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Author Topic: Discussion Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater?

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Discussion Re: Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater?
#30: October 17, 2011, 04:45:22 PM
Quote from: AnneJ on October 17, 2011, 04:35:27 PM
Agree with you, a cheater may, or may not be trusted again depending on circustances. A non MLC affair, can, I think, usually be forgived and the marriage saved. A MLC affair can be forgived but the marriage can't always be saved.

I don't see why you are drawing the distinction between affairs in MLC and ones that are not.

I've seen people whose spouses are not MLCing walk away from a marriage at the discovery of an affair. We have stories of people hold on through an MLC and are rewarded with a better relationship.

The biggest factors in whether or not a marriage survives is the willingness of both partners to commit and work through it, and time.
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Re: Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater?
#31: October 17, 2011, 04:53:29 PM
Sorry everyone. Had to step away for a bit. I must catch up.
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Me 35 ~ Pisces   
Him 37 ~ Gemini 
I was 13 ~ he was 15 ~ Together for 19 years. Doomed from the start?
We never married ~ no children ~ two cats ~ Bomb Drop ~ 6/22/09 ~ he left to be w/ the Op & Op's kid
Atomic Bomb Drop ~ 3/22/12 ~ found out they had a child in early February, 2012 ( 2 weeks before my BDay )

In 100 years, none of this will matter but time is still. (( hugs & prayers to all ))
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Re: Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater?
#32: October 17, 2011, 05:17:12 PM
I agree.  I know a lot of marriages that were not mlc that came to divorce because of an affair. I don't see why it would be different... The LBS ultimately makes the call. I would have been one of the people that was sure i would divorce over infidelity... BUT because it was or seemed "different" then an ordinary affair... I am still here. And though my "stand" has wobbled throughout this... I know that there is still HOPE for my marriage.
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me : 44
H : 38
D20, D11, D7
BD 3/18/10
Found about OW 3/21/10
H moved out 5/13/10
5/16/10 OW found her fiancee hanging over their A
5/31/10 I miscarried our baby
10/1/10 H moved in with OW
10/13/10 I filed for D
I/5/11 H started to see me several times a week.
11/21/11 H moved home
in and out of mental institutes
2 /17/12 I filed a restraing order
3/8/12 H filed a D
D finalized 2/12/13
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Re: Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater?
#33: October 17, 2011, 05:26:14 PM

Thanks for all the replies.
Quote from: Silmarion on October 17, 2011, 03:15:11 PM
Hi StarGG

Hmmm....I had a few things rummaging in my head.  Once you have cheated, you are always a cheater - you cannot then not be one, if that makes any sense?  I don't think my H cheated previously and I can only say at that time I trusted him - maybe overtrusted.  As to 'cheating' well, first you have to believe you have and I know my H vehemently denies he is an adulterous as he'd already separated.  However, one of the reason he seems to want a D may be because he cannot bear the 'cheating' (he so denies).  A bit long winded but somehow it makes sense to me!!!

Sil x


I see what you mean about "once you have cheated, you are always a cheater". The old me would believe this completely but as SS says, people change. Considering the varied reasons they do it in the first place, I have faith that even a cheater can change if they really, really wanted to, now. 
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Me 35 ~ Pisces   
Him 37 ~ Gemini 
I was 13 ~ he was 15 ~ Together for 19 years. Doomed from the start?
We never married ~ no children ~ two cats ~ Bomb Drop ~ 6/22/09 ~ he left to be w/ the Op & Op's kid
Atomic Bomb Drop ~ 3/22/12 ~ found out they had a child in early February, 2012 ( 2 weeks before my BDay )

In 100 years, none of this will matter but time is still. (( hugs & prayers to all ))
L
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Re: Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater?
#34: October 17, 2011, 05:30:47 PM
Ok, so I havent been posting much as of late, I have been busy, with myself, my daughters and yes, my estranged husband...

I have not said this EVER b4 and I apologize if it offends anyone...I am totally blown out of the water by some of these postings...

I HAVE BEEN WHERE YOU ARE Annej, I KNOW it is not easy, im not downing you ...but having such a negative attitude towards everything isnt going to help you or anyone else

I am one that was a fixer, a tough cookie to get through to...but after I started really thinking about things and taking the advice being give...even at times aith a great big grain of salt, I realized that my husbands "list of complaints" did deserve some validation, so I started to work on myself, NOT for him, but for me, to be a better person. We all have the capability to learn from our own mistakes

I went through more crap that I ever imagined possible! the lying, sneaking , spending of all of our money...the list goes on and on. He lived with his "friend" for just over 2 years...

I took care of me and my daughters, and believe you me, it was not an easy task!, no money, not knowing if we would have a home to live in...serious doubts that I could ever get back to being the independent, self reliant person I was b4 I met my husband

it took a lot of time, patience, energy, tears, spewing and throwing tantrums, but I kept going...all the while staying clear of my H's friend, and even my h at times.

I had to LEARN to accept what was going on whether I liked it or not! the more I dwelled on what he and his friend was doing the harder it was...took A LONG time and our old timers can attest to it, but I started to ignore him, his behaviors and his BS!

I wouldnt feed into his drama at all, and it was hard...he is a clinger, still to this day!

Our spouses are not who we married, they are sick! They need to take this on themselves, ALL of it!

We can not fix it and the more we fight it, the worse it will be. Im not kidding...it gets much worse b4 it gets any better and then some...

I was blown off for a number of years, like I almost didnt exist...cept when he needed something. I have gone to court and been lied to! my h also filed for divorce, but it never went anywhere, he treated our children more like people he didnt know than his own kids, cause NOTHING mattered to him except him.

holidays, birthdays they were all just another day...nothing made a difference...he was depressed, didnt feel good was tired...oh yeah, and he didnt work for over a year!

well I really feel the need to share, that they DO NOT REALIZE WHAT THEY ARE DOING... the cheating, lying, spending, acting like a child...none of it...they are clueless.

But until THEY start to suffer their consequences, and THEY start to see what they have done and caused...NOTHING can or will pull them out of it all...

Not every MLCer is the same, and they never will be, different situations, different circumstances...I will say this though, it is solely up to YOU as to what you want your life to be, and who you want to share it with. That is the ONLY decision you can make. Nothing else matters right now. People change every day, for many reasons, including to better their relationships and/or marriages. Once a cheater always a cheater I dont even believe this applies in MLC...they arent sane, they can not make conscious thought out decisons...

I hung on, changed alot of things about myself for myself and kept my love for my husband even when I couldnt stand to see his face!

It is a long road. You have to choose where you want it to try and lead you. If you are done and walk away, no one here will condemn you for that, but I must say that in my mind as well as a whole bunch of others divorce is not our first option.

I am seeing my husband hit rock bottom, little by little picking himself back up. Becoming a much better person than he ever was. has he made some really poor decisions? yes. He is now suffering the consequences in MANY different ways. I know I am fine without him, however I choose to be with him. People make many mistakes throughout their lives, it doesnt mean they are not worthy...everyone deserves a chance.

There are success stories here, and many many stories of what we all go through. In very distinct detail.

What is right for one may not be for the other, but only the individual can decide what is right for them.

Im done ranting now...what advice people are trying to give is very valuable, you never have to agree with any of it but please hear it, it was a lifesaver for me...

hugs,
L





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2 years since he left... divorce was filed a year ago, nothing going on right now. Seems like he and OW are done...will take some more time! Seems comfortable being around me and the girls. Relaxed without her, but does not want me...or anyone else...all that matters are his daughters...

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Re: Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater?
#35: October 17, 2011, 05:33:03 PM
Great post Love.  Thanks.  :)
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Re: Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater?
#36: October 17, 2011, 05:35:59 PM
Quote from: Stillpraying on October 17, 2011, 03:21:39 PM
One of the qualities I admired in my H when I met him was his honesty (or so I thought).

I have now discovered that he saw a prostitute twice during his first marriage. :-[  He told me that after I asked him if he had been physical with anyone in OUR marriage.  Not a very direct response to my question about us ???

After he left his first wife he very quickly got heavily involved with a person he met with car trouble.

When he met me he failed to tell me he was still legally married.  I discovered this later.

I have no idea now what is the truth and what he has been up to during our marriage.  I do feel for sure that the relationship with OW did NOT start after he left me as he likes to assure us.  I know he left me for her.


This is what I'm trying to figure out, too. I can't understand exactly what was real or fake. On one hand, I caught him doing lots of things here & there that really made me furious and I can't tell if he was simply a great manipulator with his explanations or if he was telling the truth. I always had that gut feeling but then I wonder if I was exaggerating, nagging, causing trouble and driving a wedge between us. On the other hand, he bought me anything I could want ( not that I asked for anything ), he took care of me financially for a couple of years, and he was very supportive of whatever I wanted to do. It all made me very confused. I still am confused about it.
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« Last Edit: October 17, 2011, 06:44:11 PM by StarGazerGirl »
Me 35 ~ Pisces   
Him 37 ~ Gemini 
I was 13 ~ he was 15 ~ Together for 19 years. Doomed from the start?
We never married ~ no children ~ two cats ~ Bomb Drop ~ 6/22/09 ~ he left to be w/ the Op & Op's kid
Atomic Bomb Drop ~ 3/22/12 ~ found out they had a child in early February, 2012 ( 2 weeks before my BDay )

In 100 years, none of this will matter but time is still. (( hugs & prayers to all ))
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Re: Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater?
#37: October 17, 2011, 06:33:32 PM
Love, I don't have a negative atitude, I've passed that. I simply don't think all marriages can, or must be saved. Let alone all MLC marriages. We all have a time frame and mine has passed. I'm very away from where I was 5 years ago, 3 years ago, 1 year ago.

Of course they are not the person we married with. And they will never be again.

Divorce was not, nor is, my first option. If so I had done it after BDC or after OW2 or when they moved in together. I did not contest my husband first fauld divorce against me, so, case closed, we remained married, he remanied with OW2.

But, like you said, people change and things change. I'm done with him. I do not want to share the rest of my life with him.

This, of course, may change, but, for now, it is like that.

Even if I would want to spend the rest of my life with my husband that would only be possible after a divorce. That is the only way he will start to see what he has caused. And he needs to suffer the consequences of his actions. I know him enoughMLC or not, to know that.

So far nothing he has not suffered any real consequence. Well, he may had is heart broken when OW1 was no mora, but that was it.

They understand a little of what they are doing but not much. Essencially, I know that from the letters my husband had wrote OW1 and a talk he had had with me on March 2008, they only feel. And what they feel is a mess of feelings.

Still, I'm sorry to hear your husband has not been honest to you. So, and I hope you don't take offense, you were OE without knowing so. May I ask what you've done when you did found he was still legally married? Asking because OW2 did not knew my husband was still legally married.

Star, until the crisis begin my husband was not manipulative and I knew he was real, never caught him doing nothing he shopuld not been doing, so, the man he is in the crisis is not the man he was before.



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Re: Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater?
#38: October 17, 2011, 06:34:15 PM
Quote from: Synicca on October 17, 2011, 04:17:10 PM
ok, I guess Ill jump in here.....since we all know...well, thoughs of you that have kept up with my sitch..

my H has cheated a total of 7 times...2 of which came during MLC Replay...but the 5 others....well, They happened I think
mainly because my H has never felt GOOD enough in life...I think he "expected" himself to fail at our M...His father was/is a
perpetual cheater...his Mother is still with his father...my H KNEW about the PA's...his mother made my H follow his own father
to catch him in the act....I dont think that was very healthy......duh! plus you ad the meth addiction and travel for work..
and putting himself into situations that bring this kind of crap into your life.


I KNOW why my H cheated ( part anyway ) I had stopped sleeping in the same bed with him for 2 years...He felt VERY unloved by me.
I am by no means excusing it...but I understand it...Do I think he will cheat again?? No...I actually dont for the first time ever...
If you can believe that one..I see more regret and guilt out of my H then I have EVER seen in our 24 years together. To me that says
everything.


Thanks for sharing that Synicca. I wasn't aware of all those details in your situation. Very insightful! I empathize with the part you said about him "feeling very unloved and sleeping in a different bed". One instance in particular, occurred four months before BD. At that time, I stayed a total of two months at my parents house ( 5 minutes by train from home ). I have no idea why, but something told me to stay at my parents house. I don't know if some force was preparing me for this or if he simply, saw it ( my being gone ) as his opportunity to find someone and leave because he felt I didn't love him. BIG mistake on my part but I have a feeling it would have happened anyway
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« Last Edit: October 17, 2011, 10:13:20 PM by StarGazerGirl »
Me 35 ~ Pisces   
Him 37 ~ Gemini 
I was 13 ~ he was 15 ~ Together for 19 years. Doomed from the start?
We never married ~ no children ~ two cats ~ Bomb Drop ~ 6/22/09 ~ he left to be w/ the Op & Op's kid
Atomic Bomb Drop ~ 3/22/12 ~ found out they had a child in early February, 2012 ( 2 weeks before my BDay )

In 100 years, none of this will matter but time is still. (( hugs & prayers to all ))
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Re: Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater?
#39: October 17, 2011, 06:43:44 PM
Syn, what makes you think your husband will not cheat again? The regret and guilt? Do you think he will not cheat when those fade out?...
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Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)
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