[Mermaid]

I think to some extent you should go about your life with no expectations.
Then you can be pleasantly surprised when your expectations are exceeded.

I learnt this years ago, but it's good to be reminded.

When I met my H, I was living in London, where I had family, friends, well paid job with a car (and a car phone, even back in 1984) and every type of entertainment you could think of. I moved to an area of rural Southern Europe where H was working (but he had no family there), miles from anywhere, not even a supermarket or cinema around. I didn't speak the language, understand the culture, have a job, or have any company. My H was working 125 hours a week at that time, so he wasn't around much, and he was exausted when he was home. The nearest village was 6km away, and it took 2 hours to get to the city along the dusty roads. I didn't have any type of phone or a car, or much money. Needless to say, life was very difficult for me. The culture was so strange, so poor, and I was lonely and afraid. But I did adapt. It took a long time, but slowly I learnt the language, began to understand the culture with H's help, and retrained for another job.

Every little thing that happened to improve my situation was wonderful. I'm sure I could not have learnt this anywhere else. At first I appreciated the small things in life. The sun, the sight of oxen pulling ploughs, women singing in the fields, the coffee... Later, bigger changes came; when we got a phone, when I got my own little car, a job, friends, when a supermarket opened, when a gymnasium opened in the village. Everything was a victory for me.

This was because my expectations of life had changed. I learnt back then that happiness doesn't come from the outside, but from within ourselves. Of course, I could count on the undying love of H.  Anything extra was wonderful. Life has come full circle. I have a great job, a good life style, plenty of friends, 2 beautiful Ds. I can't count on H's undying love any more, but then I'm responsible for my own happiness, and anything else that comes will be wonderful.

[ForeverHopefulOne]

Mermaid, that was a beautiful story.  Thank you for sharing it.  If I had half of that insight, I would be in pretty good shape.

xoxoxo

[MarkedandHealed]

Very beautiful story Mermaid. Are you ESL? I didn't realize.

Thanks for sharing.

[Courageous wife]

Wondeful thread!!!  Thanks for starting it T&L

[Mermaid]

Thank you for reading.

T&H, I'm TEFL, not ESL.

[Flowerpower]

yes, wonderful thread, T&L. and great stories n insights!! just what we all need sometimes!

[Trustandlove]

quote from OP on 24 July 2010:

He is processing when he drops out of view.
That is part of the depression,
You feel like it is your fault because you are not detached enough.
Keep working on that.
It is not something that comes easily.
It is NOT your fault it is all within him,
He needs to sort things out.
The spewing and yelling is so that the depressed person can gather some energy.
It is their way to come out of their shell, they think that it is helping them but it is not.
Detaching takes the focus off of you.
It takes away some of their ability to project their depression onto you.
If they don't get that energy or fuel then they are more likely to look within to find out why they are withing pain.

[Mermaid]

Whenever I get down or discouraged I go back over the last couple of months and recall/write all the positive things that have happened, the things that individually give me hope.  When considered all together they can turn a "down" day right around into a "good" day. 

This is excellent, MHL.  It is also what CBT therapists recommend -- writing down 3 things that went well every day, and why they went well.  It can really turn around your thinking. 

[agape]

Mermaid,

The village you described above reminds me of a village I was born and grew up then left to go to school, promissing that one day I will come back. And now I think more often I would really like to go back to the village again and stay there and appreciate life as is and not all this destructive life we are living here in the supposedly "sophisticated" and "advanced" culture.

Who are we kidding. Are you still there or you moved back to England? I lived in England for a while and now since this is my third country I think England is very mysterious and very prim and proper and very cultured. Yes, I do miss England as well.
Thanks for sharing this interesting story. It may even bring tears to my eyes.

[redeemed44]

I can't remember where I read this one:

We need to live our lives as if our MLCer was never coming back.

Wow,this one is a hard one...I mean I stand because that's what the Lord has called me to do...at times I don't want to & it's a constant battle to not give up...so how do you detach like that without losing hope and not moving on with someone else when your called to stand...not sure if I express myself good enough or not...I guess I think why am I standing if he's never coming back...kinda pointless...any insight or help to do this without giving up would be great.