[unbroken]

I'm wondering if anyone can explain how our MLCers find movement through the tunnel.

[Dontgiveup]

LIW

If I understand your question correctly, what makes them finally work through their issues is entering into Liminality.  As RCR notes in the article, this is when the real work begins.  Here's the link.

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/mlc_overview_liminality.html

[Synicca]

I often wonder that too...

How is it that they even begin to "look" at themselves?

I know in my own sitch, I told my H that there is lessons to be learned here...but what they are is up to him
to figure out....but sheesh! How do they figure it out??

I think if they stay lost in the tunnel..( reason for never coming back ) what the heck brings them out??

is it when they hit rock bottom and cant figure out what they are doing wrong and they continue to try something
different?? hmmm what if they never get to a place that works? and then they just dont care??

Argh...this is a hard subject!

[Dontgiveup]

From Synicca's post:
"is it when they hit rock bottom and cant figure out what they are doing wrong and they continue to try something different??"

From the Liminality article referenced above:
"the MLCer falls to rock bottom, the home of the Shadow. This is the place he has been avoiding through out this crisis and thus there is a likelihood that he will hang on the chasm's ledge and try not to fall. The depression gets deeper with the Liminality phase when the old Self dies to create a new Self--Ego-Death."

[hyperglad]

LIW I know what you mean, i have often wondered given my H is a conflict avoider how on earth will he ever face up to his issues, however recently little things he has slipped into conversations has made me think maybe he is.

For example the other week when i caught him again at OW he said.... why do i keep doing this, i don't want another family. i have MY family i need to stop, work out why i am ruining things, hurting you over and over. He also said how can you still have me here after all this, i said because I love you and truly believe we will be OK, he said I don't deserve you in my life. Hopefully this means he is starting to look at where he is and what he is doing.

[Tiffany Dee]

I think we would all like more insight into this topic - my xh never shows any signs of 'exiting" replay and I am starting to belive he will never come through this.

hugs
Tiff

[LettingGo]

I don't know the answer, but I suspect the MLCer will have to hit their "bottom"..... the lowest point of their lives.... where they are essentially in the gutter of life because of their choices. At that point, there is nothing but to "surrender" and ask for help from a higher power.... their best thinking got them to this miserable place, the same as any addict.

I have been at the place of surrender more than once.... the place of despair and pain.... where I admitted I could not "handle" this by myself, and the support of family is not available to me as they don't understand MLC, and the support of the forum is just that... support (thank you all so very much) but NOW it is time for REAL HELP.... to TURN OVER the situation to the "universe, higher power, God"....

Just my take on it.

[StandandDeliver]

What makes them hit bottom though? I mean what if they just stay in the tunnel with no forward movement? My H (timewise) should still be in replay, but he is not really monster-ish anymore (well we have very little contact - absolutely NO social contact). Also he seems perfectly satisfied in OW relationship. What would make OW relationship start to unravel? Because frankly my H was so TERRIFIED of being "alone" that I don't imagine him ever leaving her...
And can someone remind me about limbo? What it is and when it is likely to occur, if it does? Thanks !

[Mamma Bear]

  I'm finding that if I listen carefully and read his texts carefully I can HEAR him asking himself questions.
  Recently he was heard saying " That guy Bob caused this depression. My old boss started this depression."
  And  " Mamma Bear,   Harry is a real  A**hole.  Oh and i guess I am also."   
  He also started saying "My brothers and sister never gave a crap about me. I was the youngest. I got screwed out of so much."
  And my favorite " If you won't be my friend I won't have any."
  I believe he is isolated over there at OWs and his messages are sounding more and more depressed.  Letting him twist in the wind .  I act like a pit crew at the Indiannapolis 500 speedway. I watch him going by in the laps. If he gets a flat or hits the wall I'm going on my coffee break.   LOL   But with only 6 months since BD I know we're only at lap 37......

[Love being on higher grounds]

Hi everyone. I have these very issues on my mind also...

My husband is clearly in even more of a depression now that he has moved out of ow/friends...

I have thought several times he was hitting rock bottom...only for him to carry on to something else...

he wants a divorce, wants to be alone, have his own place...

works his butt off to only pay for everything for me and the girls...he has nothing...

Is it wrong for me to ask...when he will see the WHOLE sitch for what is CAUSING him to have NOTHING??? I ask myself ALL of the time and then just keep plugging forward...

it is so obvious, and he doesnt see it. I dont think he is facing anything yet, maybe starting to touch on it.

the whole thing just keeps spinning...over and over...I just back away...

oh well...not an answer, just wanted to show that we all think this at times...

hugs,
L