[JAG]

I was re-reading the various parts of the midlife crisis articles and I came across something that made me start thinking.  I was reading about how when the Accommodation is too far from one's true Self that is when he or she would go into crisis mode.  So this is the thing....I get that...but is that telling me that my H is actually now acting out who he truly is and the man I met and married was just trying on this life for him and went in crisis when he couldn't sustain it? If this is the case....the person he is today is more of his true Self...right? And if that is the case...can't I just say that this is the person he may choose to remain and never go back to the accommodating person he once was? Maybe someone can clarify...thanks

[Rollercoasterider]

If this is the case....the person he is today is more of his true Self...right? And if that is the case...can't I just say that this is the person he may choose to remain and never go back to the accommodating person he once was? Maybe someone can clarify...thanks

No. This person is crisis is the person in search of the Self--so without (or buried/hidden) Self while in the identity crisis.

[JD]

Hi JAG,
You said:  get that...but is that telling me that my H is actually now acting out who he truly is and the man I met and married was just trying on this life for him and went in crisis when he couldn't sustain it?
The person you met and married learned certain behaviours and character traits within his family were acceptable and was rewarded, praised, and approved for performing in expected ways. He adapted to what was required of him within that petrie dish of his family of origin.  He learned to survive exhibiting those characteristics and behaviours.   He reacted in  family/socially appropriate ways versus consciously choosing how to be.
The person you met was survival driven and on autopilot.

He doesn't really know his true self. His is finding his core personality.
He is experimenting and his pendulum is swinging far out from the norms he once knew to seek a new balance. He may develop a better sense of his own  needs wants and boundaries and express them clearly ( and especially at this point, inappropriately)

And if that is the case...can't I just say that this is the person he may choose to remain and never go back to the accommodating person he once was?

The essence of the person you once knew will remain.  His behaviour will change as will how he governs relationships to meet his needs.

[ascending]

Jay deg- you explanation really made sense. I had a bit of an ah ha and wrote this in my journal. It has been said many different ways, but the way you said it made perfect sense. My counselor was trying to explain this to me regarding myself as well as dh. She said I may need to work on insight because I couldn't understand how my dh could not have trust. We talk all the time about FOO issues and how they shape us. This was able to help me with more insight.

It seems common sense. My childhood was so benign that I was having trouble gaining insight into my issues also. This turned on the lightbulb for me. My dh, I suspect, had a lot more to survive from the tidbits I am getting now. This explains to me how he could eventually snap and me not understand that given that I wasn't as "damaged". I was able to develop more coping skills because there was less for me to "survive".

[JAG]

Okay....I am slowly getting this.  He was on autopilot when I met him living "according" to society and what others expected of him.  So, now, for some odd reason, he couldn't handle that expectation anymore.  So now he swung the pendulum to the complete opposite in search of himself.  I am guessing his core of who he is will remain (that is why he continues to work and continues to enjoy his job). However, when he will come through the tunnel we don't know which part he will choose....is that it? He will fall somewhere in the middle? So he may take a little of what was missing and apply it to what he had.  Again, I think that if I got it....I am debating if I really want to stand.  I say this because of the young age I am and he is.  Isn't it easier for him to re-create something with someone "new" once he discovers his "new self"? Maybe this OW will mold and change with him and create a  life together for his new self...but maybe, once he no longer likes this far off pendulum personality he has created, he will dump OW and get someone that is more in tune with his new self....but again...I find it hard for him, at such a young age, to come back for his kids...it is easier to recreate kids and move on. 

[Dontgiveup]

Here is some additional information that RCR wrote that may be beneficial on this topic.

This is how MLCers are. They are experimenting with a new identity. They want to be that person they used to dream about; the fun guy, Peter Pan who doesn’t age is successful with women, successful socially and successful professionally. He wants to be that guy. And that guy is either who he used to be when he was young—the popular jock or the one he admired and wanted to be.

MLCers are tired of accommodating their Self and their public personae to what other people want. But when you experiment with something, you tend to go beyond and take it to obsessive levels.

He’s regressed to adolescence when he experimented with various identities. But remember none are real yet, though all contain bits of validity because they are pieces of him. Those pieces are often the bits and pieces he is rediscovering from his Shadow. When he gets to Liminality he will sort through them and decide which ones to keep.

And what you see of those pieces may be negative, but that doesn’t mean pieces of the pieces are worthy of keeping. Monster was awful, but Monster was confident and knew what it wanted and was not afraid to speak its mind. Those are positive attributes when channeled appropriately.

You husband is in there and he’s intact, but he needs to go through this to discover those other bits of his Self and then he needs to go through Liminality to integrate the pieces he wants to keep.

[Anjae]

Ok, what when your husband was not the popular jock nor has ever wanted to be? When we meet he was 17 and he always liked being who he was, a more creative, quiet young man who appreciated art and French 19 century poetry. My husband is part English and had the normal English middle-upper/upper class aversion to exhibit feelings in public  and always like being a role model of the well behaved boy.

What is he up to in MLC? Trying to be the bad boy he never was or wanted to be?... From French 19 century poetry, art, and quiet to clubbing and partying like there is no tomorrow and being a wheel of public exhibition of feelings and outrageous behaviour, like been see drunk (in 20 years I have never saw in drunk a single time) there a is long, long way…

Don’t’ get me wrong, he was not dull or grey, he was lively, laughed a lot (amonge other things loved British comedy), had a sense of humour, has done what he wanted rather than what is family had wanted him to, had very few obligations (we didn’t even have a mortgage, we’ve had a rented flat), no kids, and compared with most married people we’ve had quite a free fun life.

Monster to me did not looked confident at all not like he knew what he wanted. Monster was a person who had lost total control of his emotions and had no idea what he wanted. One day monster wanted this the next day monster wanted that. My normal husband was confident without being aggressive. Monster was aggressive and lost. Monster was afraid of speak his mind most of the time and my real husband was never afraid of speaking his mind. And accommodation was never my husband’s thing. Artistic creative people seldom are.

So, what’s up?... My husband just adducted some bad boy from outer space and is trying out that persona?... Is he trying to find out how it is to be someone who has done a lot of wrong things and is burden in problems?...  I wonder… Still, if he wants to be a bad boy he needs to have lots of women, sleep around, be arrested, try drugs and a few others things he is leaving out.  This thing of getting all comfortable living with OW2 is very married man thing. 

[JD]

JAG you said: So, now, for some odd reason, he couldn't handle that expectation anymore.
None of our MLC'ers can handle it. Emotionally they are stuck at the age they were when the original damage from their FOO happened. 
When you're seeing two year old behaviour in a grown up, that's pretty indicative of at what age they are stuck along Eric Erikson's developmental stages for emotional maturity.
Our MLC'ers have NOT completed those developmental stages successfully. Now they must.
If they were neglected babies, or unwanted babies ( and many of us grew up in the 50's and 60's where crying it out was the norm, even for a baby that had true needs)  they never even learned how to trust. That's the first task on Erickson's phases.
Our MLC'ers  have a well crafted facade, that over years and years of pressure cracked because it is not their authentic selves.  The emotional child within them just got exhausted  propping up this facade, and that facade although once very functional as a survival mechanism, now does not work on so many levels.

[JAG]

Very interesting....so what you are saying is that they have to go through the stages and then once they do they come out and are able to sustain their new self? Does the new self have to be a total opposite of the self that was unsustainable? For example when my H told me that for years he was doing what he was "supposed to do" means that he is done now of doing what people expect of him...uhhh...like be a father.  So, eventually he could either be a father again or gain a new self that says...that is not what you really want?

[Dontgiveup]

Here is one of RCR's articles called A Midlife Metaphor that is one of the better I've seen at giving a picture of the MLC process, including the birth of the new Self in Rebirth.

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/mlc_overview_midlife-metaphor.html