[Buggy31]

Do any of you feel that sometimes playing at the divorce thing may help them chill out?  My husband is very angry that I won't cooperate.  I know a big part of fear is the idea that your trapped.  Does it make sense to offer them what they want every once in awhile to diffuse the drama they create?  Even if I wanted a divorce, which somedays the idea doesn't sound too bad, it is not in my best interest right now.  I have been an at-home mom for 8 yrs, I will lose health benefits, my D8 would be devastated.  Yet my refusal to cooperate i.e. make it cheaper for him by settling things without lawyers makes him lash out with antics. 

[LettingGo]

Why should you agree to something you don't want? He can still get a divorce. It's not that hard anymore. Don't try and convince him of your point of view or go on and on about standing or not believing in divorce.

Just say you're not ready but you might be in the future... you need some space to try and clear your head. That oughta shut him up - the part about needing space! "I don't know, I'm just so confused right now.. I feel lost... I need time to think about it but I'm sure I'll get there eventually and I really appreciate your patience in this..."

IF you say something like this, you are not really denying him what he wants. You're just using the same script he uses.

I totally lied to my husband on three occasions when I said very clearly in response to how unhappy he was that "If you want a divorce, I will help you get one. I love you enough to let you go if that will make you happy." He just said, thank you, we'll see. I would NEVER help him get a divorce. If he threw what I said in my face I would have NO problem saying, SORRY,  I changed my mind. No explanation necessary.

[Buggy31]

Love those suggestions LG.  I've been trying to figure out how to word it without saying I would do it and without saying I won't do it.  I like the way you worded it.  Thanks.  I'll use it if I need to.
Buggy

[LettingGo]

The key is to appear NOT to resist... be vague. They are confused, changing their minds every second, forgetting tomorrow what they said today. You know this!

If you don't appear to be angry towards him, you have every right to be hesitant, unsure, confused, need time, etc. My 180 included being "softer" even though I am a very attractive, feminine girly-girl woman. He saw me as a b***-buster because I was opinionated (ya think?) and his WIFE. Bat your eyelashes a little.

[Buggy31]

 My 180 included being "softer" even though I am a very attractive, feminine girly-girl woman. He saw me as a b***-buster because I was opinionated (ya think?) and his WIFE. Bat your eyelashes a little.

I'm one of these too and boy does that send some boys running for the hills.  Were not looking for boys anymore though but men.  Men that love a little fire to back up that beauty. This was one of the things my husband loved about me and which currently annoys him.  He makes fun of all the things he used to respect in me and gets annoyed and mad when I look good.   I think I may have forgotten how to bat my eyelashes    Great stuff to work on for my next encounter with the alien.

[LettingGo]

Can I just say that my husband called me today to say he was stopping by to pick up some parts for a job and wondered where I was? I told him I had just had lunch with a friend. He started asking questions, you can imagine. I just laughed and answered them. I could tell he was irritated because my friend was male, but he knew he didn't have any right to question me since he has been having an ADULTEROUS RELATIONSHIP with a ho!

Anyway, I suggested I might meet him at home for the opportunity to see him, or I might not. I was planning on NOT going home just to tweak him a little - ha, ha!- but then realized I didn't clear the History from my computer this AM - uh, oh!- don't want him seeing my posts on this forum even though chances are slim he would think to check for anything, SO, I decided I would come home so I could clear the history.

We watched Mad Men together and were "intimate". Here's the point....He got up to do his work stuff in his office and I put on my clothes (sexy shoes, etc.) and got my purse and keys and went in and kissed him and said "gotta go... safe trip - can I have $25...be sure and let the dog out, please...see ya later!"

WOW!!! I was able to get a 180 in there after all and it was a good one! He took out the trash bins for tomorrow as I was leaving and I said, "thanks!". His reply was "I'm just taking care of my family."

1/2 hour later he calls me on my cell to tell me he let the dog out so I didn't need to come home any time soon if I didn't want to. Then, remarked that "boy, you just used me for sex and then got up and WENT!! Ha, ha..." I laughed with him about it and said I was glad to see him. "I love you" he says. I don't ever say it back, and it's tricky not to, I said "do ya?"

Then, he called me at home about 2 hours later and I laughed and asked if he was checking up on me... at first he said no, but then admitted, YES! We both laughed and talked about his drive to the job. I told him I was glad to see him today and said "sleep tight and sweet dreams". He said he was "in for the night at his hotel" and gave me big kiss over the phone.

Ok, this is the point of this long story. My husband is way handsome and has always been pursued by the women in his life including ME and OW. NOW, I am being pursued.

You can bring home the bacon, fry it up in the pan but you'd better NEVER let him forget he's a man....LOL!!

He will have to learn to pursue me in order to RESPECT and DESIRE me. I figured this out. THIS is what will turn my MLC toddler back into a man. I hope!

[Wed2Him?Whatever.]

Buggy, that sounds like my H.  He used to like that I would kick him in the butt when he needed it but now I've got to handle the big fella with kid gloves like he's only porcelain.

LG, I love love love the way you were able to handle your husband.  Reminds me of the movie "Boomerang" a little bit, when the Robin Givens character teaches Eddie Murphy's character a lesson.  My husband has started to tell me once again that he loves me and this is after months of him refusing to say it to me.  He still won't text it or say it on the phone, which is kinda odd, only in person now.  I say it back because at one point when he was in Monster he spewed that I "never" say it to him, so I don't know if he just said that being mean or meant it.  I'm trying to "correct" that mistake, if it was hurtful for him saying it more often than me.  Anyway way to go keeping that hubby of yours in pursuit!

[WarriorPriestess]

LG what a great story!  You go girl!

[kaffe diem]

Bat your eyelashes a little.

I always wondered if the above might work for me...   

[LettingGo]

Warrior and Kaffe..... don't know how you found this thread, but JUST FOR THE RECORD.... I see that incident happened over a year ago for me!! BD was only February of 2010, so we were only 5 months in... I had an opportunity to do a 180 and took it... it turned my husband's attention towards me and drove a wedge between him and OW. We went on a family vacay to Hawaii in August of 2010.. but it was TOO SOON and TOO RAW for us to  be together... we didn't know how and I got triggered A LOT!!

He had already broken up and made up with OW a hundred times.... but had already said he "saw us together in two years"... because we were NOT ready, when we got back from Hawaii he ran to OW, and she put the screws to him and he begged me to "let him go so he wouldn't regret not trying to make it work with OW for the rest of his life.."

I let him go and DETACHED.... I KNEW they were moving into an apartment together with her daughter.... I KNEW he was signing a year lease and getting all utilities in his name.... I KNEW this would last at least a year and would complicate his getting away from her when he finally wanted to..... I was right. So that allowed me to accept it with a heavy heart... I GALed through my tears....

They moved in together October of 2010.... by November, he was begging to come home, but unwilling to be transparent... it was more of "We are fighting and I have to get away from her until she behaves..." he never made it more than a few days and I was walking on eggshells.... he spent Christmas and New Years with her, but told me his "strategy" was to be with her over the holidays so that he would be SO MISERABLE, it would be easy to leave her and come home... ummmmm.... that didn't work out too well, LOL!!

I think he finally moved all of his stuff out of their place and HOME in June of this year... we went on a family vacay, she was still in the background... living in their apartment.... he was trying not to rock the boat allegedly hoping she would pay the utility bills and save up some money to get another apartment on her own.... we had a setback on our vacation..... he has gone to her several times since we got back.... says it's an addiction..... their lease was up and she moved into her own crappy place.... he came up with some stupid doozy of a lie about having to go to "Toronto" for the weekend to work, which was sort of the LAST lie he has bothered to try in order to spend the weekend with her...

I "released him from marital obligation to me" and only require he buckle down and see the kids every other weekend, NO EXCUSES!! If OW is demanding, too Frikkin' bad... he'd better be here for them.....

Currently, we have a bet.... I bet him $100 he could not make it home 4 weekends in a row.... 2 of those weekends are his weekends with the kids, so that only leave TWO that he's not obligated to be here.... then I "sweetened the pot" by telling him if he makes it home THIS weekend (number two of our bet) that he is allowed to sleep with me in the MB and make hot "post male revue" love to me all weekend long, LOL!! (I'm going to a bachelorette party, hahaha!)

I have a $100 bill stuck by magnet to the fridge as a reminder... I am giving him hell over it... he has told me to "get your hundred ready!" but we will see.... I'm not above trying ANYTHING, LOL!! He does seem to be motivated by the BETTING... he LOVES to bet all the time.... who knows, maybe it will work!

The point I'm making is, I am stronger than him. I got that way via trial by MLC fire.... it is attractive to him.... OW is an addiction, and he recognizes it.... he tells me now to "have faith.... I know we will be together and get through this!" 

The other point I'm making is.... look how long he has KNOWN he wanted ME instead of OW? This is not for the faint of heart.... they are working something out with the affair..... in my husband's case, I think it has to do with his Mother issues.... I do NOT know when he will be strong enough and ready to dump her for good.... but he has been "ready" for a looooooooong time, as you can see.

As long as there is movement, there is hope! With a Clinger, you can SEE a lot more than with any other type, but they are exhausting... They are attracted to CONFIDENCE!! It drives him CRAZY to hear my phone chime while he's here... little does he know it's just junk mail in my in box, LOL!! He is JEALOUS that I have friends... some of my friends are virtual, some are real, and some are made up, hahaha!!

When you find your OWN MOJO again, you will probably see movement from your MLCer.... when you move, they move. I'm working on FORGIVENESS right now.... for him AND for OW (yuck, but it must be done).

Just wanted to set the record straight, and as both of you are newer members, I knew you didn't know my story..... if I can do this, YOU can do it.... if that's what you want! LG