[Thundarr]

Are you kidding me?  Psychology Today has long been noted as being a bit, let's say, pop and not exactly about real psychological research.  But, still, I feel they have a responsibility to uphold some type of moral barometer.  Puhleeze!

http://www.foxnews.com/imag/Love/4+Types+of+Infidelity+That+Can+Save+Your+Marriage

[Mamma Bear]

 No Thundarr, They're right..My D9 always reminds me of something I had read back right after BD. It said "The MLCer HAD to leave so he could fix himself and COME BACK" he couldn't come back better if he didn't GO!
 I agree. As tumultuous as this whole ordeal has been on me and the family something had to give. It was unbearable around him.
 Even only 6 mos post BD my H said "I see you're changes. If I didn't leave you wouldn't have changed.Those changes are good for....you and the Ds" 
 I said "No Sabotage Sam, They'r good for US as well" 
 I couldn't see what was wrong until he was all ready living with Bowser. Now I see what he was going through (and still is)
 It wasn't an overnight meltdown and it won''t be an overnight fix. But as far as that article I thought they were just saying as a positive "If this happens it's not always a BAD thing" 

[Gallagher]

Makes me sick. And what about Ashley Madison?  The web site for married people to hook up with other married people.  Their slogan is "Life is Short, Have an Affair".  Nice. We will have to instill some strong morals in our children. 

http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/41583762/ns/today-today_news/t/cheating-inc/#.T5xhG81HCaI

[Thundarr]

Mamma,

With that attitude you simply cannot fail!!  You've always impressed me, but being able to see the bright side of what's going on now simply astounds me.  I wish I could be so positive about my W and the D that's getting ready to happen, but sadly I see no positives and only sorrow and suffering.  You're truly one of a kind, my friend.  Don't stop being that wonderful person no matter what.

Gallagher, the Ashlay Madison site always sickened me.  I had to research it for one of my classes awhile back and could not believe the such a thing even existed, but when you put things into perspective I guess there's much worse things on the net than consenting adults falling into temptation.  I can understand separating and having to leave and get space, but looking for sex outside the marriage willingly is just selfish and disrespectful to the person you are committed to no matter how you slice it.  Been there, done that and I will freely admit I regret it to this day and will the rest of my life.

[NoRegrets]

This was interesting to me, because it's just the opposite of MLC:

"Biderman doesn't agree, but beyond that he makes the case that no marriage is defined entirely by sex. 'I have two children, I have a wonderful extended family, I have deep economic ties,' he says. 'If I woke up and found my partner wasn't interested in being with me sexually and I tried to do everything I could but sex was now off her radar...Well, sex is important in my marriage — it is — but it's not No. 1 and it's not No. 2. So I would stray before I would just leave, because maybe that would give me enough of what I need to stay within my marriage to do all the other things that are critical to me.'"

In spite of what my MLC'er said, this is NOT between him and me, it's about him straying from all aspects of family life, and making no attempt to get back in. It wasn't about sex.

[LettingGo]

My best friend's therapist said "Most people have affairs TO HELP THEM STAY IN THE MARRIAGE".... now, that doesn't mean the affair makes the marriage BETTER... perhaps, like my friend, you have 30 years invested and your husband has emotionally "checked out" and refuse counseling, etc..... sticks his fingers in his ears and goes "lalalalalalal"... I happen to believe he is DEPRESSED, in fact, he is on meds for DEPRESSION..... many, many FOO issues.... but I digress. My friend does NOT want a divorce for a multitude of reasons, mostly comfort and financial... they have built a life together, but he is UNAVAILABLE to spend time with her as a companion. SOOOOO, she has a "boyfriend" of many years... a man who ALSO doesn't want to end his marriage, but who apparently finds some other level of companionship with my friend... I've met him... he's a nice guy.... they have things in common... BUT, neither would EVER jeapordize each other's marriages.... he is her confidant, but not waiting in the wings if she chooses to divorce her husband...

Only sharing HER story to illustrate that affairs can take many shapes, for many different, and complicated "reasons". Now, from My point of view, NO affair is a good affair... simply because it prohibits ANY chance for the MARRIAGE dynamic to change!!! AND, because, even though the third party out might not know, it is STILL disrespectful and HARFUL to them... even if they don't KNOW about it!!! Someone who is being cheated on can see things from a completely different perspective than the person who is just trying to fill in the gaps of their lives the best they know how.... cheaters do NOT see through any perspective but their own.

That being said, the MLC affair is an animal all it's own and cannot be compared with all other sorts of affairs... my opinion. The MLC affair is typically an escape from REAL LIFE, from FEAR, from EXPECTATIONS, but will survive exposure.... it often is a dumping ground for FOO issues and a place to work them out with a BPD partner... my two cents worth. Don't read so much...