[xyzcf]

Every issue discussed, every minute of that mediation would cause you to go into fight and flight mode. This is really hard because you just want them to look at you with real eyes again..and they cannot.

  The Lord Hears the Cry of the Poor

(Verse 1)
I will bless the Lord at all times,
His praise ever in my mouth;
Let my soul glory in the Lord,
For He hears the cry of the poor.

(Refrain)
The Lord hears the cry of the poor;
Blessed be the Lord.
The Lord hears the cry of the poor;
Blessed be the Lord.

(Verse 2)
Let the lowly hear and be glad;
The Lord listens to their pleas;
And to hearts broken, God is near,
For He hears the cry of the poor.

(Verse 3)
We proclaim you greatness, O God;
Your praise ever in our mouth;
Ev'ry face brightened in your light;
For you hear the cry of the poor.
 

Try and get some rest. (((HUGS))))

[faithled]

Thank you XYZF and everyone else who replied.  I woke up with a really bad tension headache. H wrote e-mail that he felt overwhelmed too....too much talk about emotions, as we have had 3, 2 hour sessions to do that now, which has been huge, but enough.  H wrote e-mail to me today to say he felt same way, and then wrote, Care about you which he has written twice before. 
At the first session, I finally had a chance to tell him how much he hurt me 2 1/2 years ago, and he did apologize and I told him I forgave him.
He spent Chrismas Day with myself and the boys.  We are getting along, he looks depressed, never smiles, and is still with OW.
So, because I am 99% sure this is MLC.......here is my question to those with experience:  mediator wants H and I to commit to go for coffee and discuss how we want to move ahead with the boys.......they are pitted in here to where they grew up; friends are here, etc.  H wants to come over more.....not just when I am here....wants to come when I work eves and be here with the boys, help out with housework, etc.  Now, any other situation, my boundaries would say "no"....I do not want to let him have his cake and eat it too, but expecting the boys to go there for weekends, etc. with her and her 2 sons there.....I do not like it.   What should I allow, and what is best?

I am off to work, and will be meeting my H next Tues. to discuss, and then meet with mediator Thurs.......but we will both tell her we want to talk division of assets and $ etc, and care of the boys.....they are 15,17 and 19.



Thanks, and God Bless
Faithled

[Trustandlove]

Faithled,

My understanding about cake-eating is that it isn't necessarily cake-eating if they aren't trying to be your spouse.  In my case my H does come here, as the kids don't want to go to his, particularly not if OW is going to be around.  I allow it, as it is better for the kids.  I've also been told that they need to have some cake so that they see they like it.  But not sure if that applies here. 

[kikki]

Faithled - we have boys 14, 16 and 17.  I'm 24 mths post BD.
I have always let my H come here to see the boys.  He is more like the fourth teenager, and doesn't exactly parent.

The advice I received from RCR, because of all of this paving the way, it is time to stop allowing the lifestyle.
I am trying to go very dark on him now, but it isn't easy with the kids. 
My kids too don't like to go to his place, as he is now trying to foist the OW onto them.  They refuse.  It's a bit of a stalemate.

My H has always been clingy.  He is less so in the past few weeks, but then seems to panic and wants contact.

[Still]

Faithled,

First of all, prayers for you. I am sure this a such a difficult time for you. God is with you and knows every tear you cry.

Although my younger children are 11, I have always had nothing but an amicable situation with H and their schedules. They split their time between us pretty close to 50/50. I have always been accommodating towards H's scheduling needs and he has done the same. It has really decreased the tension between us. However, there is no OW in my situation (at least not one that has been revealed). If my kids were going to a home with H and OW, I think I would feel completely different.

Either way, it is whatever YOU feel comfortable with. Your boys are older and likely have their own opinions on the matter. What do they think?