[Dontgiveup]

He had moved on ( she didn't say what this meant - whether he had a new relationship or whether he didn't want to be with her ). She was in a lot of pain, but said she was determined to make this new family work - to not destroy another family. Her words to me were that my wife wouldn't know where she was when she comes out of this crisis.

I believe there are times when the MLCer stays in a relationship with someone other than the LBS.  They are determined to make it work.  I believe that determination, though is because they are certain the LBS is not an option......the LBS has made that abundantly clear in many cases.  Limitless' co-worker "MLC Man" comes to mind.

You don't really know what is happening in people's marriages. It turned out that we didn't know what was happening in our own!

I agree with the thought that you never know what is going on behind the scene in a marriage.  I am not one who equates MLC with an unhealthy marriage.  As I tell many people, MLCers can be experts at Projection.  Absolute experts.  Once my emotions began to settle down a few months after bomb drop, I realized there was no way my wife's Projections could be true.  She claimed things like I never loved her.......yet she somehow failed to mention this even one time during a 15+ year marriage.

There is no formula, but there appears to be a pattern.

I think when the word formula is used, it is associated with a cure.  In my view the pattern is the important piece.  The pattern can be what gives people the confidence in the process.  I rarely focus on an end result with my ex-wife.  I have shared this with a few others, but I know that when my ex-wife makes it through the process, our marriage stands a chance at that time.  That time is not anytime soon as that's not how MLC works.

The consistent pattern at the beginning is that there is a sudden, unexpected change from a spouse, frequently associated with an affair, followed by blame, and then separation. Then there is a time lapse, while a big percentage of our lives goes on in some form. Then inconsistency. Some of our spouses remarry, have new children, move away, or 'vanish'. Some of us LBSs do the same.

The things that surround bomb drop are quite dramatic.  The sudden unexpected change, the Projection, etc.  Every MLCer is a bit different, yet also not so much.  Few MLCers marry the alienator, and a majority of those end up in a second divorce (which is true of many non-MLC cases also), few MLCers have children with the alienator, and few are true Vanishers.  The vast majority of MLCers do physically move out.  RCR has a few blogs about separating in order to return.

I think it helps to see patterns - to hear some kind of consistency that there comes a time of realization for at least some 'MLCers' - from the cases we've seen - like RcR, HB, Stayed, DGU's friend, AmyC, the woman I talked to.

Yes, exactly.  These are the types of things that can give us confidence in the process itself.

I believe that the mystery I experienced when this first began was real. It didn't add up. My wife told me it didn't for her either. She told me that she didn't know how she could just throw it all away. It was genuinely a mystery at that time to us both. And because that was a real mystery, and because it has been unreal in a lot of ways since then, I believe that our story hasn't finished.

This is awesome to hear you say BNW......it's a recognition of the MLC process.

I'm not sure what the outcome, and at the moment it doesn't feel optimistic for reconciliation, but I would be grateful for a realization at least like Amy, or the woman that I spoke to.

At least right now, I am more concerned that my ex-wife make it through MLC than I am concerned about her and I reconciling.  I want my ex-wife emotionally healthy.  I truly want that for her.

And - change. If this hadn't happened, I wouldn't be running a half marathon, be learning a new language, be a happy vegetarian, helping a global charity, or be playing guitar and singing to crowds of people. Surviving, and making new goals. I'd give all that up to have a whole family, but it makes me at least see some of the potential in myself that I didn't see before.

You have done an outstanding job of focusing on your Self.  What you have said here is something we each need to make sure we don't overlook.  This is impressive BNW.

[Mamma Bear]

  Really agree with you DGU and BNW
  My MLCer H said once "and we haven't even talked about any of this yet..."
  That was 10 mos post BD.  When he said it I laughed and said "Yeah...huh?"
  Until then I always wondered what that quote from HB (I think) meant ' when the MLCer finally breaks his silence and talks to the spouse for the first time"   (or something like that)       When he said 'we haven't even talked about this yet.'  I was  . Like OMG maybe in another 2 years we will.  Things like that make it easier for an LBS . It enables us to Trust the MLC Process.....which is not an easy task at first.  Another benefit of TIME...The gift that keeps on giving... 

[Thundarr]

Giving.....and taking, Mamma.

[Mamma Bear]

 Thundarr, There in lies the 'rub'.  Not to let it TAKE! 

[Dontgiveup]

Giving.....and taking, Mamma.

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/self-focus_releasers_acceptance_are-attached-to-your-inner-victim.html

[RivenIN2]

Http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/self-focus_releasers_acceptance_are-attached-to-your-inner-victim.html

Thank you for pointing that out DGU I really needed that today.

[kikki]

My MLCer H said once "and we haven't even talked about any of this yet..."
  That was 10 mos post BD.  When he said it I laughed and said "Yeah...huh?"

Oh my goodness !  I had completely forgotten about this - I got this very same line around the same timeframe too .......

[OldPilot]

Bump this up for some of the men that may not have read this thread.

[in it]

The one I dealt with just kept emailing " We'll talk" "We'll talk soon"...and on and on
Guess what?..never happened.

I have a cousin hit her mid life.

She had multiple affairs on her H before she forced him to divorce her. They had 3 girls I simply could NOT understand how she just left moved in with her mother and left her kids

Things weren't good between them for years. She did all kinds of things. They had a hobby farm I guess 6 beef cows etc. She feed them in zero degree weather, would paint the barn..he'd criticize.

If the kids boots weren't in a row..he'd b!tc#.

She ended up with a heart condition that hospitalized her..and that was it.

She moved out stayed away until he couldn't take it anymore and divorced her.
he remarried a year later.

As far as I know? It wasn't one of her affair partners.

[WorkingHard]

This thread's been around for a while and it's so very helpful. Just attaching here.

WH