[Sassyone]

Just watched this video in my quest for forgiveness of all parties involved in H's MLC.

Hope it helps someone.

http://www.ehow.com/video_4751748_wanting-forgive-other-woman.html

This was another good reminder.  Her topics are very spot on for us LBS'ers.

http://www.ehow.com/video_4751740_make-husband-want-again.html

Thought this would be a good topic of discussion.

Sassy

[NoRegrets]

Oh, HEEEEEEEEELL no.   

No, I will NOT forgive the woman who shot an arrow into the hearts of each one of my children. 

With all due respect to folks who feel that forgiveness is a path to peace, I am in a camp (maybe alone?) who disagrees.

I may in time learn to feel sorry for the pathetic loser that my H's OW is (and my H is, too) but I will NEVER forgive her for what she recklessly and selfishly did to my family. I don't need to do that to find peace. I will one day be less angry about what H and OW did to my family, but I will never dismiss nor forgive their actions. I will let go of thinking about it as much as I do one day, but I will always be vigilant with regard to needing to mitigate damage done to my children by OW and H.

I find peace in being a good person and not perpetrating evil against innocent people. For me, there is great peace in living according to my values, and in giving attention and love to people who deserve it--not in forgiving evil. That is my peace.

I don't believe in forgiveness without restitution. Marriage and parenting are sacred--and OW and H don't abide by the importance what was once H's role in OUR FAMILY. Given the fact that my children's souls are forever darkened by the actions of OW and H, restitution is not possible. There is no way to undo the damage she and he did, therefore, I will not forgive.

Again, if forgiveness is your path, more power to you. In no way do I want to insult you--in many ways I admire you. We all have to do what is right for ourselves. But I wanted to speak up for people who don't necessarily agree with forgiving OW/OM.

[Sassyone]

I think forgiveness is something that is defined differently by people.  For me forgiveness is not a free pass.  I choose to forgive (likely not telling her) but for me to move forward.

I totally get your take on it.  My sister refuses to forgive my H she thinks of it as giving him a pass.  I think differently.

I read this in Psychology today and I totally relate to it.

"Forgiving doesn't mean forgetting, nor does it mean that you've given the message that what someone did was okay. It just means that you've let go of the anger or guilt towards someone, or towards yourself. But that can be easier said than done. If forgiveness was easy, everyone would be doing it."

What do we get out out of life by not forgiving?

Thoughts?

Sassy

[Ready2Transform]

To me forgiveness is something you do for yourself.  I forgave my H one day after I found out about the OW so I could begin to heal, but not in an, "I forgive you, it's ok" kind of way.  His decisions changed everything, and my forgiveness was not about him (proven by the fact that he is yet to find it in himself to be able to accept the forgiveness.  Even my bringing it up causes him to either start crying or build a wall).  I forgave the people who abused me as a child, because I know I'm not their judge, but that forgiveness in no way changes what happened or how it affected me.  It's just a starting point to move on, but it doesn't change events or anyone's accountability in those events.

[iloveyoubut]

Loved those quick videos. Someone should have told her to sit up straight because it looked like she was lying flat in that huge chair. I have to say that I totally agree with her. I also think that forgiveness is for ME so I don't get eaten alive by anger and hatred. I tell my S16 and S18 that all the time...be careful how long you allow Dad's actions to eat you up because YOUR heart will grow hard and you are kind and loving boys...this is all Dad has right now....it doesn't make it right but empathy will help you heal. That is just my 2 cents...i think if i did not have my faith which grows stronger every day of this crisis that I would be eaten alive right now and going off the deep end.

[limitless]

I agree.  Forgiveness is for YOU.

It is not a free pass.  It does not say that what they did was right or okay.

It means that I have let go of the anger and resentment.  That I no longer carry that anger within myself - as it is like a cancer within me.

It is up to the MLCer (and the OW/OM - should she/he so choose) to forgive themselves. 

Does that mean that I would verbally say to the OW in my sitch that I forgive her?  No.  I have never spoken to her.  I have no intention to speak to her.  I do not even know if she knows that I was aware of her involvement with my H.

Does that mean I would verbally say to my MLCer that I forgive him?  I hope that someday I would be able to say this.  But, that is up to him.....and me.

L

[Dontgiveup]

The link to RCR's article on forgiveness.

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/self-focus_unconditionals_forgiveness.html

[NoRegrets]

I will not pardon, excuse, absolve, condone, nor relieve.

But I will let go of my anger, because anger is a hot and tense emotion that--you're right--will eat at ME. 

And I will grow stronger by letting go of anger. I think anger comes from confusion and feeling like one has no control over their own life, or from feeling vulnerable. And my goal is to feel none of those things.

My goal is to feel in command of my emotions, and what an exercise this has been! This is not one of my best character traits--the ability to ACT and SPEAK from rationality. I do tend to be very emotionally driven, and I'm not proud of that. But I'm learning to excuse myself, regroup, think before talking/acting, to talk/act from a point of strength. Anger and hatred (and shame and fear) can be intense, but not strengthening. And this situation has afforded me the opportunity to get hold of myself and exercise discipline instead of reacting. I can be proud of that, though it's a work in progress.

So, if your point is to let go of anger, but not for anyone else's sake, and to still hold MLC'er and OW/OM accountable for their actions but be able to move onward, then I understand your motivation.

I may not feel anger toward OW and H some day, but I will never like either of them and I will never feel any motivation to help them or give anything to them, including my valuable time. There will always be better things in life to do, more important people to spend time with.  These are not admirable people. I do not even wish them well, for they have hurt people, and they'll need more than my well wishes or prayers to reform themselves if they are so inclined.

[Sideways]

I agree that forgiveness is for you.  I think it is an action and releases a person from the burden of carrying those emotions anger, blame etc.  I wouldn't tell OW that... I don't think I  have to.  I can carry the action within myself.  I think that is where it matters.  She will have to seek her own forgiveness for her actions. Not up to me to relieve it.

And my H will also have to seek forgiveness for himself. I will do my best to forgive him and in time I am sure I could.
-S

[Gallagher]

I agree that forgiving is more for me then H. I don't know how you could stay in the relationship if you did not choose to forgive.  And I also feel like the forgiveness comes in stages.  I have not completely forgiven my H yet.   I don't think our boys have either.

It is a huge task.  He has altered my life and my boys lives.  It is hard to believe that he ever let himself get involved with the Wangster (MOW) but thats where I have to believe in MLC being a force he could not control.  I can forgive him more easily because I believe he was totally messed up.  I know the person he was. 

As for the Wangster--she will awaken someday.  I have released her, but I don't like her.