[Trustandlove]

Hi, all

This is something I've been thinking about lately; re-reading RCR's coaching posts to me, thinking about what friendship with H, possibly soon exH, would be.

I was talking to another LBS and realised that when I read "you have to treat him like a friend, a good friend", or something similar, what I consider friendship and what she and others may mean are possibly two different things.

It's not that I have a different definition of friendship, but perhaps see that if I'm expected to be "friends", that I will then chat happily about his and OWs holidays, tell the kids it's all alright, go along to family events as the dowager, that kind of thing.

My definition is slightly different....  what the above is is pals, which I am not one of, by my choice.

I was reading the article on this topic, and saw that friendship can be "active" when for example a parent or sibling is seriously ill or dies....

We recently had a scare with MIL; she is still alive, but much worse.  When it was all very uncertain I told H specifically that I would help in any way I could, and asked how he was doing in himself.  I spoke reasonably regularly to him or his sister to keep abreast of developments, and sent him a text saying that I knew how difficult this was, particularly as it was so reminiscent of how his father died now 9 years ago.  I didn't just say I was "sorry" for this, I asked how he himself was doing/feeling/holding up, and didn't go into how I felt.   

Also, when we had scare number 2 just before Christmas I did go up with the children, listened to and helped SIL, etc.

As an aside, I do want to tell SIL that I will always be there if she needs something, and yes, if MIL needs something.  But I've set a boundary about going along to a family social event where H will bring OW. 

I would attend funeral if and when no matter if OW was going or not.  I don't regard that the same as a social event. 

But is "friendship" going along to family event if he brings OW, smiling and pretending it's all OK?    Not in my book, but am I wrong?

I do get the difference between being friendly and being friends.    A good LBS friend said that her definition was that:

"Friends look out for each other".  I like that.  Well, I thought I did that when we had the MIL scare; I also saw that he was upset when he came here to the house, and the kids and I all very suddenly gave him a hug. 

Now here's the reverse:  H has said that he wants me to be his friend, but when asked to say how a friendship would work it was very definitely "He does what he wants and I just put up with it".  It was a very casual definition. 

He's also more recently said that he would "always be there for me".  When I asked what that meant, he said that well, if something were to happen for one of my parents, he would drop everything to come stay with the kids if I had to go somewhere.  I said that wasn't being there. 

I know that he also regards "being there"as paying; he once said that being there for the kids meant never telling them that they couldn't go to their schools because there wasn't money.  No comment there.

This has been a bit rambling; anyone else have any thoughts?  I've been told, and see that it may be the case, that I will have to get to a friendship point with H.  From my side, if really needed help, was in the hospital, something happened to MIL or SIL or anything like that, I would be there right away, OW or no OW.  Otherwise, while there is now a serious OW, I think it is right that I stay out of the way.



Thoughts?  Not so much specifically on my sitch, but in general?
 

[unbroken]

Hi.
I have no intention of being my H's friend.  I have told him from the beginning that I am his wife, I will not be just his friend.  I will be friendly, but not a friend.  I will not be there if there is an OW in the picture.  Of course, if there's an OW, he really doesn't need me.
I believe I have been his friend through this.  When our M ends, I will have to walk away.  I think he believes that if we get D, that he will lose me forever.  It's likely true, although you never know.  If there was no OW and he came back, perhaps something could be revived.
If he ever NEEDED something and asked me for it, I'm sure I would be there for him. 
I have deliberately not asked him for anything.  I need to learn to find others to help me if I can't help myself.
Although others have been married much longer than I and have had much more of a R with their in-laws, he doesn't really NEED me to comfort him in rough times.  So I don't.  I maintained a separate R with my MIL while she was alive, though not super close.  I have let the R with my SIL wane, as she doesn't need me either.  There are no real hard feelings.  It just naturally went this way and I let it.  Perhaps it's a shame, but they came with the marriage.
I think early on in the process, it's important that your H can see you as his friend, but I think the R can be one like your best friend from high school who you never talk to anymore, just because life happened that way, but if you saw each other again it would be just like old times.
Do what feels natural...

[MLCwife]

I think by "friend", like someone you would meet on the street.

Nothing more.
If you were walking down the street and saw another person you might wave or ignore, but
you would not punch them in the face.

No extra ordinary effort

That is what it means to me.

[summer progress]

My H recently told me I am a very great and true friend to him (he was telling me something positive about me). I am there for him if he needs me. I told him that I would be there if he needed me from the start of this stuff. I do not feel that he balances that friendship. When we are together, we get along great and have a wonderful time. He sometimes opens up about his emotional stuff, and I listen, but he cannot deal with my emotions, and I have other friends who listen when I feel I need emotional support.

I do not contact my H, and leave all contact up to him. A friend is someone you can reach out to, and he is not there right now. A few months back, he told me to call him if I never needed anything, and I told him I could not do that because he may feel crowded by me calling him, and that I have other friends I can call. I did not say it in a mean way, but he understood and thanked me.

We can be friends, but while they are progressing and processing, the friendship is limited. By loving them unconditionally, and being there for them when needed, we are paving the way for a true friendship in the future.

Just my 2 cents...
Summer 

[JD]

There are various levels of friendship. 
Right now, my Prince Charming dwells in the outermost circle of freindship, that of  Acquaintance.
That's about as far as he can come right now, as he's destroyed the inherent trust I did have in him once.

There are about 4 basic levels, although some people have more.

Here are some links that discuss types of friendship.

http://ati.iblp.org/ati/supportlink/kb/questions/60/What+are+the+four+levels+of+friendship%3F

http://www.girlfriendcircles.com/blog/index.php/2011/09/what-types-of-friends-do-you-need/

HTH.

[Dontgiveup]

My ex-wife asked me about 6 months after the divorce was final if we could be friends.  I told her yes.  I think there are a few things to consider if they happen to ask the LBS this question.  First, I got the impression from my ex-wife that she was asking the question more to help herself with struggling with the guilt of her behavior than anything.  I was fine with that.  I think it reassured her that I was approachable. 

She was a Boomerang before she asked, and remained so afterward.  I don't think when they ask the question that it has any real significance to it.  I equate it similarly to a Touch and Go.  Perhaps it also allows the MLCer to see the level of acceptance and forgiveness from the LBS, but my ex-wife asked the question about a year after bomb drop, so again I think it was too early in the MLC process to have any real meaning to it.

[missybuddha]

when my h decided to tell me he no longer wanted to work on our m I made it clear that I couldn't at that time be friends (I didn't go into "friends don't do that") , that our mutual friend worked v v hard from the beginning of her sep from her h (not mlc ) to take care of their R. my h just said , casually it seemed to me that he no longer wished to work on the m but to continue living with me as separated.
I could not believe that a friend could treat another friend like that. I'm still raw but working on Non ViolentCommunication.  and compassion and boundaries.
and to be friends means to me that I condone what has happened. I don't. however in time things will change.

[crazyforhim]

I think the whole point of the MLCer asking if they could be your friend is a test.
I read somewhere that they say "I don't want to lose your friendship" which translates to "I don't want to lose our marriage"
but they don't see it that way till way down the path. Friendship to them is totally different as they truly don't want us to disappear from their lives.

[RivenIN2]

Funny but when the W was talking about divorce she kept telling me over and over that "I would not be loosing her from my life" that she would always be there. She felt it necessary to constantly reassure me that she would be in my life in some way. I think she was the one needing reassurance that I would not just write her out of my life forever if she went through with the D. Honestly every time she mentioned that she would be in my life were the times I wanted her to be GONE completely from my life and to take the pain she was causing me with her. They always seem to project their needs and wants on you and then either confront or console you for feeling that way, when in fact it is they that need consoling and reassurance.

[kikki]

They always seem to project their needs and wants on you and then either confront or console you for feeling that way, when in fact it is they that need consoling and reassurance.

Riven  - I agree completely.  As this is MLC after all - it's all about them, them and them!