[NoRegrets]

RCR could you write an introduction book to MLC and a companion book with more real-life examples, maybe some exercises? Seems like a lot of authors do that sort of thing.

[Heart to Heart]

And we have also seen here on the board that female MLCers divorce pretty fast. It is normally the male ones who drag and drag and drag.

Just out of curiosity, why is this?  Why do some MLCers drag out divorce? Especially if they have been living with the OW.  At BD, my H said "You're going to make me wait the entire 2 years, aren't you?"  Here we are 27 months past BD and he's only used the "D" word once in the last 18 months and doesn't seem to be in a hurry.  This of course could change tomorrow!

H2H

[limitless]

H2H,

I don't know....about the female vs. the male divorce thing.  I believe that most divorces are filed by women (do you guys ever take care of anything?    - Only kidding.

My H is doing the same thing....we are 9 months post divorce filing...and I've not heard a thing about it since January.....the 10th to be exact.

Are women more decisive?  Or do women feel that they truly don't have their "space" unless they are divorced?

I wonder this myself.

limitless

[Anjae]

Are women more decisive?  Or do women feel that they truly don't have their "space" unless they are divorced?

Both, I think.

Even when the male MLCer files, like mine, they manage to drag their own filling for ever. Most non MLC divorces are filled by women. Maybe it means, and contrary to what is said, we are less inclined to forgive of accept any fault?...

Oh, there is another thing, I have never went back to any boyfriend or husband but boyfriends and husband tried to come back. Husband was not ready at all, I was not going to take him back.

[LettingGo]

AnneJ..... your description of your MIL and her sitch I think is very common for her era... VERY COMMON!!! No one to tell her otherwise, either!! Her husband was a womanizer because SOCIETY enabled it, as well!!! There was NO SHAME was there??? Both MIl and ow accepted that his way was the way it would be..... with MLC, it is different, but LOOKS the same in many ways.... it LOOKS like the LBS is accepting of the affair.... far from the truth though!!! LBS only accept that they have NO CONTROL ove the MLCer or the affair and that it is NOT NORMAL BEHAVIOR FOR THEIR SPOUSE.

I firmly believe that the MLCer BECOMES very much like the parent who harmed them the most.... my husband's Dad was a womanizer.. his OWN father abandoned his family and started a new family in another state... vanisher!!! Complete abandonment.... so FIL abandoned his own kids for his alcoholism and women.... in the meantime, while still married to my MIL, he got a hotel maid pregnant and embezzled from his employer to cover it up.... my MIL's father was a lawyer and kept him from jail... MIL tried to adopt the baby..... talk about forgiveness!!! BUT, FIL kept womanizing..... it was easier than accepting the DECENCY he didn't feel he deserved...

Now, MY husband is doing a similar thing...... affair is with a hotel maid, even though he NEVER KNEW ABOUT HIS DAD'S AFFAIR!!!! The universe is very tricky!!! He only found out about his half brother from his Dad's affair THIS YEAR!!! Cannot connect the dots and wonder "WTH???" Point is..... the issues the drive the MLCer very oftern turn them into THE ISSUE!!!

As for why women seem to divorce right away in MLC..... I can say that when I thought I was falling in love with my now husband, I quickly sought a divorce from my husband at the time, though he had done nothing wrong.... I strongly felt that you should finish one "r" before starting another.. even though the reality is that the NEW one was already in the works..... perhaps it's guilt.... a way to tell ourselves we are not cheating..... I've noticed that the male MLCers (when they talk) reveal that they "don't feel married" and I've heard this from my own husband..... even though, in the next moment, he is referring to me as his wife..... they're in a constant state of fear and confusion.... so, I believe that the MEN simply don't FEEL married, and don't need a divorce to prove it... Just my opinion.

[Anjae]

Absolutely, LG, my MIL stich is very common for her age. I think so, FIL was a womanizer because society enabled it. Womanizers still exist and marry but now people don’t see it has a normal or acceptable thing. FIL OW (the permanent one) is much younger than MIL, but older than myself. Not sure how old she is, early to mid 50’s maybe…What is strange is that FIL OW is a highly cultured woman, an intellectual and a scholar. MIL was a stay at home wife. What on earth was a woman like FIL OW doing with a married man baffles me. She would had not have trouble having a man of her own. Why stay with a married man that keep cheating on her?... I have no idea.

Yes, what the LBS does during MIL may seem similar but I have never saw any LBS here packing her husband suitcase for the weekend or days spend with OW or ironing husband’s shirts when he was going to be with OW. None of us here shuts up or is scared to put her foot down. Our husbands want to have a life with OW? Well, go have it but we are not going to baby sit them. My MIL did it to FIL. I really hit the roof with the packing the suitcase and ironing the shirts when he was going to be with OW. MIL was his maid, OW the one taken to the theatre, receptions, cinema, you name it. It made no sense to me at all. But, I think many women my MIL age have done what she has.

Sadly, I think you may be right LG, the MLCer will become very the much the parent who have harmed them the most. Your FIl was way worst than mine. Mine did not abandon, in the sense of going away, nor has stop providing for them financially. If anything, at times he hyper-compensate with money. Women of your MIL and my MIL trying to adopt a baby their husband had with another woman was also very common. I think MLCers and womanizers don’t respect themselves so they run and run and run. Or try to use money or fancy presents instead.

OW1 could not be equivalent of FIL OW but OW2, in some things, can. No, she is not a scholar or highly educated but I call her my husband’s “Y”  (FIL OW). For the record, after FIL was finally divorced he lived a few years with OW and a couple of years ago or so they have separated. OW moved to a city near by, FIL to a non continental part of our country. I suspect FIL has a new woman, a younger one but that is just me guessing from some things in FIL Facebook.

How do you think men like my husband and yours, that had turned what they detested and had hurt them so much, and, then done it worst to us, can solve their crisis/issues, heal, reproach us (or let us go for good)? Will they ever be able to figure out what they have become and deal with it and all the loss and damage they caused? I know I would find it very hard to deal with and may prefer to keep clubbing or drinking. But a day will come when one has a glimpse of sobriety or sees what a wreck we have become.

Agree, one should end one relationship before starting another. May I ask how do you now look back to the time you were falling in love with your current husband? Do you think you weren’t fair with your first husband? How do you think your falling in love with your current husband while still married to your first one is different than our MLCers “falling in love” with OW/OM?

Again, you may be right, male MLCers mau not feel married while in MLC. Mine never said it like that, just that he “had left”. Meaning, he had left, what was the problem of having OW? Well… OW1 started months before he left and he never felt unmarried while he was at home. With OW2 I can get he no longer feels married. I don’t feel married so, I get it. But husband is the one who has been filing for divorce like there is no tomorrow, so it must be important for him to divorce, right? Probably not since he drags forever.

If they don’t feel married it should be irrelevant for them to be divorced but it seems to be the opposite. Also, it should not matter that we were free to do as we please. Yet, they don’t allow for it. Funny little scared and fearful creatures. Are they scared that, if we are divorced, we marry someone else and they are left to rotten with OW? Male MLCers seem to be too possessive for someone who does not feel married. Or is it because while remaining married they think they are in control of their wife and feel powerful?

[kikki]

Are they scared that, if we are divorced, we marry someone else and they are left to rotten with OW? Male MLCers seem to be too possessive for someone who does not feel married. Or is it because while remaining married they think they are in control of their wife and feel powerful?

Interesting thoughts AnneJ

[Thundarr]

LG, if I read your post correctly your H started out as an OM?  Off the subject but threw me for a loop.

[Anjae]

Are they scared that, if we are divorced, we marry someone else and they are left to rotten with OW? Male MLCers seem to be too possessive for someone who does not feel married. Or is it because while remaining married they think they are in control of their wife and feel powerful?

Interesting thoughts AnneJ

There is another possibility, they drag because that way they delay having to pay us. That is also a form of control, of course.