[Standing in Patience]

Look I understand that this topic is addressed in many of the individuals threads, but it would be helpful to go to an updated thread to share some ideas that really resonate with your children.

As an example:

* What do you tell your children (age appropriate discussions) when you suspect mlc?
* What do you share with the children when you mlcer has an "announced" OW/OM?
* Why does my mother or father live at a new apartment or why have they moved away?
* What boundaries have worked (I know each case is unique) when you decided to set them? How did you share this information with your children?
* How do you answer the question, does my father or mother love me?
* Why does mlc happen?
* When will it end? Will it end?
* Do I have to like the OW/OM? She or he seems nice?
* What do I tell my friends now that my father or mother doesn't leave at home? or share with schools/teachers?

Edit to add:
Here is the link to the previous thread on children and the MLCer-
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=494.0

[Moving Forward]

Oh goodness me this is a complete minefield in my experience.

Quite simply my approach has been:-

1. decide what kind of parent I wnated to be and strive to be that (becoming a single parent is hard)
2. set boundaries about behaviour, bedtimes and eating healthily!
3. apart from the very early days they did not see me crying
4. I did not discuss the divorce with the children
5. I did not trust my exH to tell our chidlren ANYTHING about our life together as it separated without my being there.
6. I told my chidlren I still loved their Dad but it was difficult for him to understand that right now
7. I behaved with calmness and respect towards my exH especially when my children were around
8. I was always HONEST with my kids (they have one parent who is incapable of telling the truth right now)
9. I discovered their primary love language and love them that way
10 we made new traditions


As far as the OW was concerned I pretty much told the children they were to behave politely and respectfully towards her as she was someone who was special to their Dad. My son asked 'what if I like her Mum?' - I replied 'that is absolutely fine son, you must have the relationship that you want with her.'

I cannot control the relationship my kids have with their Dad and his new wife - that would be wrong of me to even try but I chose to be the better option!

I am proactive with seeking out how they feel about various situations.

I have found alternative role models for my son and daughter - not just me!! Steve Biddulph's 'Raising Boys' book was very helpful in this regard.

I am proactive with regards to their Dad's birthday and Fathers Day - my 2 are only 13 and 10 so cannot save up and do presents etc for themselves.

I think ultimately I responded to situations rather to them and countered every action with the question 'what would I do if we were still a united family' and that kept me guided and true.

I wholeheartedly believe that my chidlren deserve the best relationship possible with their Dad and as their Mum it is down to be to facilitate that (however unpalatable that has been at times).

This is a minefield but with strength and focus you can limit the damage of the fallout of this.

P
x

[Mamma Bear]

 Standing in Patience and MF, I agree with MF except my sister whose H had a MLC in 2007-2009 with ow She told me and Ds 8 and 10 that he was depressed and trying to get happiness outside. She told us not to worry but to pray and forgive him bc he was temporarily a tad crazy. She told us it wasn't our fault and as time went on it would get worse and then better and then worse and then better. 
   Since I found this site my ds now 9 and 12 say things like " Ma, he's in the tunnel. He's confused. All he does with us is stare into space."    If I'd thought about it ahead of time I wouldn't have told them what my sister said. Now I'm glad she did. They are happy and well adjusted and luckily H hasn't asked for them to be around his ow since  last June.   He respects my one boundary. LOL!   Good luck. I would be a super mess if ow and my kids were baking cookies or trick or treating. Although Princess Bowser wouldn't need a costume. As she's  pretty scarey just au naturale!

[kikki]

I second MF's list too (nicely put  ) except we have three teenagers - they know the OW knew us as a family before, she sat at our dinner table and shared a meal with us (they have no memory of her - what an impression she made), they know that she slept in our house while she house sat when we had our last family holiday together

Given all of this - they have made that boundary very clear to their Dad themselves. They also have NOTHING to do with the OW.

[Standing in Patience]

What do you tell your children (age appropriate discussions) when you suspect mlc?
* What do you share with the children when you mlcer has an "announced" OW/OM?

H hasn't announced OW to children, but they all know. I told them plus they saw how devastated I was I learned of the affair. I am doing much better. I recognize OW is a band-aid and eventually will be cast aside or cast my h aside like she has done with MANY men before him. She one of those women who are mate predators, etc.

* Why does my mother or father live at a new apartment or why have they moved away?

I accepted that H needed his space long ago when he announced he was moving to West Coast. Of course, he keeps telling them he had to leave as if he was in mortal danger from me. But that is it - no more details from him to the children. The kids are now accustomed to his absence and have comparmentalized their feelings for him. They lash out now and then about him but don't want me to join in their "chorus" about him because they are trying to keep the few(er) good memories they have of him.

* What boundaries have worked (I know each case is unique) when you decided to set them? How did you share this information with your children?

No visiting with h while he has OW. H seems to accept this. He wants to "portray" to our children he is living alone.

* How do you answer the question, does my father or mother love me?

Yes, your father loves you but he is SOOOO mixed up right now and needs the time to figure out his priorities.

* Why does mlc happen?

Told children that mlc happens although they have never seen this much destruction to a family before.

* When will it end? Will it end?

I tell them I don't know.

* Do I have to like the OW/OM? She or he seems nice?

* What do I tell my friends now that my father or mother doesn't leave at home? or share with schools/teachers?

The school knows we are "separated" but not by my choice. Now the children see families as eventually "divorced more often than married".

Finally, my old h would never be the person who is "currently residing" in that body of his.