[Rollercoasterider]

I found these notes as I was cleaning old files.
These are notes, not an article and they may be 5-6 years old. They are compiled from some of the common questions and fears I was seeing on the boards.

MLCers Changes
Becoming one’s opposite
The more they change the more they will go thru the MLC and come out

Change Examples

• No longer uses his name but an abbreviation of his name.
• Carries a wallet, he never did before.
• Wears a leather coat now he never ever said or wanted one.
• Obsessed about death and dying.
• Obsessed with his health whereas before he was overweight and not very athletic.
• More actively involved with his biological family then with his own family, like his children.
• His biological family is very dysfunctional and toxic.

• If MLC is rooted in childhood, why is he so close to these people again?
• In MLC when they recognize their issues from childhood, do they change?
• Do they face the issues and find the answers for which they have been searching?
• Aren't they supposed to go thru their problems and face them to go thru the tunnel?
• Do they change the way they used to be?
• My MLCer has never really had any respect for women. It comes from his mom and how he was brought up by her, as well as his father having no respect at all for women, will he see this and change?
• Will he recognize that he is looking for someone to love him, whereas he really just needs to love himself? Is able to fix this it?
• The Therapist said that if he had a problem Pre-MLC (ex: respecting women), he will still have the problem when he wakes up. That he will need therapy for it.

Abandonment & Low Self-Esteem

• My MLCer has a really big problem about abandonment.
• His parents never allowed him to have feelings
• They laughed at him when he spoke about the issues he has been stuffing down for years. He doesn't remember this which is good.

[Tsunami]

Thank you RCR, more validation for all of us!

[BraveNewWorld]

• More actively involved with his biological family then with his own family, like his children.
• His biological family is very dysfunctional and toxic.

• If MLC is rooted in childhood, why is he so close to these people again?

These in particular ring very true for me. And this really, really affected me at one stage. She even told me that everything was better now in her family. What bothered me was that I'd been the shoulder to cry on when things were not so good, yet was now the person that was the problem. Here's another question - why must there always be a target to spurn?

I feel that I can explain so much of this in her dealing with the abuse from her father. The catalyst for changes when he died.

Surprises me to see this written down so clearly. And still makes me shake my head in this. I'm really sorry to say that I don't like her family anymore, and would have trouble forgiving them in this. I also know that if anything was to happen to my wife the whole sorry lot of them would be blaming me - yet I never even see my wife anymore.

bnw

[Dontgiveup]

• More actively involved with his biological family then with his own family, like his children.
• His biological family is very dysfunctional and toxic.

• If MLC is rooted in childhood, why is he so close to these people again?

Yes, these things are accurate in my situation as well.  I had lunch with my MLCer about a year ago.  She spent quite a bit of time telling me about what her siblings were doing trying to get their lives in order.

Not long after bomb drop, my MLCer told me she didn't know why her family struggled so much maintaining relationships.

[Trustandlove]

I've been thinking about this one; I can't really find any evidence of huge problems in his FOO, except perhaps in that problems weren't talked through, so he never learned how.  OK, I know that isn't a little thing, but still.  He grew up in a close nuclear family and always felt loved. 

He is now trying to be buddies with his BIL, with whom he never was particularly friendly; perhaps that's part of this?  But I get the feeling that it's "competition" -- i.e. he knows I've been close to SIL and her H; now he's trying to reclaim, for lack of a better word.... 

I could have a long, long list of change examples: 


dresses very differently; like trying to wear a new personality, including lots of things which he used to disparage

(the obsession with fitness was earlier in the crisis)

is now friends with people who he used to find a lot of fault with

wears his hair in a style that he used to have when he was 25

is full of bravado; used to be genuine

There's more; our close friends who have known us for ages just don't get how he could have changed so much, how all the thing that he used to value seem to have gone out the window. 

But the biggest change is the attitude; he always used to say that we'd never leave each other, that family was most important, and so on, and now says that he's putting himself first. 

[dollard]

some years prior to xh going off the deep end, xh tried taking the identity of men he knew and admired for one reason or another.
It used to freak me out and told him to stop.
The first one was Romanian.  He had a very distinct accent, with a very high voice.  XH mimicked him perfectly.  I never found this man attractive, and it used to turn me off. 
The second man was scottish.  XH was able to mimicked this one also to a tee.  accent and all.  He was refined and I liked him.  I did not like my xh pretending to be him, because it made xh look pathetic.
The last one was Ukranian, I knew this man well, because I was also friends with his wife.  My xh was able to adopt his identity.
I do not think my xh knows who he is, so he takes other peoples identity.

[Mitzpah]

What I like about this is:

MLCers Changes
Becoming one’s opposite
The more they change the more they will go thru the MLC and come out

Some of his changes:

He spends ages in Shopping Malls - he used to hate them
He is enthusiastic about moving into a small apartment - he always affirmed that he loved houses, we lived for the first two years of our married life in a small apartment, then we built a house...
He used to appreciate the fact that I enjoyed what he did, now OW doesn't like Japanese food, gets sick while sailing, therefore can't go sailing with him.
He used to express a certain impatience for the kids to grow up so that we could have more time and freedom doing things we liked - OW has two younger kids that always seem to tag along and he enjoys playing video games with her s13

So, in my mind he is changing a lot! I hope that really means he is getting thru... lol - no expectations, I know!

Just so strange

[Ready2Transform]

This is a fit for me, too.  My H had some serious family problems, and he immediately went there when he left in August.  He wanted their approval for everything all of a sudden, when for 20 years he'd rebelled (in many cases, rightfully so, in my opinion).  I became the enemy that they once had been, and they were happy to join in that attitude, which hurt a lot.  But I know it's not him.

Mine is definitely doing the "mimic" thing and opposite behaviors.  He was a real individual; now, he has become his grandfather - literally.  He often says, "It was good enough for my grandfather, so it's good enough for me."  I liked his grandpa, who passed away 18 years ago, but he also cheated on his wife and distanced himself from those around him - just like my husband's doing. 

His grandmother though, is one tough cookie, and is having none of this.  I haven't talked to her, because I haven't had to.  From what he's told me, I know she's standing too, and that the pressure he's getting from family not supporting the MLC is taking its toll.  So I stand, and am encouraged that this is a good sign!  Certainly, he wasn't this outward with it a year ago when he was in the throws of replay and I didn't realize it.

[With Hope]

Mine did a 180 on many things...
*overwaxing his eyebrows
*looking totally unprofessional and juvenile in his manner of dress
*total disregard for my well-being (or D2's for that matter as he does not currently pay child support)
*total amputation of family and friends from his life
*family man attitude (our friends and family used to refer to him as Clark Griswold...from the Vacation movies)
*apparently his taste in women has done a complete 180 into the opposite direction...went from thin, blond who looks young for her age to overweight, NON-blond, who looks OLD for her age and has no morals
*always cared about others and wanted to make them feel at home and comfortable around him...now he has alienated everyone who ever knew him
*loved reminiscing about the past and college and such...now has amputated or alienated everyone from his life who shared those experiences with him

Some of his already negative qualities have gotten WAY worse (these were things that were not out of control before)...
*spending on luxury life (bars, food, clothes, cars, furniture, apartment, etc.)
*was a tiny bit selfish...now it's all about him

I know I'm forgetting many things but these are what came to mind now.

[Still]

No longer uses his name but an abbreviation of his name.

This one struck me. My H has used his initial on emails for the last couple of years. He never used his initials in the previous 20+ that I have known him.