[ziggee]

My pride has been taking a total beating ever since BD.  First, my H talks about how he's not been happy for YEARS. 

I hear the same things... and I think to myself.. could it be true?  I think I mentioned before.. I am an amateur photographer and I have thousands and thousands of pictures of her with our common friends, with the soccer team, with the kids and there is no way on gods green earth.   I think she just has to say that to justify in her own mind her actions.

I think I mentioned the other day she told my eldest son 21 that the only reason she got married at the time was because her parents where pressuring her to go to collage.  Thank goodness he has his head screwed on straight right now... and that is in large part due to the fact that she brought him up right.  As I have read here the MLCer is their alien opposite and it is so so so true in this case.  Nothing was more important to my wife then our family.  Now it is the last thing on her list.

For the most part for the last 8 months I have done all the tucking of kids into bed and what not... and last night she sent our youngest to bed D4 and said she would tuck her in in a second.  With is unusual... 30 seconds later my wife goes for a bath for an hour.  I tuck and my wife comes out and says ok I am going to tuck you in now...  Eldest daughter 16 says dad did it an hour ago.

How can you forget to tuck your daugher in to bed in the space of 30 seconds?

Wow... I just really meandered there... heh   Sorry about that

Noticed we share BD of march... and Separation discussion in Aug... we must be following a similar trajectory

Me.

[angelgirl]

I believe it may account for more divorces than first speculated. There were always stories of husbands suddenly abandoning families. didn't they call it the 7-year itch? Wives who did it were vilified more.
My sister went through it, and I am discovering more and more people who had endured this. The movies with their "i'm in love but not in love with you" and the even worse one "do whatever makes you happy" attitudes coupled with the assault on the family, contributes. One friend said, "divorce is easy, what's your problem?" However studies show the damage this causes.
Live isn't a movie. You can't always do what makes you happy. Suffering is part of life. and if your marriage is in a rut, you must talk to your partner and work hard at fixing it. These are such simple truths that modern day attitudes is corrupting. My therapist did not believe in midlife crisis. he said my H must have been like this all along and I simply ignored it. I thought I was nuts there for a while. But I'm hearing more and more stories. Just yesterday my dentist said his wife walked in and BD's him after 25 years. he was devastated.
angelgirl

[Anjae]

I think it is a growing thing. The numbers become higher for a number of reasons. We live long (at my age both my grandmothers were widows), the demands of our current life style, the sort of thing thar society places importance upon, the cult of youth, along with many other factor will made (are making) MLC numbers going up.

[Dontgiveup]

I think most of our opinions on this are based on our lives and immediate surroundings.  Based on that and what I have read, I do not think midlife crisis is prevalent.  Is 8% too low?  Perhaps, but I don't know.

I think it is too hard to try to figure out based on affairs.  I think most affairs are just that....they are affairs.  An affair is a symptom of MLC, but is definitely not the only one.

I do believe that most will go through a midlife transition.

[ziggee]

I do believe that most will go through a midlife transition.

I think most people go through dozens of transitions... the big differances is how one copes and what support systems are in place etc.. 

[Anjae]

Dontgiveup, I really think MLC is going up.

angel, yes, there were always stories of husbands that went away. TV series Mildred Pierce, set in the 1930's show a wife whose husband goes away. There is OW but we do not know much about the situation, just that Mildred becomes a grass widow and opens her own business.

Can't really get that "I love you but I'm not in love with you". One can be in love a bunch of times but love we do not love many people. So, what is the problem of love the spouse? Do they mean the butterflies in their belly is gonne? I wonder because husband and I fall in love with each other several times, so, the lack of butterflies in his stomach was not what made in leave. The love was always there until he left.

Actualy, I got I don't love you anymore but I still want you. A little different from the norm.

Nothing wrong with whatever makes you happpy since it does not make someone else unhappy nor hurts anyone.

[unbroken]

I agree with DGU.
While I believe it's not uncommon, it's not rampant in my world.
I also don't attribute every separation or divorce to MLC.  Sometimes people just decide the marriage wasn't for them.  I have 3 friends who got married the year after I did and they are all divorced.  At least 2 of them tried counseling.  There was none of the back and forth.  No one really had a drastic change in personality.
There's a thread on here about trying to figure out if something is MLC or not.  I think it does a disservice to consider everything MLC.  For me two key things are a significant change in personality - that others see, not just the LBS - and the indecision, back and forth often saying ILY but not showing it by their actions.  Oh, and seeing their pain/depression.

I would also say that this idea that the media has spread that we should all be happy all the time and there's something wrong if we are not is probably a major contributing actor.  Life is hard.  I don't think it's supposed to be fun all the time.  In fact, I think some of the most worthwhile things are difficult.  Is raising kids fun all the time?  Are you always happy about it?  Seems to me that it's exhausting and frustrating, but deeply worthwhile.  Well, the same for marriage, but no one gets that.

[Anjae]

liw, don't think fun and happy are the same thing. Raising kids may not always be fun but that does not mean you are nor happy. happyness comes from within, not from having fun. Nor does a difficult tjhink makes you unhappy. Chess is difficult but it does not makes me unhappy.

No, not all divorces are due to MLC. Most are not. Don't agree with the part of the changes everyone sees, not just the LBS. Most people around my husband see no change in him. They either only meet in months prior to BD, afterwards or, if before, can't see much change in him because he does no let them see it.

Who sees it? I do, my family does, his best friend does. Maybe my SIL does as well. Don't know, never asked her.

Agrre with the depression/pain.

[Dontgiveup]

AnneJ

"Most people around my husband see no change in him."

"Who sees it? I do, my family does, his best friend does."

So some other people DO see changes in your husband?  It's not uncommon for most people around the MLCer to see no change in them, since often the MLCer will find a new and different crowd during the crisis.  Others do see it, but don't want to get in the middle, so they say nothing.


Ziggee
"I think most people go through dozens of transitions"

Possibly so, but we are specifically referring to midlife here.

"the big differances is how one copes and what support systems are in place etc

Yes, since MLC is the result of lack of emotional development from an earlier age, I agree the coping skills in the MLCer are greatly lacking.  I'm not sure what you mean by support systems, but I'm not sure most MLCers look for that once the crisis has begun.

[Anjae]

AnneJ

"Most people around my husband see no change in him."

"Who sees it? I do, my family does, his best friend does."

So some other people DO see changes in your husband?  It's not uncommon for most people around the MLCer to see no change in them, since often the MLCer will find a new and different crowd during the crisis.  Others do see it, but don't want to get in the middle, so they say nothing.

Yes, the ones I mentioned. But I thought LIW was refering to people other than some very close to the MCLer. I now they get a different set of friend and social circle, or choose a part of the social circle that only knew them from social events. Mine did both that, new friends (much younger, unmaried ones) and a part of th social circle that was not intimate.

Guess you're right, others see but say nothing. My family says nothing, his best friend says nothing. Had had a very big talk with him before he left (before BD), and after he left and BD. Of course husband did not listened.

Well, my husband wanted my help, so, he was lookinfg for a support system. My help to do as he pleased while he left me with nothing...It was strange, all those "you have to help me". Had no idea how to help him. Could not let him overstep my legal rights, nothing I said made a difference. When he asked what I though of what he was doing, I told him. He said, I know, but I need your help.

If it was now, this forum may had provided me with some insight, over 5 years ago I was lost. Still don't know what that "you have to help me" meant...