Here's my opinion:
I was against FB for many years because I am very private. however, after I got myself together a few weeks after BD, I started one. It did work to my advantage. I found out who OW was (my H never imagined I'd use FB) through deduction and fooling a blabbermouth friend. I used the FB to flatter myself. I would not show any wild pix or anything. Just happy, smiling family stuff and how proud I was of my kids and the things I was involved in. I looked "together" which was in sharp contrast to OW's predictions that I was a slovenly, moocher crying her pathetic eyes out at home.
H also noticed all my old male friends happily becoming friends. They are almost all married, but H couldn't tell. For all he knew, they were swirling in interest.
OW, predictably, obsessed over it. I was unattractive she told my H at first. But sometimes she'd say, "she's not so unattractive." or to H "you think she's prettier, don't you?" and "she's got a bigger rack" or "I thought you said she was fat. she's not fat." and "you must still love her if you are jealous of the men"
yeah baby.
On another thread I posted how I -ooops -- posted a picture of our family at my daughter's birthday party and my H had his arm around me. The picture was a little forced, but there it was and I "mistakenly" made it available to "public". This made OW lose it, and yell at H and call him all sorts of names, throw stuff at him, threaten to leave and over all, lose her supposedly confident, cool, superior facade.
H did accuse me initially: "you are a manipulator, just like SHE said."
I did not react. I apologized for being a newbie on FB, but turned the tables and used her manipulator comment to my advantage:
me: i thought she was confident in your relationship. Is she worried?
H: she knows you want me back
Me: but she knows YOU don't want to come back, so no amount of arms around me will change that. Does she sense something to make her insecure?
H: i guess she's an insecure person
Me: I thought she was perfect. Hmmmm. She's like everyone else in the world. She's lonely, she wants security. She's missing something in her life. She has to start to grow up a little and gain confidence if she wants a relationship with you or anyone else to work out. After all, we will still get together for our kids' stuff. Will she be insecure and lose it each time? Wonder what that's going to be like.
H: yeah, that's weird.
Me: does she think you are easily manipulated?
H: she must
Me: well, maybe she'll calm down and see she over-reacted. She's confused and nervous. If she was stable in your relationship, she wouldn't have reacted like that. Seems like she's got something to work on. In the meanwhile, now that I know how insecure and sensitive she is, I will look at the privacy settings on FB.
Of course, I was thinking all the while, "yeah right. Hope she chokes on it."
Games? Maybe. But FB can work if you don't overdo it. I wanted it to be tasteful. I wanted it to represent a woman who is smart, conservative and a nurturing mother who is involved in upstanding, respectable organizations. There were no pictures of me partying or dating. Every now and then I'd say I saw a great movie, but I didn't say who i went with. I kept the post about the plot and my opinion of it. I left H and OW wondering, and OW wondering if H was wondering...and so on. OW also made the mistake of making fun of our D13's picture on FB and H got angry.
Eventually, OW took herself off as FB friend of his. She told him that she became obsessed with my FB and it was torturing her. Once H came back home to us, she blocked us both. She'd have to rely on friends to say what was going on or look for our public posts through her kids. It must have killed her to see his message on FB on our anniversary on how much he loved me and was glad I Stood for our marriage. Friends posted on our vacations pictures comments like "Thank G*d, all is right in the world again...." He also posted pictures of parties he had at our home for his coworkers. She wasn't invited. If i was her, I'd block us too.
I creep onto hers through my kids. It isn't public, but i can see her friends and limited posts. Her attorney, who was my husband's attorney, is now her FB friend, but the attorney has also blocked me and H. This is where FB can hurt, because I realized OW was the one that got the attorney for my H and spear-headed the old "Let's leave our spouses at the same time and run away together" plan. But, it's over, so that's that.
So FB can help you if you use it wisely. It can open you up to pain too. Keep it small and respectable. Show calm, cool, detached security of a woman who is confident and upstanding.
I'm no expert, and others may have their opinions, but this is what I did.
angelgirl
Do You Publicly Share Your Life Online?
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