[Synicca]

I would like to see our thoughts on handling a PA vs.  EA.

I feel that most women are able to handle a PA more then they can a EA..I feel this way.

It's really hard to get a grip on the idea my H "loves" OW, rather then I know he is having sex with her..
What are your thoughts??

[wondering]

In MLC, I believe most PA's are also EA's.  They are not strictly physical and maybe why they take so long to get rid of.  I really only have  read a few stories on here of spouses with just physical affairs that may have multiple OW with no real emotional connection. I think I read in one of the articles that most affairs in MLC are a combo of both a physical and emotional attachment. My H's affair was both.

[Synicca]

I totally agree...When my H told me He LOVED OW...more then he ever thought he could love another person.
That HURT, more then the fact that I knew he was having sex with her.
but MLC aside...I wonder why that is for me.

maybe because to be emotionally tied to someone else is harder to let go of. If H really loved OW, then maybe that means
I wouldnt have a chance of getting my M back?? if it was just about sex..then who cares.
sheesh! That sounds insane when I type it....

[Thundarr]

I don't know if this thread deals only with women, but I assume it does not hence the title.

Men definitely have a bigger problem with PA's than EA's, and I think we have all probaby had an EA whether we realize it or not.  But, I think the reason that men have a bigger problem with PA's is due to one simple thing - penetration.  I don't mean to embarrass anyone, and I'm having to type this fast, but research has shown that when a woman has unprotected sex with a man then biologically he becomes part of her forever.  The mix of genes causes a chemical reaction in the woman that leads to a bonding of sorts.  This isn't always perceptible, but there is evidence to support that it exists at some level.  Even when a woman has protected sex, the release of bonding hormones (oxytocin is one I think) may also cause the woman to become bonded with the male.


Men, on the other hand, do not have an influx of the woman's DNA and as such do not undergo a biological change.  Perhaps this is evolutionary to some degree, as male animals often tend to impregnate multiple females.  Whether or not there exists within humans the propensity to mimic the animal kingdom in this way is a matter for debate.  What is pretty much a given is that the biological reactions to sex are vastly different between males and females.  Where this leaves us is pretty much up to each individual person, but I do think it goes lengths to explain at least why men are more disturbed by a PA.  Perhaps something evolutionary inside men cues them to the fact that the female is physically bonded to them, so even if an EA exists it doesn't threaten his "territory" the way a PA does. 

I hope this post makes sense as D10 and S6 were arguing in the background.  I may have to edit it later if it doesn't.

[limitless]

It hurts more that my H let another woman (or women) into his heart and mind.

Maybe it's just me.

L

[Synicca]

Thundarr, I get that...made total sense to me...I know my H has said that it was very difficult for him to get over my PA
because of that very reason.


Limit, I am the same way!!

[Anjae]

In MLC a PA is almost always an EA. With OW1 the EA upset me a lot, even if my husband never told me he loved her. He just told me she was what he needed at the time. He also told me it wasn't because of the sex.

With OW2 I longer cared much about it (EA/PA). I knew it was an illusion. No idea if he "loves" or "is in love" with OW2. We are NC since she come along.

[LearningIamOk]

I think the EA is harder, but this is from a woman's perspective. I found it extremely offensive and insensitive that my H would be in constant contact with Spin ow even tho' I told him point blank how much it hurt me. That my H would discuss personal stuff with this creature when he would never open up to me, was a severe betrayal in my book.

If he had just "banged the b*tch" to borrow from RCR, I could have tolerated it better. Afterall, I grew up with the mindset that women who let themselves be used for sex were 2nd class citizens to be looked down on, ridiculed and despised. She would be no more than trash. But to elevate another person to the level of confidante and confessor, that's investing a lot of yourself in this person. That is saying to onlookers, this person is worthy.

[LettingGo]

The term you are looking for is "Emotionally bonded" which is what the MLC affair always seems to be..... mine also claims "It's not like that!" When I say "You f'd her this weekend, cuz that's what you do!" He HATES that I "describe" the act...... says "Why do you do that? I hate it! It sounds so gross!!" and I say "Because that is the TRUTH... this is NOT a movie, and it's not just going to go away.... you put your part A into her part B until one of you cries "uncle" and it IS gross, but it's the ACTUAL TRUTH!!"

No description from him of what it "is like" (regarding his declaration that "it's not like that!". It would interesting to find out. He did say once that he goes there to "feel free".... which I gather means free of responsibilities.... like, when he's there, he's not in his REAL life, so he can pretend to himself that he doesn't have kids, no bills, no in-laws, etc..... I guess he can just melt into HER life, her friends, her kid, her problems and his magically disappear. That is my supposition...

When he's with us, he has to face all of his unhappiness with how his life isn't perfect and he doesn't make enough money and we don't have a nice house any more and college is looming for our son and we're getting older... I guess OW at 29 still has her life ahead of her, and if she weren't the actual person she is, would still have time to turn her life completely around.... time to save for retirement... time to go back to school for a better job.... time for more kids....time to buy a house.... but she will never have or do those things.... it's her youth that is his fantasy. He has said that he thinks it is her youth that attracts him, cuz he doesn't like her looks, personality, tone of voice, cooking (when she deigns to cook, that is) or her family, mind or opinions!  In another breath he tells me that "Just so you know, youth isn't everything....and she's super immature.... "

Her head must spin when he's there..... he claims he lies more to her now than he does to me.... YAY!! I WIN!! I've washed my hands of their relationship..... tired of protesting against it, as I have NO influence on whether he can stop it or not... he will when he's ready and able and not a moment sooner.

[Silmarion]

Spooky....


I've just read today, the following extract:  ...study on 511 college men and women....asking if it would be more distressing or upsetting to imagine your mate having sexual intercourse with someone else...or...forming a deep emotional attachment to someone else.  The study findings showed...a man...likely....find idea of your mate having intercourse...more distressing.  ....Women...found idea of their mate forming a deep emotional attachment ...more upsetting.


I feel more betrayed there is EA as well as PA but in that order.

Sil x