[Freddygone]

Quote by LifeGoesOn

Doing nothing at all was more effective than venting anger.

Turn the other cheek? Where did I hear that one?

[StandandDeliver]

I think that study is interesting LGO, because there are definitely times where I know that my anger feeds my anger and then I need to do something (for me yoga or calling a friend or reading a good book) that distracts and relaxes me and puts things into perspective. But there are other times when something has happened that angered me and I have come here and "vented", had people respond, tell me they understand or land me with a 2x4, and it has helped extinguish the anger so that it does not fester and feed itself. So I guess it depends on how you define "venting". I do go off on one from time to time and then the good people here, point it out, and I retreat,  think about my reaction and it truly helps me move on from the anger.

So, I do see this forum as a place to "vent" - where people will put me in my place, but do it kindly if you see what I mean. ANd it is true that it would be better if I NEVER felt the need to vent, but I am human, I endeavour to control my feelings as much as possible, but sometimes they are my feelings, they are negative, they are not pretty. I am sure that there are people who do not feel anger as often as I do, and there are people who feel it a lot more frequently. I do not want to take out my anger on my children, on my friends, on my family or even on my MLCer. I don't want to bash anyone (badmouth them, put them down) but sometimes I do need to express genuine anger at bad behaviour that has been directed at me or that has affected me or my children. I don't know the answers here - it is too bad that some people feel that they have been confronted with put downs or criticism. As someone who has made endless errors in dealing with MLC, and who diverged from some of the purposes proposed by the site at times, I am aware that there are those who fundamentally disagree with some of the decisions that I have made. I am comfortable with that and I continue to post here because I think people may be interested in how this turns out for me even though I may choose a different path. I would NEVER tell some one that they should do things the way I am doing them - in fact, if you want to save your marriage at all costs then you probably want to give some of my decisions a wide berth  . Still, it is not over til it's over (the MLC, that is) and who knows, maybe my MLCer and I can still reconcile one day even though I am moving away from that direction, so maybe it is still worth hearing my story even if you disagree with my choices.

[BonBon]

Well said S&D!
I always want to hear so count me in!

[Freddygone]

I agree too.
How do we learn if we don't listen. Count me in too. 

[stayed]

Me too S&D, I love hearing what you have to say.  I have always found your thread to be fascinating and informative.

hugs Stayed

[BonBon]

The study is interesting.  I know anger is bad, but unavoidable.  Personally, I tried doing all kinds of active things to try and dispel some of my anger but it didn't work for me.  Oh well.  Guess  I'll just keep venting and hope for the best.

Stayed, I'm so glad you agree regarding the cultural issues.  And I loved the way you put it..made me laugh actually, envisioning all these whiny babies...lol.

Don't get me wrong.  I feel blessed to live in a culture/place of such abundance.  And I think with that abundance comes progress and charity and all kinds of good things.  But it also has a down side.  My parents generation lived through a Depression and World War and they were too busy to contemplate their navels all day (as my departed Dad would have said). 

Stayed, it's funny that you used the starvation/anorexia example.  Even my husband has said on a few occassions that he is aware that if he lived in a place where simply surviving was his only task, he wouldn't have time for all these problems.  Interesting that he knows this and yet still went through it.  I'm not sure what that means exactly.  I don't want anyone to think I don't realize there is some sort of mental/physical thing going on here...I do...I just don't think its ALL of it. As Stayed once said, there is a reason but its not an excuse and that is the difference in my book.

LettingGo, sorry you have had some negative experiences.  That is always the danger on a forum.  For me, it's been a positive.  But I know we can all take advice and read and learn but in the end we have to use our own filters.  I think the most beneficial thing here is to be understood and to know you aren't alone. 

Bon

[Wed2Him?Whatever.]

I foolishly tried to explain to my wife's best friend and she just told me to get a grip and divorce her (because 20 years ago SHE divorced the love of her life) stupid woman. This is my wife's best friend. I don't even want to speak to her again. I think she is also one who is telling my wife she can't go back.
You do find out who your real friends are.

True, very true.  I use this place as a way to say to my MLCer those things that would be catastrophic for our R, were I to say them directly to him.  Any friend I go to will listen for awhile then eventually tell me I can't put up with it.  They mean well but it doesn't help a person who's trying to choose their marriage over their hurt pride.  It's a choice I have to make daily (at times, moment by moment).  I either vent my anger here, or I must carry it.

[LettingGo]

This forum was a lifesaver for me, as much as it is for any newbie.... I believe it is for the "older" members to guide new ones to the resources here more than to offer their opinion... sometimes a newbie will ask for direct information or opinion from another member, like I did with Stayed.... I must have driven her crazy  trying to fill in the blanks and details of her story, specifically the flight to rejoin her husband as he was on his "closure weekend". I couldn't figure it out, LOL!!

I simply stated my PERSONAL dismay with what I PERSONALLY feel has been a negative, compared with the way the forum FELT in the beginning. There is a LOT of controlling "advice" going on in certain threads. I suggested the mentoring program as a way to gently direct the vibe of the forum back to what it was.

I would never reveal which members, but I've had a few PM's from some who tell me they feel PRESSURED by other members to do things a certain way, even though it goes against their gut instinct. These aren't members that I even know, by the way... so... it's not just me that has seen and felt it.

I don't believe I've ever discouraged anyone from posting here...

[WarriorPriestess]

Any friend I go to will listen for awhile then eventually tell me I can't put up with it.  They mean well but it doesn't help a person who's trying to choose their marriage over their hurt pride.  It's a choice I have to make daily (at times, moment by moment). 

I agree Wed2Him.  I have had the same experiences in real life.  Or the old "Oh, I don't know HOW you do it.  I could NEVER do what you're doing!"  Um...I'm not asking you to, and way to go on that passive aggressive judgement on my choices.

That being said, I also come to this forum for support in my stand.  I do not expect to have my stand questioned here as well, and I find it a bit offensive when people do.  Well meaning intentions or not, I thought the point of this board was to support LBS standers?  But overall, people here have been wonderful.  I am amazed at how much I have grown to care for so many of you in so short of a time.

[LettingGo]

"Oh, I don't know HOW you do it.  I could NEVER do what you're doing!"  Um...I'm not asking you to, and way to go on that passive aggressive judgement on my choices.

SO TRUE!! This is one of my favorites..... my Mom seems truly puzzled..... she keeps asking me if I feel like I'm a nurturing person.... I get the hint, Mom.... you think I'm standing for my BAD BOY because I just feel sooooo sorry for him and can't abandon him no matter WHAT he does to me.... they don't get it AT all.

And as far as talking to your friends about it.... well.... don't even bother. They will be so sick of it.... even my MIL does NOT want to hear it!! She will ask how my husband is, but if I give her the tiniest detail about a positive, she cuts me off and changes the subject.... I realize it's TIRING and BORING to hear about MLC all day, especially when they just see another man leaving his wife for someone else.... happens all the time! BUT, it's almost as if they are uncomfortable in that way seeing a person on crutches or a wheelchair can make you feel uncomfortable....