[Synicca]

I know, I may have gotten this whole ball rolling...I hope I am not stepping on ANY toes here by asking this question...maybe this is something RCR would like to do...( any Moderators here think I am in the wrong?) please let me know.

Since we are all a part of this group....it might be a good idea to get feedback so that we all can find a place of peace.
a SAFE place....

I have some suggestions....

Be patient with Newbies...they need to be welcomed and helped along to get their footing first before they are told to GAL. or to DETACH...it wont help and its to confusing when your lost in dispair. ( unless of course the newbie isnt a newbie to their MLC spouse )

Not everyone will follow the script.....so allow everyone to go at their own pace..I think it is important to help a LBSer
to do what "feels" right for themselves..we do not know their spouse so thats important, so that no one feels like
they are doing everything wrong. ( there is no wrong or right way )

These are just a couple of ideas...
hugs

[wondering]

Show compassion to all posters, offer gentle guidance and the occasional 2X4 when needed. I personally needed gentle 2 X 4 when my thoughts and actions were repetitive and when my thinking was non therapeutic, sorta of like I'm feeling now

We need this, otherwise it's just like my friends who make me feel pathetic, tell me I'm doing everything wrong and I need to give up on my marriage...they are not helpful with my healing at all!!

[Musica]

I think this is a great forum just to vent and feel like someone will listen and say its OK ... lots of times posters don't want advice, they just need to be heard by someone who understands. That's how I feel, when I have wanted advice I have asked the question ... can you give me advice please?? Otherwise I have just wanted to post to get my feelings out and to explain what's going on.

I agree newbies need gentleness and compassion, everyone deserves respect and each situation is different. Just being heard is enough for some people, sometimes advice isn't required.

R E S P E C T ... as Aretha sang! xxx

[Dontgiveup]

The way I try to help make it a safe place is knowing that people are also looking for answers to the question "what has happened to my spouse?"

So my intent is to make it a safe place by providing information.  I am one who believes that while each case of MLC has it's obvious differences, the commonalities are too great to ignore.  How many people have read articles that describe their situation so closely it amazes them?  Below is part of RCR's article on acceptance.  It's about acceptance through education and information.

"Acceptance in its intellectual form is about recognizing the process. For many this includes self-education about MLC, its root causes and recent triggers and thus recognizing that regardless of your flaws and indiscretions, his MLC is not your fault. If the fault is not yours, neither is the solution."

When I express an opinion or an experience, I can almost always back it up with a reference.  I do this to show commonality, but also to reduce the emotion.

[BonBon]

Good topic Synicca.
Thanks for the reminder on promoting detachment too early...I know I've done that in the past.  Which is funny considering I'm the worst detacher there is...lol.

Seriously, good post.  I don't have any suggestions but I'm interested to hear what others say.

[Rebel Yell]

I think I'm guilty of wanting to shove newbies in what I think is the right direction. Probably to help
them avoid the mistakes I've made early on. I have an excuse, I'm a man! OK I know that won't fly here
but I thought I'd try .
Sy, thanks for not just walking away! KUDDOS KIDDO!
Let the LBSs that are having a good time with this MLC stuff raise their hands! I didn't think so....

[Rebel Yell]

Oh the journal thing is great! I like it.

[Synicca]

RY- Maybe its the "fixer" in me....LOL!! I like to resolve issues...and I dont want to leave without trying atleast help to calm the storms
here, I may have slightly created..

[xyzcf]

Question concerning why it is a bad thing to promote GALing and detachment too early....My take on this is that MLC takes years. The pain that LBSers also takes years to go through. These concepts are key to our personal growth and healing.

When I post to someone, I am basing my thoughts on my experience. 2 years later, I am still detaching..we all are.....but, it had to start somewhere.

The seed was planted early on for me...by OP, HB and later by Stayed as well as RCR's articles....make a life of my own, live as though he isn't coming back, you have the gift of time, take this time to work on yourself...YOU CANNOT FIX HIM.

When I broke down (and that happened many, many times) the advice that I received always helped me..even if it was not what I wanted to hear. Even when it was tough because I did not want to believe that my situation would go this way...for sure my situation was different and would be shorter, less painful.

Sooo...I am against setting "rules" about what can be said and cannot be said. I think that when done with respect and good intention, then what we can learn from one another is EXACTLY why this forum saved my life. Truly, the people here, the ideas expressed..that is what is making me healthy again.

I'm not sure where this anger is coming from.....the problem with this type of communication is that there is no body language to help us to decipher what the true meaning or intention was....words can be taken several ways and because something is posted and then perhaps not responded to immediately..it is difficult to clarify what the person's meaning truly is...opening up to a great deal of misinterpretation.

As well, yes, this site tends to be for people who are standing for their marriages and also often (but not always) have a strong faith belief system...but if it helps non standers and non believers, then that's fine with me. And there are people who will choose to stand one day and not the next....as HB has said..it is always the LBSer's choice of when to stay or go.

The many different opinions expressed, the pros and cons help me to look at things objectively so I can make good decisions about my future...whether of not my Beloved is ever in it again

I will be honest, I am saddened bu the hurt feelings and turmoil that is being experienced here because I KNOW how much you all care about each other. OMG, when I read a newbie's post my heart breaks over and over again..because until they can discover some true friends here to guide them, comfort them and listen to them...they are truly on their own in a world that DOES NOT UNDERSTAND WHAT WE ARE GOING THROUGH.

I know...for those who know me, I am a Pollyanna kumbaya type of person......may we really take a look at what is causing us this distress.....we all hurt on so many levels and are hypersensitive I think because our normal regulatory mechanisms have been so stressed and overworked by this constant distress.....please....may each one of you know that only you will discover what you need, only you can decided what is right for you and your family..take what each person has to say, weigh it and place a value on it as you will. If it doesn't fit..then don't incorporate it into your life situation.

May God bless each one of you and may He heal you as only He can.

[Dontgiveup]

xyzcf

I don't think it is a bad thing to promote detaching and GAL early on.....even knowing the LBS will not be able to do either right away.  But sometimes we also say some form of "there's nothing you can do".  When the LBS is told those things, the feeling of helplessness can set in, when there are things that the LBS can learn how to "do" (respond vs react for example)

RCR covers this in the blog below
http://loveanyway.theherosspouse.com/?paged=13