[crazyforhim]

OMG thanks LG!! Just smack me upside the head...it's not that I think my sitch is special. I think I am having a hard time picturing OW that way (bc I know her and she just never seemed that way)
But I do need to wrap my head around the TRUTH. It's my doubt that is making me see things this way
DOUBT- what a horrible word.
But maybe if everyone posted a million posts about how bad the OW is it might get throught this thick skull of mine.
Thanks for everyone's patience and understanding.

Thanks again LG!

[Anjae]

CFH, the MLCer like control..... OW is a doormat.... she "lets" him do whatever he wants without question because she is desperate... MLCers typically drink like fish, yet OW either say nothing, or the MLCer will threaten to leave.

When he DOES actually try and leave (not just threaten to get her to straighten up), she cries, begs, pleads, throws herself in front of the door, says the police have been called.... she is WEAK.... all she HAS is manipulation... with guilt trips, threats, suicide attempts or threats, neediness,  sex..... that's all she has!! It's what she has ALWAYS used with men... she's a DOORMAT!!

The MLCer now finds himself CAUGHT in a trap... he wants out, but NOW where will he go? He's already F'd up his family.. will they take him back? He will have to eat crow for the rest of his life... maybe he can get OW to GROW UP... maybe, if he ALLOWS her to call him a million times a day, she won't be so insecure... maybe if he moves in with her, gets a joint bank account, buys a house, signs a lease....MAYBE she will relax so HE can relax... she's no fun anymore!!

So, if she never questions him or makes demands, is that really being sweet? He still knows he is TRAPPED!! She can't go five minutes without texting him about something!! Who would want to live that way?

You seem overly concerned that your sitch is "special"... that your husband's OW is NOT a broken human being incapable of being in a R..... that somehow she's the better catch.... but look at who she's involved with!! It's just two F'd up people who got together like magnets... it's all he can attract right now!! Sure, YOU would take him back, but that's cuz you have a whole life together.. HISTORY.... and you know he's sick!! What's HER problem??? Bad taste in men???

My husband recently made a monster comment about "I'm not going to be with OW... if you and I aren't together, I can get another woman.." and I said "I'm not so sure about that.. you seem pretty F'd up...." he couldn't even reply, cuz he knows he's in no shape to be with anyone but me right now, and even that is debatable...

Don't worry so much about how wonderful you think she is.... make YOURSELF wonderful!! If she is needy and controlling, then you need to be independent and soft. That's all you need to know.

crazy, know that I've just come across part two of the love correspondence between husband and OW, I could not agree more with LG. They validate whatever they do, if they are a man of success in what they do, like my husband, the king of club scene, OW will even be very supportive. After all she is having all that fantastic social attention she would not get otherwise.

And, yes, the MCLer is now (mine even doubling) trapped in OW land. She was sweet, sweet, sweet. Was there fro him in the sad times after OW1, helped him getting a lawyer to take to court, looked after him when he got sick, always is by his side (he cannot go anywhere without her and if he does he has to return home staright away). He has not even be back to our hometown for almost an years and a half.

He already Fu** it up with me, so, where is he going to go? Nowhere! he is stuck with OW2! The poor broken hearted sad he  jumped from OW1 into OW2 and has been with her since.

LG, my husband, no matter how Fu*** up he is will always get another woman given is social status. I have know realised that there is an army of women willing to be husband's next girlfriend. And, of course, he now knows we will always have a woman on his side.

Until, of course, the day he hits rock botton!

[kikki]

my husband, no matter how Fu*** up he is will always get another woman given is social status. I have know realised that there is an army of women willing to be husband's next girlfriend. And, of course, he now knows we will always have a woman on his side.

Until, of course, the day he hits rock botton!

Yes, I remember reading this - the higher the perceived social power, the higher the income - the more these guys will have choice over which bimbo they're going to choose next ........  Sad ..........

[Synicca]

Ahh I am glad I read this again....Love how HB writes it all out...

LG is right...The OW has so many underlining issues that doesnt mean they are seen outwardly...She may be sweet in "public"
but a controling b*tch behind closed doors...When my D first met OW, She told me that OW was "all over the place" could tell that OW was "trying to hard" laughed all the time..made my D go  but then when my H and OW would go into their bedroom, my D could hear them in there fighting...and OW's voice changed...My D KNEW that OW was faking the "nice" side.


If anyone wants to know how F'd up a OW really is...just ask me...I think I have had FRONT row seats into my H's R with her
since the beginning...BOY, Have I went through alot of popcorn in the last 14 months...hehehe   

[crazyforhim]

Synnica,
Please enlighten me on the OW- I have read about them and heard about them but i guess
what I am trying to get passed is how messed up they are and who would be with such a woman if she is such a b**tch. Just hard to wrap my head around that H would be with someone like that...hey, I had my moments being a b**tch but really to be that horrible...get on with it already. geesh!!!
I wish my D would fill me in sometimes but she is very tight lipped about OW anyway (no talk at all about her...just her Daddy)
Please fill me in
CFH

[limitless]

It's really a shame.
There are many discussions on this board about various topics.
GALing, therapy for the LBS, Scripture, etc.
Yet this topic fills a massive amount of pages in just a short time.
Self focus?  No. I don't think so.

I am guilty of spending WAY too much time thinking about OW....what does H see in OW.....why is he with OW, etc., etc., etc.

It is really a waste of time!  A healthy, normal, adult does not knowingly get entangled with another person who is married, with or without children.  Some OW are unknowing participants.  Some have taken a line of bull cr*p from the MLCer (and they can lie), and some are true alienators and pursuers.

So what?  What does it matter?

OW (and OM) are merely part of Replay and are a way to avoid.  A bandaid over a broken leg.

Nothing more.

Don't give the alienator so much space in your head! 

THEY DON'T MATTER.

They really don't.

The so called relationships seldom last.  Enough said.

Limitless

I will get off my soap box now.

[crazyforhim]

Limitless...I don't want to speak for everyone when I say- It's like we know that in our heads.
OW means nothing, the R won't last, they really aren't happy.
But really I am so guilty of allowing it to be in my head more than I want it to be...maybe it's bc I am home along (working from home- but I am by myself in the quiet) and have that much more time to think. When the kids get home from school, thinking about it- not so much!

So I KNOW I shouldn't do it- but do anyway sometimes...does that make sense. Now I just have to fix that part LOL
Your advice is spot on though and so now knowing and doing. OW- get out of my freakin head.

It doesn't help that I see her too often...she was sitting in H's van in my driveway this morning as I was taking the kids to school..what a way to start the day YUK!!

[Synicca]

Limitless...

As much of that is ALL so very true....Its one of the hardest things to get past...Trying to understand the dynamics in their R is one of
my dowfalls...BUT, I learned a long time ago that the OW means nothing...so I do NOT compare myself to HER...

The biggest problem in being the LBS is comparing yourself to the Alienator....because most of us at BD have issues with self esteem.
Its natural emotions when you have been left for another woman...I did it. ALOT!

The thing is...we all want to believe that the OW is a crazy batsh*t woman that is needy and pushy and mean and cruel.
My H's OW is all of that and more...but I think being a "preditor" because I think ALOT of OW's are. They KNOW exactly how
to ACT around the public...and they will come across as sweet and kind...but really, like LG says.,.,THEY are the DOORMATS.

They ( in my case) know they are tangled up with a married man with a child/dhildren, yet, because they FEEL entightled
to EVERYTHING they get out of life...stomping on children to get there is fine by them! They SEEK out weak and unstable men
to "USE"

My H's OW..( I just learned this) has/had a "sugar daddy" another MARRIED man paying HER bills and buying HER things. SHE told my H that this man was a "father figure" that HE only HELPED her out because HE CARED about HER well being.

The very fact that this MAN is now going through a D, because HIS WIFE found out...SAYS EVERYTHING!

OW use SEX and manipulation...to get "taken care of"

LEARNING how to BE YOURSELF and not compare her to YOU is important...but HARD as hell when you allready feel like a FOOL
for not "seeing it coming" at BD.

It takes time....but we all need to get to a point where "we just know" that the R is DOOMED to start...It is doomed because you CANNOT start ANY R ( normally) based on lies...The VERY foundation is weak.

[LettingGo]

CFH, maybe this will help....

My husband recently said "I can't believe I got mixed up with someone like her... I don't know how it happened..." he has called his "feelings" for her "INFATUATION"..... HE identified it as such, so if that's as far as we've got, at least he knows the feelings aren't REAL.... another thing he identified on his own, was the REASON he goes "up there" is because it is an "Escape from reality... from paying bills and stuff...".

Unfortunately, we are his REALITY, so OW holds the position of being the IDEA of an escape, though when he gets there, he says he wants to run almost as soon as he walks in the door.... I suspect he can go there and stay drunk and smoke pot and use her for sex all weekend without any disapproval.... she's that desperate. When he's home, I no longer disapprove, or try and stop him or control him.... REAL LIFE does that, and so does his conscience. He cannot be his WORST SELF in front of me... because he RESPECTS ME and doesn't care about her... the only care he has for her is that he has used her and feels he "owes" her.... also because she "loves him so much" he feels guilty... but not guilty enough to stop using her.

MLCer and OW use each other... that's all. Once their needs aren't being met, out come the demands. Of course OW is demanding and controlling.... she wants him to divorce you and marry her. The MLCer is so darn stupid, they will often say "No, she doesn't want that... she's independent and doesn't need a man to support her" but eventually, he catches her in a series of lies, including how her salary is a lot less than she told him....

I just accidentally (just picked up the paper lying on the bed... believe me, I wish I didn't know about this!) saw the electric bill from their apartment that my husband paid.... It was for $761 !!! I don't know if the deal was SHE was supposed to be paying it and never did, so HE paid it in order to save his credit when their lease was up.... I have NO idea!! But I can tell you this... if he spent a total of 6 days per month there (in the beginning it was  a little more) then he got ROBBED by this woman.... If he was paying half the RENT, he was robbed... I suspect that when she moved to her new apartment, she just didn't bother to tell him she never paid the electric bill SINCE IT WASN'T IN HER NAME!  I suspect one of the last BIG FIGHTS they had where he revealed he found out she lied was about the electric bill, now that I think of it...

But, it doesn't really matter, because he won't be finished with HER until he puts to rest some things in HIM..... it is VERY painful for me to see him go back and forth.... I know he doesn't want to be there... but the addiction is a demon that takes over. It doesn't MATTER how awful OW is.... he has to keep DENYING it in order to justify spending any time in her presence....even though my husband doesn't like her, she is WHERE HE GOES TO AVOID HIS LIFE.... if he could do it without her, he would.... but for some reason, they have to have a woman around.

The process of the MLC affair is UGLY because it actually has little to do with the two people involved... they are like black holes of neediness sucking the life out of each other.... their needs NEVER get met.... all of the love declarations are BS and they figure that out eventually, but think of yourself as the leader of the self awareness pack... you're ahead, he's behind you trying to catch up... and OW is bringing up the rear NEVER going to get a clue... that's why all of the begging and pleading.... she can't survive without him... she's a doormat with no coping skills, while he is perhaps learning about coping skills by watching YOU do so well, even with the crap hand he has dealt you...

[Synicca]

Where's the "LIKE" button? LG...   Very well put.