[hobo1]

FH said - He was as he always has been the ostrich. If you don't address it maybe it will go away.

This exactly my XW.  I believe being avoidant and not addressing problem may be a common characteristic of many MLCers.

FH said 'what am I teaching them by staying with someone who says that they don't want me or love me? Do I want my girls to think that its OK, to be treated like this, the answer is HELL NO'

I absolutely agree.  It is important for all LBSers to be cognizant of this when they have children.  What you do now, will be interpreted as what they can do in the future.  This is how kids learn.

[RivenIN2]

FH said - He was as he always has been the ostrich. If you don't address it maybe it will go away.

This exactly my XW.  I believe being avoidant and not addressing problem may be a common characteristic of many MLCers.

FH said 'what am I teaching them by staying with someone who says that they don't want me or love me? Do I want my girls to think that its OK, to be treated like this, the answer is HELL NO'

I absolutely agree.  It is important for all LBSers to be cognizant of this when they have children.  What you do now, will be interpreted as what they can do in the future.  This is how kids learn.

I am not sure that this is always true, I mean by this line of reasoning none of us should be standing, we should all have left or kicked the spouse out at first BD. This is a confusing point for me. My kids are all older and understand what I am trying to accomplish but I can see younger kids being affected much more.


I am also at the point of giving up on her and letting go. I have finally reached a tentative point of detachment but the things I notice more and more are things that make me want to leave. Little things that when added up make my W a very unattractive person to live with. We are also living as room mates and it is killing me slowly. I keep thinking it is better to take the hit and hurt now and get away from the daily grind of being reminded that I cannot have a relationship with her. No matter what I feel inside I cannot reach out and touch her or ML to her. So why torture myself? Just confused right now......

[Finding Hope]

This is such an interesting thread.

OK, first I have always taught my daughters, 23 and 17 to never, ever stay with anyone that didn't treat them with the utmost respect. That if they weren't caring and compassionate, then pass them by. If they had a tendency to be selfish or self-centered that it was who they were.

They know that relationships are about compromising, there has to be a give and take but if that person is more willing to take then to give, pass them by. I didn't hold true to these things, I made the mistake of thinking that these things would change.

To be honest, in the beginning of a relationship, everyone puts their best foot forward, and when I started to see the selfishness, the lack of affection or emotion, I made excuses. I was in love, still am. Now, don't get my wrong, I did alot that I wasn't proud of, the OCD, the controlling. But I made amends. I learned to change these things, not because of him. These things that I didn't like about myself bothered me on a daily bases.

I owned what mistakes that I had made. I apologized for them (again for me not him). I made myself a better person. That's what love is suppose to be about isn't it? You whatever it takes to make things better, different. You don't make the same mistakes over and over again.

Now, my girls don't know about MLC, and to be honest, don't think that they would believe it anyways. I also have a son 35 for a previous marriage, and he cant understand how I could let myself be treated like I don't matter. I have explained to him about MLC, and now that its been so long, he says "mom at some point he needs to man up and decide what he wants". Are you willing to live like this for the rest of your life.

He has also talked to his sisters, and tells them you know this isn't how you should let someone treat you, right? I have always told my h that you lead by example. He has always had one set of rules for him and another for everyone else.

I don't want girls to think that's what IM doing. One set of rules for them and another for me. I've always tried to lead by example. What kind of example am I setting now.

Yes, on the one hand I hope that they see that their mom did what she had to do to save her marriage. That I showed them what commitment looks like, since apparently at this time their dad doesn't. That unconditional love does exist. I try to talk to them about these things, and honestly don't know if I get through or not. Most of the time, they just don't want to hear it.

So, i just keep what I think and feel to myself. I just don't want them to think that I have compromised my beliefs.

FH

[JAG]

FH,

I think what you wrote was great.  It was great because it really expressed what a lot of people must be juggling and thinking.  Where do we draw the line of do as I say and not as I do? Where is the grey area? What does compromise mean? I think every situation is different and I do think that older children make things even more complicated.  For now, I have the luxury of having two young children who will not remember this time period.  So, for now, I am able to make decisions based on what is in the best interest for their future.  Whatever my choice will be will be made by me with them in mind and with no input from them. If their dad decides he is completely out, I will be able to raise them with having a dad that loves them but not me....and it has been done time and time again. If he decides he wants the family and we work it out, they will be raised with a dad and never really knowing what went on....again....I have about a year left before their input and their memory kicks in.

I know this is a very trying time and that your daughters are old enough to understand what is going on but are not old enough to "get it" (if that makes any sense).  I have very firm morals, but when kids are involved I think our morals have to be re-visited for the sake of the kids and what is in the best interest of the kids.  If we were with an abusing husband and we had kids, we would walk away even if we did not believe in divorce (that is where mother's draw the line).  However, when it comes to infidelity, are we not a little more grey in our morals and what we will accept for the sake of the kids? Maybe? i don't know...just a thought...kids change you in many, many ways...more than we will ever know....

[hobo1]

Hmmmm, interesting comments.  When speaking of children, I suppose I am talking about the younger ones like mine, 8 and 10.

I do believe 'STANDING' and being a 'DOORMAT' are two different things.

I don't believe that LBSers should let the MLCer treat them like crap, especially in front of the children.

I suppose boundaries need to be set, and how far the line is drawn is subjective.  Perhaps that is why I am divorced.

[limitless]

Continuation of discussion topic.

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=2738.0