[BonBon]

Ecc711 - quoting you here:
"You may not be able to stop it, but you would be able to prepare in order to survive the destruction that the flash flood will bring."

I would agree if you are talking perhaps about financial issues and the like.  That isn't something I've had to deal with so I can't be sure.  But in terms of preparation, I guess it depends what you mean.  If you mean that being aware of their levels of satisfaction and/or depression, that perhaps talking to them and so forth might help, perhaps. 

But if you mean preparing yourself for the bomb drop or the change in behavior and personality, maybe some could but not me.  If someone had told me my fabulous husband and best friend would turn on me (that's how I see it), I would never in a million years have believed it.  It had to happen before my eyes to believe it and even when it did, it took a long time for me to process anything that was happening with a clear mind. 

I have always been very sensitive to my husband's moods as I'm sure many people have here.  I have always been a cheerleader, including about his age and his "failings" as he terms them.  I've always been encouraging, sometimes blindly.  He has told me many times that no matter what I said, no matter what my opinion of him, it did not matter because I loved him and was biased.  So there is no way I could have talked him out of this MLC.  No way.

niff naff...speaking of tough issues, even my own H has said a few times over the last few years that he realizes his problems are nothing compared to what some people deal with...so even he, an MLCer would agree with you.

Fox...just as long as you know the truth...it is NOT your fault.  H will see that someday....

[OldPilot]

Ecc711 - quoting you here:
"You may not be able to stop it, but you would be able to prepare in order to survive the destruction that the flash flood will bring."

I would agree if you are talking perhaps about financial issues and the like.  That isn't something I've had to deal with so I can't be sure.  But in terms of preparation, I guess it depends what you mean.  If you mean that being aware of their levels of satisfaction and/or depression, that perhaps talking to them and so forth might help, perhaps. 

But if you mean preparing yourself for the bomb drop or the change in behavior and personality, maybe some could but not me.  If someone had told me my fabulous husband and best friend would turn on me (that's how I see it), I would never in a million years have believed it.  It had to happen before my eyes to believe it and even when it did, it took a long time for me to process anything that was happening with a clear mind. 

I have always been very sensitive to my husband's moods as I'm sure many people have here.  I have always been a cheerleader, including about his age and his "failings" as he terms them.  I've always been encouraging, sometimes blindly.  He has told me many times that no matter what I said, no matter what my opinion of him, it did not matter because I loved him and was biased. 
So there is no way I could have talked him out of this MLC.  No way.

I completely agree with BonBon

[NewBeginnings]

I tried to get my H to talk several times.  He would never open up.  About a month after he left I said to him that it would have been nice if he had said something, if he had let me know he was so unhappy.  He replied, I did, you weren't listening.  That is such a lie.  Trust me, if he had ever said anything about being unhappy I would have been shocked.  He never said anything.  That is a cop out.  Just one more thing to blame on me.  He was the one lying and having an affair and living with the trailer trash OW while still with me and I never knew there was a problem.  That is disgusting!  I just remembered that on Valentines Day, 2 weeks before BD and he never came home again, he gave me a dozen roses.  There were 2 cards and the one said I'm sorry.  I always wondered what it meant.  I can't remember what he said when I asked him but now I know.  He knew he was going to be abandoning me and our son any day.  He was just trying to get the nerve to do it. 

[Dontgiveup]

Jim Conway describes MLC as creeping up under the surface.....undetected.  It hits the MLCer like a ton of bricks as well.  Not even the MLCer knows what is happening.....they just know how they feel.....and it's not good.

[NewBeginnings]

DontGiveUp - I totally believe that.  Thinking back, my H said he never felt good.  He looked depressed all the time and he always had this dead look in his eyes.  I used to ask him, where is _ _ _ _?  I want the old _ _ _ _ back!  It's like his body was here but mentally he was not.  It was strange.  He wasn't fun to be around and just looked unhappy and tired all the time. 

[BonBon]

Heartbroken wrote:
"That is a cop out."

The whole MLC is.  That is of course my own opinion and probably not shared by many.  I'm not saying MLC isn't real (I believe it is) or even contrived (I believe it isn't) but I nonetheless believe it to be a copout.  All of it.  I believe it strongly enough that I've said it to my H.

[Foxberry]

My H said, he had to fix his head.....    I asked him if he saw my H please send him back to me.... He sobbed on the phone back in October and said in a txt a short time later that "if he was to have the chance of finding the love of the person I knew he had to spend time on his own.  He did want us to work but he had to fix his head".....  I know now that even as he wrote that to me, he was going to spend the time with OW.....so confusing, so upsetting and so tragic.

Love and hugs
Fox xxx

[Dontgiveup]

BonBon

Based on the definition of copout, I can see that.  I just don't believe MLC is intentional or avoidable.  As Jim Conway wrote, no one would ask to go through MLC.

copout - A person who fails to fulfill a commitment or responsibility.

[Synicca]

I dont think we can see it coming...we may see our spouses depressed, angry, lazy, tired all the time...bitc*ing
about this or that, but that sometimes can all be a part of every day life....

when I look back my H was exhausted all the time, fell asleep on the couch for hours after work. complained
about "getting Fat" and how he needed to "get healthier" He would turn me down for Sex.

His excuse, ( seriously ) too tired, or I dont want to fall asleep, or Im watching this. He said after BD that
I never wanted to have sex with him. 

Back in June 2010 he cant remember things we did together. He swears I didnt go to the river boating, or
went to our friends with him. BD wasnt until Sept 10..so I think he was hitting the fog in June. 

He had first PA in July of 10. so makes sense to me. NOW! 

[readytofixmyselffirst]

I think the issues and the problems start way before bomb drop. You can trace the issues, but when and how bd is going to hit is the same as trying to figure out what stage they are in during MLC.

I think it is easy to look back and see the events leading to BD, but just like trying to look and figure out the precise stage our MLCer is in, it is better to just detach, let them complete their journey, and then move forward as they complete the transition.

I don't even try and guess where my w is in the process. Yes, I have thought about how I could have avoided BD, but listening to my w and the things she says about me, I realize I could have the kindness of Gandhi and the looks of Brad Pit and she would have still gone through this process.

We may in the future have predictors of MLC, but never really be able to predict all the cases and determine who is going to have a crisis in the future.