[xyzcf]

I could have the kindness of Gandhi and the looks of Brad Pit

Ready..you already have these qualities as well as the love for people of Mother Teresa

[arp1]

I made the mistake of being an optimist and probably you did too ( a fact that our MLCer's would not understand the irony of when they claim we are pessimists or negative) One of the problems in my marriage was not that I was a pessimist and H was an optimist. It was that H was an idealist and I am more of a realist. Maybe that is why I may be less prone to getting caught up in the unreal "fantasy" of MLC and an affair...

This definitely strikes a chord SandD: very true. One of the (many) criticisms my W has leveled at me is that I don't have the right outlook on life.  Like you I'm not a pessimist, I'm a realist; I'm pragmatic, I deal with things head-on and try to work through it. My W says she's 'glass-half-full-and-always-filling', IOW, she's and idealist and eternal optimist, so when things go wrong she can't handle it.

As BonBon said above very eloquently, there are things that inevitably come along in a marriage and in our lives generally that we have to deal with - getting older, parents dying, etc - and equally, there are situations that arise that you can't foresee or didn't plan on happening. Again, you have to handle them. My W seems to be utterly blind to this logic and seems to think that her life should always be hearts and flowers, that everyone should make her life wonderful for her. Now admittedly her middle sister had had to deal with her husband dying at 54 so she had a somewhat jaundiced view of life expectancy, but she was correct when she said to my W (who took offence to this), that her parents were 86 and 89 when they died, how long did she expect them to live? 

[limitless]

I could have the kindness of Gandhi and the looks of Brad Pit

Ready..you already have these qualities as well as the love for people of Mother Teresa

Or the kindness of Brad Pitt and the looks of Gandhi  What a combo that would make.

L

[BonBon]

I think this thread is so enlightening.  I'm learning from everyone.

I was surprised at the optimist/pessimist/realist/idealist stuff.  I would say that my husband is a pessimist and a realist at the same time.  I would say I am (or...was)
an optimist and an idealist.

With my idealism, it's no surprise that I was hit so hard when he blindsided me with this MLC and yet, when it comes to most other things, I find myself being the realist.  It's his idealistic fantasies of getting rich, being attractive forever, that seem to be so problematic for him whereas I'm in the who cares so long as we have each other, our health and what we need camp.

I agree with Ready....Pitt, Ghandi and even Bill Gates' money would not matter.  An MLCer would find Pitt too good looking, Ghandi too nice and Gates too rich.

As I once said to my husband, "your whole problem is that you want what you don't have and don't want what you do have".  He agreed.  Ugh.

I just wanted to clarify that when I said the MLC is a cop out, I in no way meant it was a choice nor an intent.  Not at all.  I simply meant it is a way to avoid one's true self, true issues...and that they cop out on their life as it is.

[StandandDeliver]

My W seems to be utterly blind to this logic and seems to think that her life should always be hearts and flowers, that everyone should make her life wonderful for her.

There was a discussion elsewhere  about the idea that MLCers want to be "happy" all the time (sorry if I am misquoting you ready!), what they don't understand is the idealism in that sentiment. Contentment is so much more fulfilling because it allows us to live real lives (where people do die and we are sad, people argue and we are mad, people make mistakes and we react, people do kind things and we smile), understanding a sort of complexity about life. The idea that you can be happy and live in a state of bliss all the time is building an emotional utopia (by definition unachievable). That is why the fantasy life with OW, the freedom, the manic pursuit of excitement does not, in the end, work. Because it is not real. The happiness is fleeting like most feelings. The lust if fleeting. ANd the relationship is based on such a superficial knowledge of each other that there is nothing else to build it on when those things slowly die. Then they are left with each other; two messed up human beings, who have left a path of destruction behind them that gets harder and harder to escape because the fantasy escape has turned back into real life. The other person is not the saint, or the goddess, that the MLCer imagined - and rescuing them turns into a burden because their relationship was never based on being best friends with mutual respect and support, it was based on an emotional buzz. Well, imo anyway!

[Foxberry]

BonBon,

I totally agree.....my H has just been sent the Financial Agreement for me by my wonderful S....can't carry on any more hoping and praying that H will continue to pay the bills etc., I need to move on with my life and sell this house that used to be our home and literally move away so that I can start again too.  Over the past 9 months my H could take days, weeks or in some cases choose sometimes not to reply at all... all depends on how he "feels" we shall see how his MLC and depression reacts to this settlement...his holiday is coming up with his "pretend family" on Saturday - going to Spain for a week, OK for some isn't it??? He has no money, but hey ho that doesn't matter as OW is being wonderful and paying for my enigmatic, special H (lol) to go with them      I'm sure the Wicked Witch of the West will have a screaming fit when she realises that I'm not going to melt away quietly and that my H will be paying for me for the rest of his "natural".       Finally they will both realise that their affair has got ramifications for everyone! I wonder how long H will remain "special" when he has to give me half his salary!!!!!

He cares less for the house he has left me in with no kitchen or plaster on the walls, he cares less the pain and anguish of really knowing "why" and the pain and heartache of his only Son, who has to stand by and watch his Mother in pain and bewilderment....

So I HAVE to think that he is ill, in MLC, Walter Mitty-land or somewhere over the rainbow - if I thought that he wasn't then my entire marriage would have been a lie....that in itself is too frightening and painful a prospect to even consider......

Fox   xxxx

[StandandDeliver]

Bon Bon, my MLCer told me at one point that I was too kind.

Huh?? (and believe me I wasn't all that kind around BD - my claws made an appearance at various points)

Too kind. WTF is that?

Of course, I was also full of blame all the time (but too kind), I had a temper (but too kind), and I didn't let him do what he wanted (but too kind)

Analysis is futile...

[Still]

my MLCer told me at one point that I was too kind.

One of the complaints my MLC'er had that has stood out the most was:

"You would give someone your last dollar and smile while they smack you in the face with it."

[Synicca]

it is really mind blowing the things they say....

mine said " Your just to compassionate, so giving and caring, I cant handle that" 

[Foxberry]

Mine said 'I know you are generous & won't give up on me. I don't deserve that really'   
You don't say!!!!! 'generous' makes me sound like a maiden aunt! instead of his wife! Incredible
Nuts!

Love & hugs
Fox.  Xxx