[RivenIN2]

RivenIn2

May be it would be educational to hear of your thought process as MLCer.

Dr.NO

Well sure I would be glad to answer any questions.


I would not really know what to talk about otherwise. MLC for me was a living hell that was punctuated by the height of selfishness. I felt like a child at times, I could not formulate my thoughts into cohesive sentences to speak to my wife. If something about her bothered me it become huge in my mind and at least to me so sensitive that to talk about it with her would be downright impossible.
I kept secrets because it felt like "They were mine" all mine and I did not have to share them with anyone.

[brokenhearted]

Doc Hudson, I read your question to R2D2, on why, as an unmarried woman with no kids, she was putting up with her man's behavior.  As another unmarried woman who is standing for her partner (as are other unmarried partners on this site), I believe the reason is similar for all of us. It is because we know who are partners were, we recognize the 180 change in them as not being normal, and we, like even one else here, pray that someday they will emerge from their  tunnel and remember who we were and what we had together  (though I also know, no expectations!)
I had been with my partner for 16 years, when the man I considered my hero, changed into someone unrecognizable.  The change was so drastic that I called his doctor concerned that my partner was in a major depressive episode. Now he is deep in replay and in love with his soulmate, who conveniently was a former student of his and lived around the corner from him all these years!  Normal? No. MLC like, yes. I stand because I know who he was and don't believe our life, though not married was a complete lie, though like times I do question my memories after listening to him rewrite history for so long.
Just wanted to speak up for R2D2 and the rest of the unmarried here. 
And, nice to meet you Doc, always read your posts.

[Niek]

Same thing. My H told everybody that we had grown apart. He even told this story to me and the kids. BD: My H told me he had to live apart from us for a while. I didn't understand why but he wanted to think about our R. () When in his new apartment he start R with OW. In his opinion this was not adultery and he did nothing wrong. But although suspecting something going on like this, we didn't know anything. After one month he disappeared completely and when he came back after a week he told me he had been on a vacation with his new girlfriend. He was manic x 100!!! Wants to tell me everything about her. He never talked to OW before. He met her in a pub, talked to her only once and then immediately decided to leave us. He even jelled at me: 'Look what you have done, I am with a complete stranger now.'
And she is a major affair down in every aspect.

[kikki]

He was manic x 100!!! Wants to tell me everything about her. He never talked to OW before. He met her in a pub, talked to her only once and then immediately decided to leave us. He even jelled at me: 'Look what you have done, I am with a complete stranger now.'
And she is a major affair down in every aspect.

Isn't MLC extraordinary.  Please tell me you have never once doubted that this is MLC!

[Niek]

No Kikki, NEVER!!

In the beginning I told him once I thought it was MLC. Once!! Since then every few weeks he brings up the subject. 'You think I'am having a MLC.' I never ever mentioned the word again. He does every few weeks. Once he almost convinced me. He looked so normal, acted so normal. But that day D21 called me that she had to tell me something terrible. She saw H and OW in the city. He walking in front of OW, not communicating with each other. And she looked terrible. Dreadlocks, she is about 50 years old and looking old, but dressing like a teenager my D told me. My H is a lawyer, but D21 told to me that OW is looking like a hippie and that he will never be able to take her to business events or things like that without looking completely ridiculous. She was with a friend of hers and this girl was in chock. She said this OW is the complete opposite of your mother. Ha ha ha

Since then I never had any doubt anymore.

[Doc Hudson]

Doc Hudson, I read your question to R2D2, on why, as an unmarried woman with no kids, she was putting up with her man's behavior.  As another unmarried woman who is standing for her partner (as are other unmarried partners on this site), I believe the reason is similar for all of us. It is because we know who are partners were, we recognize the 180 change in them as not being normal, and we, like even one else here, pray that someday they will emerge from their  tunnel and remember who we were and what we had together  (though I also know, no expectations!)
I had been with my partner for 16 years, when the man I considered my hero, changed into someone unrecognizable.  The change was so drastic that I called his doctor concerned that my partner was in a major depressive episode. Now he is deep in replay and in love with his soulmate, who conveniently was a former student of his and lived around the corner from him all these years!  Normal? No. MLC like, yes. I stand because I know who he was and don't believe our life, though not married was a complete lie, though like times I do question my memories after listening to him rewrite history for so long.
Just wanted to speak up for R2D2 and the rest of the unmarried here. 
And, nice to meet you Doc, always read your posts.

To be candid, I understood this to be the answer to my question when I asked it. 

That said, whether your ex-boyfriend is in MLC or not, or whether you are married or not, your ex-boyfriend emotionally abused you.   The advice that I give you is the same advice that I would give any unmarried woman who does not have kids with her abuser: WALK!  It's just that simple.  Marriages and kids complicate things, at least somewhat, when dealing with an abuser, but you have no such complications.  I understand your position when you say "Well, he hasn't always abused me and, thus, he must have CHANGED and maybe, just maybe, he can CHANGE back"... but, really, do you want to take back an abusive boyfriend?  If my wife and I were unmarried and we didn't have kids, I would have been gone at BD and never looked back.  Yes, I would have been sad, angry, hurt, embarassed... you name it... but there is no way that I would lower myself to waiting even a second for someone who cheated on me and shower absolutely no remorse in doing so.  So, then, why am I even here?  Why haven't I just filed on my wife?  Well, long story short, I have two small children to raise until they are old enough to be left alone with their sociopathic mother in the likely event that she gets some form of custody.  Sucks for me, but I will be moving on sooner rather than later.

I understand that you are in pain and that the man who you thought you knew was worth loving, but you are just now learning who your ex-boyfriend actually is.  He hid this part of him from you for a decade and a half until he could hold it in no longer.  Now you see it.  It was always there.  He hasn't changed.  You are just finally seeing ALL of him.  I thank God that you can get away from this person and never look back starting today.  Seriously, I can understand that walking now may feel like you are setting aside 16 years of your life, but you aren't.  You are a wiser, better woman than you were 16 years ago and I have to believe that a great guy is out there looking for someone like you.  Please understand that I do not wish to offend you; rather, I offer you advice that I would give to my sister or my daughter.  Your fidelity is an admirable quality but, honey, this guy doesn't deserve it.

[calamity]

Hi Doc,  You said to Brokenhearted,
I understand that you are in pain and that the man who you thought you knew was worth loving, but you are just now learning who your ex-boyfriend actually is.  He hid this part of him from you for a decade and a half until he could hold it in no longer.  Now you see it.  It was always there.  He hasn't changed.

You are saying you don't buy any of this mlc? 

To me it makes no difference if you are married legally or not, you are married--in Canada a 16 y relationship is regarded as a legal marriage more or less.  In my experience, commitment is commitment, what's a piece of paper?  I always regretted getting married because I knew it had nothing to do with our relationship.

[Doc Hudson]

Hi Doc,  You said to Brokenhearted,
I understand that you are in pain and that the man who you thought you knew was worth loving, but you are just now learning who your ex-boyfriend actually is.  He hid this part of him from you for a decade and a half until he could hold it in no longer.  Now you see it.  It was always there.  He hasn't changed.

You are saying you don't buy any of this mlc? 

To me it makes no difference if you are married legally or not, you are married--in Canada a 16 y relationship is regarded as a legal marriage more or less.  In my experience, commitment is commitment, what's a piece of paper?  I always regretted getting married because I knew it had nothing to do with our relationship.

Well, if MLC means the acute onset of a substantially latent mental illness that results in delusions, memory impairment, and essentially sociopathic behavior then, yes, I would say that MLC 'exists'.  Depsite what many will say, it does not "come out of nowhere".  It was there.  Many of us just missed the warning signs.   It's hard for me to admit this as I DID see the warning signs, but I was just too young and inexperienced to understand what they meant.   That said, okay, what now?

In my experience, a piece of paper is a piece of paper, and if there is no committed relationship either, what EXACTLY do you have?

[FindingJoJo]

"In my experience, a piece of paper is a piece of paper, and if there is no committed relationship either, what EXACTLY do you have?"

Why Doc we have what we all are living right now, what we choose to accept into our lives and what we have determined in our minds what level of commitment we want to have with our H/W/BF/GF. 

[calamity]

Hi Doc,
You said, Well, if MLC means the acute onset of a substantially latent mental illness that results in delusions, memory impairment, and essentially sociopathic behavior then, yes, I would say that MLC 'exists'.

I would agree with that.  In fact I'm going to copy it to my journal.

But really a relationship is a relationship whether or not it is sanctioned by state or church.  One is no 'freer' without the paperwork, it is still a 'divorce' [i hate that word].  The split may be different but the pain is the same.