[superdog]

I wanted to start a discussion about what LBS's have discovered/leanred about their relationships as they were before. It's also about about how far we've come and grown in ourselves too.

I have been in a relationship with a fully fledged passive aggressive and I 100% recognise all the behaviours of one and can recall countless examples of where those "tactics" have been deployed on me over the years. Even more so in MLC.

I had the opportunity today to put my own "new" responses into practice, BUT, also saw that the MLC journey of recognition and change has nowhere taken place.

H had a day out he was invited to with guys from work. He clearly wanted to go, but was trying to deflect making any disagreeable decision without making ME responsible for it. Classic PA behaviour. He proceeded to make a huge deal of how disagreeable it would be to ME for him to go out drinking given the circumstances here and how that meant he couldn't possible go. I would give him grief when he came back etc etc.
I quite genuinely told him that it made no difference to me whether he was in or out. Then what "oh yeah you don't give a damn whether I'm in or out". Crafty maneouver from the master manipulator that is the PA man.

My answer was that he is very clever, but I can't be made responsible for his decisions nor made to feel accountable for any he unfairly made me take on his behalf. I won't do that anymore. Also that he make up his mind as to whether her wants me to care that's he's out or not. Which is it to be?

You see I have very much worked out that he has been doing this from day 1, then resenting me if I inadvertently took the wrong one from what he really wanted. Which of course he would never say what he wanted in the first place. He was duly informed that it was unfair and i'm not his mother.

In the past I would have accepted those feeling of guilt or responsibility as my own, but NO more.

Detachment is a huge huge learning stance for us too and it is not a place to be viewed with negativity. Even if we do/don't continue to stand we've taken enough of a step back to be able to see properly. I never had myself down as someone who could be so easily manipulated, but clearly I was through my own issues which were previously unresolved.

It's a liberating place to be and definitely where MLC is to be appreciated as a positive for us LBS's.

I was interested to hear what others have recognised as their own unhealthy relationship dynamics before.

SD
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