[Stillpraying]

Yep.  I had that very statement. "You don't meet my needs".  I also had "I don't think I love you" so I asked H what love is and he replied that he din't know!  So I replied, "Well, how can you say you don't love me if you don't even know what love is?"
Confusion all the way!

[JAG]

The idea of not meeting their needs is very interesting.  When my H stated he wanted out he said that I had done nothing wrong.  It was all he who had changed and he no longer wanted this (family, routine, etc).  So, I have to ask...is it that the OW is meeting their needs right at this moment? For example, my H told me that he was not in-love with OW but that he had to continue the relationship because she was "useful" to him right now.  When I heard that I knew that he ment that he needed to travel and be free and she was okay with being his traveling buddy...does that make sense? She is fulfilling that need of his now? At the same time there are moments where I see that this is simply what he has chosen and that is that....not the OW over me...but what the OW represents over what I represent...

[Poppy]

 Jag,

I had that speech too, "its not you, its me"...."you did nothing wrong" ...."you have been a perfect wife" "a wonderful mum" ....bla bla. Followed by .....But its not enough! Ugh!

IMO, I think the OW is meeting their needs for NOW, for this moment. OW will go to the ends of the earth with our H, not pass judgement, make them feel good about themselves, because they themselves are needy.

I think perhaps further along their journey, the mlcer finds another "need" or "void" that needs filling, as the previously filled need doesn't make them feel any better! Does that make sense??

What I'm trying to say is.....its like a vicious circle, " fill the need" they feel better for a while, then feel cr*p again, fill another need, still feel cr*p on and on and on. It's an empty void that cannot be filled!

They will only feel better if they look at themselves, what's wrong is inside them. Ugh I dont know if that made any sense either, maybe someone more experienced can explain it better.


In short, I think they are looking for something that doesn't exist, its only when they have tried everything they "think" they need or want, wrecked their marriage, lost their kids, caused massive damage that they look at themselves! Or if they are truly up their own @ss they stay STUCK! That'll be my H STUCK in a tunnel.....forever! Lol.....not funny I know!


Hugs xx

[JAG]

Poppy,

I get what you are saying.  I too feel as though my H will be "stuck" forever.  I say that not because he has been in MLC for a long time (because he has not) but because of his personality.  I believe that he would continue forever feeling this way simply because he does not believe in psychologists and believes depression is for the weak....even when a doctor told him to take some meds for his anxiety..he bought them...never used them....if that isn't saying something...I don't know what is....as an aside...he is still wearing his wedding ring...what the heck!

[Poppy]

Jag,

It would appear we are married to the "same" man, lol my H says exactly the same rubbish, thinks depression is what "weak minded" folk suffer from! 


Oh my H ditched the wedding ring straight after the BD speech, within two mins that ring was off his finger, if that wasn't bad enough, he then went upstairs into our room, gathered up all the "little luv notes", special cards etc, I had given him over the past 20yrs, threw them on the bed and screamed at me to SHRED them! Tut! I didn't by the way, they're tucked away in a draw.


Hugs xx

[With Gods Help!]

Hi Poppy and Jag.......i agree with what your both saying.........my h is with o/w because she will accept or should i say tolerate the replay behavior............my h knows that the partying, spending adultery etc is not something i would tolerate.....h knows o/w will allow him his freedom even if it means walking all over her because shes desperate to keep him.......my h does not respect her that's why hes there.........you after give respect to earn it.......and deep down these men know a respectable woman would not enable a man to destroy his family........they go looking for the woman that will fulfill their need to complete replay.......xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx   

[JAG]

Poppy,

the ring is on yet the pressuring me to go get all the kids' and my stuff is on! He can't wait to get us the hell out of the apartment...he has no problem coming to visit the kids at my parents home, but he does have a problem with going to our apartment and seeing the stuff there....he has yet to take down our pictures....I swear...I don't get it at times...I get it....but I don't.  i see him and I just want to hug his pain away....I know that is stupid (especially after all he has done) but that is me and my personality.  I guess it is the reaction of one human being to another....I want to help him, I can't, and that hurts (especially since it is my profession to help people...or rather...help people help themselves...which in this case I can't even do that!).

[Poppy]

WGH,

Exactly!  You got that right my friend.

OW is a means to an end, thats all. That's why my H isn't bothered what she looks like (minger) as long as he's got someone to PLAY with! I certainly wouldn't tolerate the spending that's for sure, my H ran up debts of £50,000, he's now got an IVA (debt plan) , put our home at risk etc. OW isn't bothered, its not her home, its not her debt, they don't want to get involved with the "dirty" side of the affair, just the "fun" bits.

Any normal person would question our H behavior, they won't do that because it will burst their "FANTASY BUBBLE", reality is not a place they want to visit.

My H OW has a tiger by the tail, she just doesn't know it yet!


Hugs xx

[Poppy]

Jag,

They're confused

My H left but not before taking one of our wedding photographs with him!

Why did he want that? I don't know, doubt he did either but he took it with him to OW house!

Now that my friend is WEIRD!


Hugs xx

[Stillpraying]

Hi Poppy, JAG and WGH,
I was reading this link I save again and it just reassures me of the external forces of this mess and that I am not simp0ly a bad wife, woman and mother.
Hope it gives you some encouragement too:
http://www.thirdage.com/relationships-love/why-men-leave-what-every-woman-and-man-needs-to-know

Hugs,
SP