[hobo1]

I actually had this discussion with my MLC wife yesterday.  She gave me a whole list of items, and more recently added things that I've done after bomb drop.  She said I pushed her buttons, and made her go for divorce.

Either way, I apologized to her.  But it is too little too late.  I dont understand it.  Why not try to make things work, I dont.  I really dont. 

 

[limitless]

Hobo,

You WON'T be able to understand.  Neither can I.  It just is.

Regarding "How come we don't see it coming" - there are so many answers to that....the MLCer wears a mask and hides their feelings to everyone.  The LBS is in denial (I was).  So much happens beneath the surface - prior to Bomb Drop.

Regarding the infidelity - most (not all) MLCers had never been unfaithful - so the LBS (at least ME) didn't suspect a thing.  Would never, in a million years, have believed it.

And, I guess the last comment - What if we DID see it coming?  What then?  You CAN'T stop it.  You CAN'T control it......it is someone else's crisis.  Once they head for the tunnel - it must be played out to completion.  No getting around it.

They say ignorance is bliss.  I guess it is or was???  Had I known the firestorm that was coming 2 years ago (or more???) I may have done some things differently - but the result would have been the same.

Limitless

[hrtnbig]

Before my BD we were just "dealing" with his overwhelming job.  I was there, waiting for him to be done with the project that was sucking the life out of him.  I told him I was sorry what he was going through, but in the end, someone came along that didn't know or understand what was going on.  So he chose to hang out with him instead of me.  Likely it was to avoid reality, but I don't really know.  My h had an EA with a young man, his feelings for this young man were very strong.  I have a poem on my string.

I have no idea how this can happen I think that is what is most painful.

[StandandDeliver]

heartbroken,

I don't think that lust and infatuation necessarily lasts 3 years (it CAN last up to that long) My understanding is that the hormones related to initial lust (Dopamine) last 3-6 months, whereas oxytocin (bonding love hormones) levels remain elevated for up to a year. However as RCR has stated, MLC affairs are not just lust - they are emotionally bonded affairs which is why the average "normal" affair lasts 6 months but with MLC it is more like two years. Of course these are all just averages...

[arp1]

That is shocking Foxberry. At least I did my list of my own volition! You are right, it is mental cruelty: being made to feel that you are inadequate like that.

My W obviously feels that she did nothing wrong, has done all she could and that it was all my fault. She's thrown stuff at me from absolutely nowhere, e.g. I don't have a song that reminds me of her, she's deluded herself that we were in the same relationship. It all just made me feel so bad, so useless, so unloved. I think a lot of this stemmed from her stage of limerence with the OM.

I too knew/know what I needed to change about me or needed work. Everyone has faults, character flaws, etc, except the MLCer - they are these wonderful people who are just misunderstood 

[Synicca]

I think if we all really look at our R's before BD...we should see some things that were eye openers..
but we chose to ignore...My h had been working in NY for a total of 4 months...stressed out to the bone
admitted deep depression while there.....but when he came home for my 40th bday party for 3 days.

He confessed his undying love to everyone...couldnt get enough of me..told everyone how much he loved me
and that we had made it through the worst of times...( he was acting strange ) then returned to NY and 10 days
later fell head over heals in love with Ow#2.

It makes no sense to the sane ones...but I can reflect back and see he was dealing with MLC 3 years ago.
and was going through a mini crisis in 05-06.

[Dontgiveup]

Most of us have an awareness of our own issues, as well as our spouses issues.  In normal circumstances, these issues can be navigated.  What we don't see coming is these issues reaching crisis proportion.....and the behavior that follows.

It's like my counselor told me not too long after bomb drop when I kept asking him how this could be happening.  There were two things he said that stuck.

"You can't use logic in an emotional arguement.  Don't engage"
and
"What part of the word crisis do you not understand?"

[truth_seeker]

"What part of the word crisis do you not understand?"

So true!  I might have to post that on my office wall as a reminder. Thanks DGU!

[ece711]

The subject of this thread caught my attention.  I would like to see what would be the answer to this question but it seems that it all comes down to examining what the MLCers tells us.  Isn't it true that when we marry that there are things that arises (aside from being cheated on)?  I would eventually gain weight, my hairline would start to recede, more gray hair shows up, and due to having kids the romantic vacations turns into Family vacations because of the budget?  Maybe to rich families this "excuse" can't be used so it would be something else.  Now as far as I remembered when I married my ex-wife 12 years ago my height was 5 foot 5 inches.(so much for being "Tall","dark", and "Handsome").  At BD one of the things that was brought up was my Height, I wasn't tall enough for her.  So for me, despite her denial of having a third party involved I knew and felt that she already had someone else.  Turns out the OM is 5 foot 11 inches tall.

What I am trying to say regarding the question how come we didn't see it coming...  because they loved us for who we were until someone else came into the picture.  We also had a list of what we were willing to accept and put up with when we married them but because we love them we accepted it or made some compromise in order to make this relationship going. If it were us that fell into this temptation, then we could be giving our spouse this list of complaints why we are leaving them.

[Dontgiveup]

ece711

"because they loved us for who we were until someone else came into the picture."

Keep in mind that this is a symptom and not a cause.  My ex-wife's love for me is buried not because she met someone else, but because she is in MLC.