[Mermaid]

Very sweet. But sorry, I was laughing, imagining my H trying to carry me to the door.

He'd be making jokes all the way about me... I'm 15 kg heavier and 3cm taller than him.


I think I'd kill HIM in the process.... 

[stayed]

That "fog" is more like insulation, protects you from any more hurt.  The numbness was a welcome to be totally honest. Forgiveness, my that was a struggle for me.  Strangely I found it easy to forgive my spouse.... after all he was human... we are all entitled to bad choices, not to mention, one can't really blame him for suffering the depression of MLC.  It was myself I had problems forgiving!  Not sure exactly why!  Perhaps for not being as good a wife as I thought I was, or not being able to help save him from himself.... I know, I was disgusted with myself for STILL WANTING HIM.   Goodness, this was the 21st. century... women had rights, strengths, education, didn't need no "damn" man, did we?  Combination of everything I guess. 

Forgiveness didn't come complete, all at once.  Seemed like there were layers of forgiveness.  Just when I thought I had forgiven everything and everybody involved, I would discover I hadn't at all.  It was like peeling an onion for me.  Almost took me as long to work through the layers of forgiveness as it did for my h to end his affair. 

Anyway, I loved that story.  I am sure she will have no trouble forgiving her spouse, whatsoever,  her faith will see her through it.  Hurt01 I hate what has happened to you, but you have the strength to get through anything.  The fog is protecting you for the time being.  Keep posting as I always learn something every time you do. 

Forgiveness is totally for yourself. 

[OldPilot]

Bewildered wanted me to post this story for her
_______________________________________________
A story from a work collegue
age start of MLC - 39
age when reconciled -42
sex - M
timeline  - 1999 - 2003
Children - (wife found out whe was pregnant after he left) so i child then after he came back 3 added - 4 in total
_______________________________________________
Mr M's  Story -

A man i know left his wife and baby for an OW and was gone for 4 years, I met him nearly two years into what I didn't know as a MLC (a work colleague) but I thought he was a lost soul - he didn't seem to know what he wanted out of life was confused, egotistical. arrogant. and I knew he was searching for something as I spent a lot of time with him -
he loved his OW and was going to marry her .. so he said never admitted he was married or had a baby till the summer before he went home  - id know or ages he was married as we shared a secretary and she was a tad nosey and read his emails.
on the 1st of July 2002 he was going on holiday with his OW  and had proposed and was planning his wedding (yet he was still married) on the 18Th he came back to work and he was different - really down and (now I know depressed and in withdrawal)
a month later he told me whilst a little drunk that he didn't know what he had done he loved his wife (finally admitted and child - id met her several times so again knew all about her) and been under his words a spell and she the OW who i had met (very pretty, model like, clever lawyer,but a b!tc# - wife countrified , little plump,  but so nice and bubbly) was like a drug and he needed her to feel good about himself - her and his obsession with swimming he was doing about 2 hours a day was keeping him going as he was falling at work - had stomach problems, i found him in tears more than once.

but he didn't get his act together till the September and asked his wife to take him back then  left the OW in November in a most spectacular way - Left the apartment they rented one morning and left her things in box's on the doorstep and rang her mobile and told her to come to the flat- he was going back to his wife and her stuff was on the street.

he moved home has had 3 more kids and is very happy. He told me his wife he knew would have him home and one day he woke up and looked at the OW and thought what am i doing i love my wife not her -  and started to make his way home but his wife made him date her for 3 months - one day a week - that's the only reason he took so long

so he turned quickly and your H may do also and the only warning signs i saw were he was jumpy at work, couldn't make his mind up even about a sandwich filling, changed his mind a lot, even when he had made his mind up, fell out with people, then was all over them, had weird ideas - I remember he was going to be a buddist then run for Parliament then something else.. this lasted for about 2 months after he got back from holiday ,, then he was OK all of a sudden then i think he spoke to his wife and asked to come back .. he showed remorse and blamed himself (non stop) was ashamed, embarrassed you name it (she has since told me)  and this went on for 7 months and they worked through it
he tells me he had his MLC because he was scared of not being 'good enough', not for his wife in general and the OW made him feel for a while amazing.

[Trustandlove]

he tells me he had his MLC because he was scared of not being 'good enough',

This is exactly what I hear from my H -- not yet in hindsight from him, but this is what is coming through from what he has said/done over the course of this crisis.  It has come in moments of clarity from him, which are fleeting and then the mask comes crashing down, but this is the crux of it. 

[Love being on higher grounds]

I have not got that he was scared of not being good enough...I flat out got he just isnt good enough...is that the same in there minds?

[trusting]

I have heard the same thing about not being good enough.

[True to myself]

Yes, me too. In fact, he brought up a few times over the years that I would leave him once the kids were grown up. I could never work out why he said that. I just said of course I wouldn't. I wish I'd thought a bit more about where it was coming from     Hindsight is a wonderful thing .............

Anyway, it turned out to be the other way round. He left me 

[trusting]

True - isn't it odd how that works? 

My H has always had poor self esteem and at least from when he would open up towards the beginning of MLC (it has been awhile now) it seemed to have been magnified so much.  I can see some of the things he has done the past couple of years have been an effort to make him feel better about himself (trying new things professionally, many new clothes, losing weight, etc.).  Yet HOW could you feel good about yourself after walking away from your family and causing so much pain to others? The disconnect in MLC is fascinating.

[justasking]

My H also thought he wasn't good enough, was not intelligent enough, no one listened and no one cared.

When I pointed out not many months after he left what a powerful man he was as he had impacted significantly on 5 lives besides his own, he said he didn't think anyone thought anything for him.

xx

[Bewildered]

Trust,

I think as its MLC that they can separate themselves from the hurt they cause us until awakening because remember they left because we were to blame they had to because blah blah blah  we didn't understand them, care about them, etc

So the journey begins to find themselves or at least their identity
from a physiology book:

What is an Identity Crisis?
Are you unsure of your role in life? Do you feel like you don't know the 'real you'? If you answer yes to the previous questions, you may be experiencing an identity crisis. Theorist Erik Erikson coined the term identity crisis and believed that it was one of the most important conflicts people face in development. Especially men in mid life,
Erik Erikson
Hope is both the earliest and the most indispensable virtue inherent in the state of being alive. If life is to be sustained hope must remain, even where confidence is wounded, trust impaired. --Erik Erikson
Birth and Death:
•   Erik Erikson was born June 15, 1902.
•   Died May 12, 1994.
Childhood:
Erik Erikson was born June 15, 1902 in Frankfurt, Germany. His father, a Danish man, abandoned the family. His young, Jewish mother later married a physician, Dr. Theodor Homberger.
His interest in identity developed early based upon his own experiences of abandonment and in school. At his temple school, the other children teased him for being Nordic because he was tall, blonde and blue-eyed. At grammar school, he was rejected because of his Jewish background.
Career:
After spending some time travelling throughout Europe, Erik Erikson studied psychoanalysis (This school of thought emphasized the influence of the unconscious mind on behaviour. Freud believed that the human mind was composed of three elements: the identity, the ego, and the superego. Freud's theories changed how we think about the human mind and behaviour and left a lasting mark on psychology and culture) from Anna Freud.
According to Erikson, an identity crisis is a time of intensive analysis and exploration of different ways of looking at oneself. Erikson's interest in identity began in childhood. Raised Jewish, Erikson appeared very Scandinavian and often felt that he was an outsider of both groups. His later studies of cultural life among the Yurok of northern California and the Sioux of South Dakota helped formalize Erikson's ideas about identity development and identity crisis.
Erikson described identity as "a subjective sense as well as an observable quality of personal sameness and continuity, as a quality of unselfconscious living, this can be gloriously obvious in a young person who has found himself through adolescence. His research showed the emergence of an identity crisis occurs during the teenage years in which people struggle between feelings of identity versus role confusion. The balance between identity and confusion lies in making a commitment to an identity. This methods looks at three different areas of functioning: occupational role, beliefs and values and sexuality.
Identity Statuses
•   Identity achievement occurs when an individual has gone through an exploration of different identities and made a commitment to one.
•   Moratorium is the status of a person who is actively involved in exploring different identities, but has not made a commitment.
•   Foreclosure status is when a person has made a commitment without attempting identity exploration.
•   Identity diffusion occurs when there is neither an identity crisis or commitment.
Researchers have found that those who have made a strong commitment to an identity tend to be happier and healthier than those who have not. Those with a status of identity diffusion tend to feel out of place in the world and don't pursue a sense of identity.
In today's rapidly changing world, identity crises are more common today than in Erikson's day. Exploring different aspects of yourself in the different areas of life, including your role at work, within the family, and in romantic relationships, can help strengthen your personal identity.
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A MLC is in some aspects is a search for your identity - I can see it in my H he doesn't seem to know who he is ,what he stands for, and is fighting the person inside of him be could be ? And we all know we cant tell someone this as they don't even know this ..Yet!!
the journey is the fight within themselves to figure it all out ...
How about us being secret Santa's so  ... Maybe we should swap our MLC H?W mobile phone numbers and get each of us to act like a SS and be the angel they need to open their minds to WAKING UP .......... hey!

B xxx