starting working out, started reading things I was curious about but "never had time" before, ate at restaurants I was interested in BY MYSELF (boy, that felt awkward at first and then... no one cares), went to writing workshops, went to meetups, started savoring the flavor of foods, started taking time to appreciate the good, however small it seemed. All of these little events were borne out of a desire to tend and to care FOR ME. Like a spooked animal, it took time for me to really trust it, and also like a spooked animal, when I allowed myself to believe it I fell in love with myself (sounds weird, but hopefully it makes sense) in a way I didn't realize was possible. My life then became about how I could allow myself to more fully express and embody what was innately there. My mission was simply to bask in the experience of me.

There are times I miss my ex. I can remember the good times that we had (and yes, they WERE good). Nothing can tarnish that. Those times, like a childhood summer, are gone. There is definitely a sadness to that, but there is also so much more to life.