[Thundarr]

Greetings all,

The Barbarian is checking in as it's been awhile since I've visited the board and posted. For those of you who aren't familiar with me, I'm one of the proud (?) class of 2011 along with many of the moderators and mentors here. I'm also a licensed mental health therapist who arrogantly thought I would be able to overcome my XW's MLC and save/ restore our marriage. I failed....terribly. I never had a chance as I did not know, or did not accept, what I was dealing with. The MLC horror show that was my XW saw the family destroyed and our kids abandoned by the selfish, cheating, lying, manipulating teenager she became and sadly still is 15 years+ into this. I still see her fairly regularly, yesterday most recently in fact, and see nothing of the woman I fell in love and built a family with. I'm not alone in that our kids don't recognize her either. She lies about everything to me and the kids, borrows money from D33 (who has 2 kids to support with her husband and is not working currently) and brags about how much she spends on herself. She's vile, reprehensible and very cold except when posting on FaceBook or when in front of people whose opinions she values. Is she "stuck in the tunnel" or is this who she has been all along? Our son just yesterday said that he's now thinking she's not that much different from her trashy sister and niece who I always kept the kids away from as much as possible as they are not good people. Very sad.

But enough about her. The topic of my thread is about new beginnings and that's where I'm at. I'm engaged to the most wonderful person I think I've ever met and my kids love her. Her daughter and I are as close as can be as well and the whole family vacations and celebrates together. We will be married this October in our Church since they approved my annulment based on the grounds that XW was not mature enough to make the decision to marry at the time and continues to display behaviors that indicate she has not changed in that regard. The funny thing is that she cooperated fully with the annulment and really likes my fiancee. We all get together for birthdays and holidays and she has told the kids that she really likes my fiancee and is glad she will be their steop-mom. She and fiancee had a great conversation at the hair salon yesterday as our granddaughter was getting her first haircut. Fiancee doesn't see her as a friend but says she is my kids mother and always will be and will be honored in our home as such, as long as she doesn't cause trouble.

My life the past 15 years has seen both triumph and tragedy and this year has been no different. I lost my job of 14 years in January but decided to follow a dream of starting my own practice and have been doing so ever since. Next week it gets real as I'm opening my own office and hiring an intern and two therapists to work under me. It's a huge step that Fiancee has stood behind and supported all along. The kids are happy for me and have adjusted to the fact that I've been making far less the past six months but like Fiancee said they're all adults and financially independent so all I have to worry about is me for the most part. The time was right and she helped make it all possible.

I plan to be around and drop into several threads as time allows but really want to share the message to all those who have come after me to take care of yourself and protect your finances. I hope all of your marriages are reconciled if that's what you want, but most importantly I hope you make it through the hard days and come out the other side whole and healed. It is possible but you have to put in the work. An old friend here always said that our spouses have given us the Gift of Time and he could not be more correct. This is your second lease on life and it can be whatever you make it. Sadly, in my experience MLC is getting more and more common and society's acceptance that it's not just normal human behavior still lags far behind. As much experience as I have firsthand and as many clients as I've worked with who have been through similar if not worse things has brought me no closer to fully understanding or grasping what the solution may be other than just doing your best to survive it. I've known too many friends who did not make it through their spouse's MLC for whatever reason and hope and pray that does not become a trend. Enjoy each day and count your blessings instead of your troubles. It will get better. I promise.

One day at a time.

[Thundarr]

One of the things I think most, if not all, of us struggle with in trying to understand MLC is the fear that we too may succumb to it as our spouses/ ex-spouses did. This week I lost my best friend and next-door neighbor of 15 years to cancer and it has been traumatic to say the least. He was only six months older than me and we had everything in common, most importantly our sense of humor and dedication to family. While it has put me on a downward spiral it has made me both extremely sad and angry at various times because he deserved better. I know that losing someone close is one of the primary triggers for MLC but I don't (yet) feel the desire to abandon my responsibilities and start having affairs or spending ridiculously. I know those are stereotypes but have been the reality for most of us. I am getting remarried in two months. started my own private practice this year for the first time ever and car-shopping for a new vehicle but those things were in the planning stages for quite some time. I don't know how MLC feels from the inside and I pray to God that I never do. What it has done to my XW is devastating to say the least and she is barely a shade of the person she once was. I pray I remain who I am and have already been through a ton of tragedies in life that would have broken me had I not had faith and family, including a close circle of friends, and have faith I can make it through this as well. It has hit different though.....

Peace to you all.

[Nas]

Hi Thundarr. Congrats on your practice and upcoming marriage. And I’m very sorry for the loss of your friend. I think that loss, especially at this stage of our lives, automatically leads to a lot of existential reflection.

I have to say my first response to your most recent post was to say that I don’t think of MLC as a psychosis that comes out of nowhere with no signs or something that a person has no control over. I think I know enough to know I don’t know enough, but my thought has always been that a lot of it has to do with poor coping mechanisms, lack of sense of self, unhealed psychological wounding… And did I mention poor coping mechanisms? Having never even been taught the things that most people are taught from a young age, having basically built myself from scratch starting in infancy alone with no external support or guidance, having endured extreme abuse of all forms in my life, as well as dealing with the gruesome fallout of the end of my marriage at the same time as a very long, very difficult, very lonely battle with cancer, I can honestly say I have never for a single second been worried that I was going to sleep with someone else’s partner, lie, cheat, steal, go on a spending spree with money I don’t have, gamble, treat people like $h!te, say horrible nasty things to people, make anyone cry, abandon people for no reason, or anything else that falls under the umbrella of what we attribute to MLC.
In short, I’ve never for a second worried that I’m going to have anything close to what we refer to as MLC. Because I don’t think that someone having a crisis is entirely unaware of their behavior or in a psychosis at the level that they cannot control themselves. We all make choices in our lives. It’s my personal opinion that many people, perhaps most people, make their choices based on some kind of deeply held survival instinct, which doesn’t mean that their survival is at risk but just that it is so deeply ingrained in them to seek out, react and respond based on what they think they need to survive, and often that makes people make selfish choices, or more nuanced, self-serving choices that sometimes hurt other people. But I don’t think there are very many cases of people who have absolutely no control over their actions or the choices they’re making. That’s just my personal opinion, for what it’s worth.