[hopingfourbetter]

I want to discuss MLC and it's relation to transition in life by man or woman or both. My own experience is that my wife was peri meno before breast cancer and then surgical meno pause. This was the time that we started having problems in late 2007, by this time we have been together for 23 years.

 I am thinking ( this thought came to me as I was reading Mamma Bears thread this am) how many of us are going through peri menopause or menopause. Is this a huge trigger for MLC. I am asking this because I can say that in the last four years I could have just up and walked away from from the throughs of what is going on and my wife could be here writing about me and her horror story, Instead I am here writing about her. We are together still and trying to put our lives back together.

  If my wife is any indication, women definitely become a lot stronger willed and less forgiving at this time in there life. How this is handled by the spouses who knows. I know this is a very difficult adjustment for both spouses and I can see how some spouses might run. Man or woman

  I know a lot more could be added to this, I am curious what your thoughts are.  Hfb

[Synicca]

This is my understanding or how I view MLC...

It IS a hormonal time..for women going through menopause, Men going through Andropause...the hormones go haywire and the person going through it doesn't have any coping skills...bad childhood, etc. That causes it to go into a crisis.

ok, I don't think I am explaining it well...lol

when a person hits hormonal changes it cause a chemical and hormonal imbalance in the body and brain. but because the person has no coping skills, they are unable to function normally. Dealing with un resolved issues and such.

When a person has better coping skills and face their troubles well, it doesn't go into crisis mode.

Hope that makes sense?? That's my take on it anyway.

[hopingfourbetter]

I like your take on it.

[justasking]

The catalyst for MLC is issues from their childhood that need addressing as they go into the second half of their lives. The start of MLC in midlife has many triggers.

You are right to suppose because a lot of the age group are in their 40's and 50's that there are fluctuating hormones as well. But this doesn't cause MLC it's just an added complication.

All of us go through a transition of some description at midlife, just like we have other transition points in our life i.e adolescents, marriage etc. Most of us never hit crisis as we don't have the issues from childhood that need sorting out.

[StandandDeliver]

The hormonal changes that affect women in menopause include a reduction in the nurturing hormones necessary to bond and raise young from infancy:

I think this webside explains it quite well:

During the reproductive years, the female hormones "condition" women's brains to be more willing to compromise, to build a safe home for children and/or other family members, and to get and maintain support systems. This need to nurture and care for others turns women's energies away from their own needs, present and past hurts, or abuses. During the transition into menopause, the nurturing effects of these hormones change.

With this change in hormones, women feel freer to choose where they will focus their energies, what or whom they chose to believe in, and what direction they will take with their lives. The change also bring back past issues and emotions that have not been dealt with. For many women, the main emotion they feel is anger. Women often do not say they are angry. They'll use words like annoyed or irritated, or become depressed or cry easily or more often. Whatever name a woman gives the emotion, she expresses it with a clarity that has not been possible since before puberty. What is upsetting to many women is that by the time most of them enter menopause, they have spent most of their lives caring for others rather than themselves.

http://www.healthlinkalberta.ca/Topic.asp?GUID=%7B1BB1F61E-9331-4E10-B53F-AC12033A348F%7D

Women become more strong willed and less forgiving (maybe more like men?) after menopause because they have undergone a dramatic physical and mental change in menopause. Many women suddenly feel, for the first time in their lives, that it is finally time to consider themselves first and are keen to "reduce" their caretaking role. This is not necessarily a sign of crisis - it is often a normal response to the hormonal changes that they are experiencing

[MLCwife]

And men are the exact opposite of this, becoming less driven and more emotional.

This all goes to the direction that the hormones for each gender are trending.

Women - less estrogen more testosterone

Men - less testosterone more estrogen

during this time period.

[BonBon]

HFB,
An interesting thread!

I can tell you from my own experience that peri menopause was hard, but, no harder than menstruation for me...my hormones have always dipped and darted and caused me to get snippy or sad...in waves.  Hormones are very powerful indeed but of course the effect is different in each person.

One thing I will say is that before I turned 40, and then again recently when I turned 50, every woman who was older than me advised me not to dread these ages but instead, welcome them because with each decade, they felt more at peace with themselves on the one hand...and more strong on the other hand. 

I don't think this is an exclusive result of hormone changes...but I can only speak for myself.  In some ways, I am experiencing exactly what these other women told me I would..I have more confidence in myself, I LIKE myself more....I don't care what other people think of me nearly as much.  And that alone is a relief.

There is something that comes with age, and maybe it is the testosterone thing or maybe its just maturation and reflection but I'm not afraid of people the way I used to be.  And I'm not afraid to say for example that I don't like rap music or Brad Pitt or whatever else is on trend...I don't fear that makes me look old...I just don't care.

As for forgivness, I believe I have actually learned to do that more and better having lived as an LBS....but I have a long way to go.

Good topic.
Bon

[Ez]

I think what we are discussing here is the age old debate of "Nature Vs Nurture".

Are we who we are due to our genetics and biological make up, which would include hormonal changes throughout life. 

Or are we a result of our environment that we were brought up in, this would account for the "issues in childhood".

Or are we in fact a combination of the above.

There have been times over the past few years when I have wanted more from life, have felt unfulfilled, have wanted to just run away.  I've questioned decisions I made if life.  But what made me stay and what made H run.

There are also plenty of people out there who have tough childhoods and have issues but they get through midlife without the crisis.

Thanks for the interesting discussion.

Ez xx

[hopingfourbetter]

I

There have been times over the past few years when I have wanted more from life, have felt unfulfilled, have wanted to just run away.  I've questioned decisions I made if life.  But what made me stay and what made H run.

Thanks for the interesting discussion.

Ez xx

  I see a lot of women here on this site that are standing, really what makes these men leave compared to what seems like only a couple handfuls of women on this site leaving?
I will say I have been very close to leaving a couple of times because of the unhappiness and anger I would get from my wife. So would that have made me MLC? I did have a lot of the signs of an Mlcer, I spent money, took up a new hobby when we started falling apart, and I think I would have fit in with many of the H's on this site. I have made a lot of changes and hope that I do not fall back.

  My wife and I both made mistakes. My wife could be on this site and writing about me for all I know. My childhood was very poor My dad was a womanizer we had no money, if not for my aunts and uncles we would have had a miserable childhood. My wife came from a broken and abusive family and had to be the mother of her dad and brother at the age of 11, cooking, cleaning, and most of the things that the mother or wife did in that day and age.


 

[Ez]

hopingfourbetter - that was exactly the point I was making.  I think most people go through some sort of midlife changes but why do some get through and some turn into crisis mode.  And like I said there are plenty who have rough childhoods etc and don't end up in full blown crisis.  Glad to hear you made it through but sorry your wife is going through it.

Ez xx