[Synicca]

I think it still goes back to lack of coping skills...

I had a rough childhood too...not horrible, but an alcoholic father, mental abuse, lack of affection from my mom.
but I am coping, I didn't turn to drugs, but my sister has. both my sisters are alcoholic's like my dad. but I don't drink.

My middle older sister is going through MLC right now...and my oldest sister has some MAJOR issues with sex and love.
both my sisters turn to other men for comfort, fear of being alone..etc.

now when I went through PPD, I had a PA...never would have done that before. I remember the fog...but it was very short lived, less then a year, I was 27. now at 41 almost 42...Peri menopausal..I am not having a MLC..but who knows? maybe I don't have any coping skills and Ill be whacked out in another 5 years...lol

[hopingfourbetter]

hopingfourbetter - that was exactly the point I was making.  I think most people go through some sort of midlife changes but why do some get through and some turn into crisis mode.  And like I said there are plenty who have rough childhoods etc and don't end up in full blown crisis.  Glad to hear you made it through but sorry your wife is going through it.

Ez xx

Ez,
  I would say that the stronger more dominant spouse through out the relationship has a very tough time making changes when the other spouse finally decides to stand up for them self, change is hard to do and we do not like to hear that we are wrong. My W is constantly bringing up the things that she says I have done over and over and over, of course I have told her if she wants to communicate with me please do not bring these things up, it is a guaranty I will go into shut down mode.

  What my wife is going through is hormonal for the most part and she is working on medicine changes. She started on a different medicine last Wednesday and I am seeing changes in her attitude, we have actually had almost normal conversation for the first time in about 3-4 months or longer.  Hfb

[WarriorPriestess]

My W is constantly bringing up the things that she says I have done over and over and over, of course I have told her if she wants to communicate with me please do not bring these things up, it is a guaranty I will go into shut down mode.

What would you consider as an alternative for your W instead of bringing up topics that you do not want to discuss?  I ask because I would bring up certain issues with my H pre-BD and he would also just SHUT DOWN.  It was the most frustrating thing.  If he would have just responded and answered me fully the first time, I wouldn't have kept bringing it up.  It seemed very passive aggressive to me, a refusal to even engage.  I'm hoping to find alternate methods to use that may work better- down the road.

[hopingfourbetter]

 These are topics that I have answered and accepted that I might have been wrong. She just seems stuck on all the wrong things that I did. I was never a bad man to her always faithful to  this date. The problems were part of her rewriting history the things were ok for 23 years then year 24 I do not know what happened. I will say if you want to talk do not talk with anger or a raised voice that shuts me down right away. Talk to your spouse as you would with anybody. When the voice gets raised all I hear is wawawawawawaawawawawa.    Hfb

[WarriorPriestess]

Thanks Hoping, that is helpful.  I have noticed that H responds much better when I stay calm when speaking.  He does not react well at all to anger or "upset" tones.  Have you seen the Al Turtle website?  It talks about some of these sorts of interactive dynamics.  I've learned quite a bit by reading through it:


http://www.alturtle.com/


Interesting though...this line in particular jumps out at me:

She just seems stuck on all the wrong things that I did.

I have heard this from my H as well.  Certain issues I find to be very important he seems to dismiss as "beside the point" or not relevant.  Hmm...  I'm wondering if this is another one of those male/female communication dynamics that I would just love to figure out...

[hopingfourbetter]

I will read some of the turtle counseling. It has what looks like some helpful hints, thanks

  Well if I did something that you did not like and I owned up to it I think that should be it, I do not want to have to own the same thing time and again. I will never forget the things I do wrong and have been called on it, now if I continue the mistake or do it again then let me have it.

[hobo1]

I have an MLC wife, and have researched this connection as well.

See CNN article below
http://articles.cnn.com/2007-01-10/health/peri.menopause_1_perimenopause-oxytocin-hormones?_s=PM:HEALTH

There is a booked called "The Female Brain' by Dr. Louann Brizendine which speaks to this.  I believe MLC is very much a combination of past emotional issues, and a change in the hormonal composition during perimenopause in women.

http://www.power-surge.com/php/forums/index.php?s=0c868f4c7d2168ed959413cfdfabaf56&showforum=22

Above is a link to a support site which discusses menopausal and perimenopausal symptoms.

I know that my W is going through this, but she refuses to admit it, and is pushing for divorce, which she will be getting in a month's time.  She blames her unhappiness on me, even though I know she is unhappy with herself.

Her parents were emotionally abusive, and she never developed skills to cope with her emotions.  It's a shame that she is destroying our family, where we have two young children who depend on us.