[OldPilot]

http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2012/feb/01/top-five-regrets-of-the-dying

Top five regrets of the dying

A nurse has recorded the most common regrets of the dying, and among the top ones is 'I wish I hadn't worked so hard'. What would your biggest regret be if this was your last day of life?

    Susie Steiner
    guardian.co.uk, Wednesday 1 February 2012 06.49 EST

The top five regrets of the dying
A palliative nurse has recorded the top five regrets of the dying. Photograph: Montgomery Martin/Alamy

There was no mention of more sex or bungee jumps. A palliative nurse who has counselled the dying in their last days has revealed the most common regrets we have at the end of our lives. And among the top, from men in particular, is 'I wish I hadn't worked so hard'.

Bronnie Ware is an Australian nurse who spent several years working in palliative care, caring for patients in the last 12 weeks of their lives. She recorded their dying epiphanies in a blog called Inspiration and Chai, which gathered so much attention that she put her observations into a book called The Top Five Regrets of the Dying.

Ware writes of the phenomenal clarity of vision that people gain at the end of their lives, and how we might learn from their wisdom. "When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently," she says, "common themes surfaced again and again."

Here are the top five regrets of the dying, as witnessed by Ware:

1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

"This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it."

2. I wish I hadn't worked so hard.

"This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children's youth and their partner's companionship. Women also spoke of this regret, but as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence."

3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.

"Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result."

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

"Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying."

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

"This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called 'comfort' of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content, when deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again."

What's your greatest regret so far, and what will you set out to achieve or change before you die?

[NoRegrets]

Uhhh....hate to say it, but that sounds like the MLC mantra, right?

I'm happy to say I have none of those regrets.

[hobo1]

I had the same thought that this sounds like MLC mantra, but maybe they have it right?
We should live to not regret, responsibly, but we shouldn't live for someone else's happiness.

I wouldn't want my ex to live solely for my happiness.  If she wants to be happy and live a life without regrets, perhaps I should encourage it.

I don't want a wife who is unhappy and feels like she is settling, if she knows her life would be so much better without me.

My ex has not changed her stance about being with me since last March and has pushed the divorce through.  I'm thinking she is in mlc and she will snap out of it but perhaps i am not the better option....  Maybe she just wants to live life without regrets, maybe we all should.

[In this for ME]

I'm hoping to not have #3 and #5. I don't have any of the other ones.
 I don't have any of #3 with anyone other than ExH. I seem to express my feelings just fine with everyone else...

[LoveMeMyself]

I once read something...........not sure where.........that if you have no regrets then you aren't really living.  I'm sure we all have the regrets of negative things we've done in our past........I know I certainly do.  The same article I'm referring to also said that having regrets of things we have done in the past, especially negative things is normal............but we should never regret things we wished we had done...........so, in other words, do the things you want to do (with in reason) so that you don't have the regrets of "wish I had of"..........not sure if this makes sense.......but I understand it.  Once I tried to tell my exH that he needs to let go of the negative regrets and live his life doing things he wants to do..........and don't have regrets of things he wished he had done.  He regrets the things he did to us..............but isn't ready or willing to "make things right".........this too he will regret one day.  You never know for sure unless you try. 

[NoRegrets]

I will say this, though.

The regrets of the MLC'er are largely, but not entirely, irrational.

It is totally true that nobody should live for another person's happiness.

But it is irrational to walk away from the family you made into the arms of an affair down, spending money as if the world will end tomorrow, and call that happiness.

So, while the Top 5 Regrets sound like the MLC mantra, it is because the MLCer is irrational that they believe their unhappiness comes externally as do the solutions to their happiness. Their complaints sound rational to an outsider and to the MLC'er him/herself, but to those who know the MLCer well, their complaints are nearly bizarre and are omens of disaster for the MLCer. If the MLCer were to operate in the rational world, there would be no crisis.

[TrustingMyHP]

I felt uncomfortable, too, reading this list.  All of these statements have come out of my H's mouth, in one form or another, over the past two years!

Each of us has to make moral choices, i.e. choices that affect the happiness, security, well-being of ourselves and others.  As humans we can't escape that.

We make choices compatible with what's going on in our lives at the time.  The reason some people stay in jobs they don't like, work hard, repress feelings, etc. is because they want what those choices give their lives at the time:  physical safety, the option of marrying and having children, the option to purchase things that enhance their life, money for their children to go to college, health insurance, security to buy a house, social access/prestige, the ability to travel, avoidance of the pain of conflict in relationships and on and on and on. To regret that we had to make those choices is to forget, it seems to me, that the choices were unavoidable.  Everything in life has a "price."  Limitation is part of being human.  It can't be avoided.   

As to work, I wonder if the regret is not in having worked too hard but in having not worked at what they wanted to do.  I know people, we all do, who are in love with their work and can't wait to get to it every day.  Two of my older siblings are very hard working college professors, one retired (who continues to find opportunities to teach and is still publishing) one still working, and they absolutely love what they do.  Their work, to them, is a kind of ministry.  I am certain they will not say on their death beds that they wished they hadn't worked so hard. 

The challenge, it seems to me, is not to "settle" for work that isn't deeply meaningful to oneself.  This is VERY DIFFICULT to do and most people are unwilling, incapable, or ignorant of how to do it. 

Many people allow themselves to fall into an occupation, or train for a profession (business, medicine, law, etc.) without really understanding what they're getting into and then feel "stuck," and are afraid to take the risk of changing jobs/careers/professions, etc.  Many people make the choice to stay in a particular geographic location which limits their work options.  To put it bluntly, living consciously requires work (doing research, taking risks, learning everything you can, thinking, meditating, praying, "checking in" with yourself)  And it must be done regularly (daily, monthly, yearly).  And it requires making choices.  Choice, for human beings, can't be avoided.  And all choices have consequences.

I wonder if what all these wishes are really expressing is:  I wish I hadn't been so fearful.  I wish I hadn't been so unconscious.  I wish I hadn't been so emotionally lazy.  I wish I had thought more about what I wanted.  I wish I had taken the time to figure out what was important to me.  I wish I had realized just how short life is. 

TMHP

[Rollercoasterider]

It's interesting that you all seem to have noticed the similarities to things MLCers say and feel. That is because...

1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
"This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it."
3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.
"Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result."
5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.
"This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called 'comfort' of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content, when deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again."

Those 3 are attributes of Accommodation. That's the phase of adulthood that is pre-midlife where so many of us are living the lives we have been told to live--or the lives we think others want us to be living.

[WarriorSprit]

guilty of 1 and 2. But I have changed that after going through this. I realize all the sacrifices I made for my w did no good at the end she did not even give me any credit for seeing she had everything she wanted. To me owning things is nice but not that big of a deal. The joy inside of me is what matters. I will no longer kill myself so someone else can own things. If they don't see me as the prize then they need to go on up the road.

[Phoenix]

For me, I regret (and am working on) not living each day in as much joy as I can. Worry about the future all too often keeps me from the happiness of the present and before I know it, another day has passed. If how we spend our days is how we spend our life, then I want to spend it other than in the MLC drama. I think of the quote by Ralph Waldo Emerson:   “We are always getting ready to live, but never living.” How often do we say, "When I have the time..." or "When I retire...." or "When I have more money..."  "When the kids are grown..." When this or that is done..." or "When my spouse comes out of the MLC tunnel, I can have my life back." But life is today, and yesterday and tomorrow and the next day. That is what I am regretting--that too much mind space has been taken up these past two years with things that do not serve my best interest or my happiness. I want to live rather then keep preparing to live.  I want to enjoy today not have it pass in a blurr of planning for tomorrow or the proverbial "someday." It is not easy within painful circumstances, but it is something I aspire to. 

I also smile at these quotes from Marjorie Pay Hinckley:

“I don't want to drive up to the pearly gates in a shiny sports car, wearing beautifully, tailored clothes, my hair expertly coiffed, and with long, perfectly manicured fingernails.   I want to drive up in a station wagon that has mud on the wheels from taking kids to camp.   I want to be there with a smudge of peanut butter on my shirt from making sandwiches for a sick neighbor's children.  I want to be there with a little dirt under my fingernails from helping to weed someone's garden.  I want to be there with children's sticky kisses on my cheeks and the tears of a friend on my shoulder.
I want to know I was really here and that I really lived.”

“Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming, “Woohoo! What a ride!” 

Wishing you all a life well and joyfully lived with few regrets...
Phoenix