[xyzcf]

I attended a workshop that talked about mental health issues in children and their family members. Throughout the session, I was struck over and over again by the many similarities that I see in LBSers and MLCers and I wanted to share a few insights.

An "a ha" moment that I had was when I recognized my own symptoms (depression, anxiety, chest pain, insomnia, lack of appetite, inability to focus) and thought about how suddenly these symptoms hit me after BD (and how long they have continued). I was struck by the thought that something happened, an event occurred in my world and my normal "happy" self was totally lost....so, if this could happen to me so suddenly, then why do I have any problems understanding that an event triggered a crisis in my husband?

What defines Mental Health? Is there truly anyone who does not at some point in their lives encounter mental illness either in themselves or a loved one? Somehow, we seem to be able to accept a physical illness like heart disease, diabetes or cancer and not feel "responsible". We can have empathy and compassion for someone with a physical illness but not so with a mental health issue.

1 in 5 Americans suffer from a mental health illness in a year. 4 of the 10 leading causes of disability worldwide are mental disorders with major depression a leading cause of disability.

There are links in our genetics, our family history, our biochemistry, our developmental issues that can impact throughout the entire life span, what if any disorders we may be susceptible to.
Let me look at what happens to the LBS after BD and in the years following that fit many of the diagnoses. Remember that these disorders all occur on a continuum and I am not proposing any diagnoses here.. Many of these are also occurring in the MLCer.

Depression:  Persistent sad, anxious or “empty” feelings. Difficulty concentrating, fatigue, decreased energy, feelings of hopelessness, insomnia or excessive sleeping, overeating or appetite loss, persistent aches or pains, headaches or digestive problems, thoughts of suicide

Anxiety Disorders: including panic disorders (sweating, chest pain, difficulty breathing), obsessive compulsive disorder plagued by constant thoughts or fears, general anxiety disorder with excessive worry and tension, post traumatic stress disorder following a traumatic event with increased anxiety and emotional arousal

And some that may apply to the MLCer

Intermitted Explosive Disorder: Episodes of aggressive, violent behavior in which you react grossly out of proportion to the situation…..reminds me of what we refer to as Monster.

Addictions: wanting to escape, wanting not to feel the pain.

Bipolar disorder:  People go back and forth between periods of very good or irritable mood and depression with reckless behavior and lack of self control, elevated moods or very upset.

Reactive Attachment Disorder: This is one that had me thinking about the issue of developmental tasks not being successfully navigated in childhood “ the child’s basic needs for comfort, affection and nurturing aren’t met and loving, caring attachments with others are never established. This may permanently change the child’s brain hurting the ability to establish future relationships.
Interesting the presenter talked that this is a lifelong condition and that many people marry but end up divorced because they cannot form an attachment to other people. These people enjoy being alone. They may have 1 or 2 good friends but often destroy relationships. They do not attach to their own children because they are unable to feel that bond.

The whole spectrum of autism, asperger and atypical autism where they live in their own world and have to do their own thing.

I am constantly trying to find an answer to why this mess occurred in my life. I am not a psychiatrist and have limited knowledge about these conditions but something struck me and I feel compelled to share. I think it was this…it has something to do with the pain that both the LBS and the MLC experience in our inner worlds due to this event that has changed everything.

It is this internal pain that we have felt. I know what this pain feels like and it is terrible. In a crisis, how much pain is there for the MLCer? Is it so intense that they have to find a way to escape by whatever means possible?

Where did this pain come from? I know what event triggered my pain but I also comprehend that I am also responding to things in my past as well that have been triggered by this event.
I suspect that the MLCer’s pain is worse than we can ever imagine and that the running that is so common is an attempt for them to sooth and get rid of that pain. I also suspect that the running will not work eventually and the fog that we talk about which allows them some protection from the agony and pain will eventually dissipate causing them to run further away when they see the destruction of their lives or turn back and try and rebuild what they have lost and destroyed.

I was also struck and concerned about my own mental health at this point. 3 years seems to be quite excessive to resolve the grief that has caused so much distress. I think to most therapists, they would see my response as being excessive. I evaluate my own progress by assessing if I am gradually improving. I sense that I am and thus I can take comfort in that. As well, I can compare myself to others on this site who still feel sadness after 3 years and so I take comfort that I am actually responding in a normal manner.

The more we learn, the more we can understand and accept what has happened in our lives and I hope that this will give you some cause to think a bit. I know it seems to have stimulated my thoughts and imagination and in some crazy ways, gave me a little bit more peace that MLC is a real phenomena that has many, many symptoms of a mental illness

[Dontgiveup]

I know it seems to have stimulated my thoughts and imagination and in some crazy ways, gave me a little bit more peace that MLC is a real phenomena that has many, many symptoms of a mental illness

I agree, MLC is certainly a real phenomena.  Here is the first part of RCR's article Midlife Crisis Takes Time where she refers to viewing MLC behavior in relation to mental illness as a coping mechanism for the LBS.

Though MLC is not a state of true mental illness, I find that it is often helpful for the Left-Behind-Spouse (LBS) to view the behaviour in this manner. It is a coping mechanism; a metaphor that can help us to understand. The balance is in not using it as an excuse as true insanity may be used.

It can also be helpful to know that several of the mainstream definitions of MLC include wording such as "extreme", "doubt", "anxiety", "turmoil" and "coping".

[Covenant for Life]

xyzcf,

Thanks for posting this.  I especially paid attention to the reactive attachment disorder.  I know for a fact that my H has never been close to his family.  His family - especially his mother - is cold, distant, and unaffectionate.  In turn, H was never as affectionate with me as I would have liked and rarely exhibited any affection for our children.

I do believe that he never attached nor formed a lasting bond with me, D21, or S18 even after almost 25 years together.  That is the only explanation for why even though he claims it was me that he left and not our children, he has absolutely no relationship with them either.

My H lives 5 minutes from our family home and has seen S18 exactly twice the entire summer - once for 50 minutes and once for 90 minutes.  If that doesn't show his lack of bonding with and lack of attachment to his own children, I do not know what would.  In addition, we get the same behavior from H's parents.  Even before BD, we went 5-6 months at a time without ever hearing from them and my H thought this was normal.  I, on the other hand, never went more than a week without talking to my parents.  Now, my children have virtually no relationship with H's parents just like they have no relationship with their Father.  How I feel for D21 and S18.
 
In my H's case, his lack of love, emotional closeness, attachment, and inability to be an involved and loving parent stem directly from everything he lacked when he was a child.  It must have been devastating to not feel love from your own mother.  And now, generations are paying for H's horrible childhood, including H, myself, D21, S18, my family, our friends, and grandchildren to come. 

I never want to lose hope for what God can do, even in the face of what looks like a hopeless situation.

I also want to let xyzcf know that I am still very sad and depressed after 4 and a half years.  The pain doesn't  go away.  D21 asked me to go and see a therapist to try and get a handle on how to get pass my grief.  D21 has been in therapy as well to deal with her Dad's abandonment.  I have had one appointment so far and after explaining to my Christian therapist what standing meant and what I believe scriptures say about divorce and adulterous remarriage, she told me standing  may be what is hindering my ability to grieve and get past my pain.

Also, because I believe marriage is forever and that I am still married to my H, I haven't let that relationship go.  Finally, she said that most eventually move on to a new relationship which helps to heal the pain and since that will never apply to me, the grief that I am feeling may never totally dissipate. 

So, xyzcf, you are not alone in what you are feeling and I have been in this for an even longer period of time.

[forthetrees]

xyz,
Thanks for posting your observations.

A couple of things come to mind:

I asked a close friend how long it took her to get over her spousal abandonment- her answer, you don´t want to know. I pressed and she finally said, 8 years. So, I hope that puts it into perspective as to where you are 3+ years onward. This friend is a joyful and spirited person who remarried and NEVER told her kids what their father had done. (He cheated and left the country, leaving her in the lurch financially.) Her kids are now adults and they still don´t know the "back story."

I keep seeing disparaging comments on the forum about borderline personality ows. A close friend is dealing with a family member who has been diagnosed with this disorder and it is a daily struggle in every facet imaginable. It is requiring the depths of their family emotional and financial assets to deal with it and the person with the illness is trapped in this "hell" trying to find a way out. I ask that folks not throw out these terms without understanding that a person with borderline personality disorder has a brain disorder and though there is a "cure", it is very expensive, hard to obtain, and requires months of unrelenting attention to the therapy.

My 2 cents,
FTT

[xyzcf]

Finally, she said that most eventually move on to a new relationship which helps to heal the pain and since that will never apply to me, the grief that I am feeling may never totally dissipate. 

This morning, as so many other times I am overcome by feelings of loneliness...that seems to be the thing that hurts the most these days and even when I surround myself with people...this still lingers deeply. Somehow I have to learn to live this way even though it goes against everything in my nature. As with you, another relationship is out of the question.
 
Covenant..I too saw some red flags when I thought about the reactive attachment disorder. My husband's family were in some ways very close but his mom was very cold and not very affectionate....I too could have used more touching in our relationship but was willing to make do.

FTT..yes, I caution anyone to look at these definitions and try and fit themselves or their partners into a category or to make nay judgement about what they think could be the problem. I reiterate that mental illnesses are no different than physical ones..they are not in the control of those that are affected by them.

[Dontgiveup]

RCR has an article series on personality disorders, including borderline.

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/mlc_personality-disorder_borderline.html

[Covenant for Life]

Also forgot to add that H was diagnosed with psychosis when D21 was only a year old and he refuses to stay on his meds.

So add a diagnosed mental illness (that is not being treated) to a childhood that lacked love, bonding, and affection, and you have a very volatile mix known as MLC.  I know my H never felt needed nor wanted by his parents and would not let me nor the children get close enough to him to show what love looked like.  He has never received nor been able to give love.  That is the crux of his crisis.

xyzcf, I so feel what you feel.  I, at 49, do not want to live my life alone  and yet we both have been put into a situation that goes against the very heart of who we are as women, wives, and mothers.  I know Christ knows our pain, our abandonment, and our loneliness.  He, too, felt that rejection up there on that cross - from His own Heavenly Father.  I cling to his promises found in Romans 8:28 and Ephesians 3:20.  He has promised us beauty for these ashes.  We can rejoice together when God's promises are manifested in our lives.  I am praying for that!  Stay strong.

[Thundarr]

I too woke up feeling very alone and sad.  S7 is with me but the sense of family is missing.  D11, D19 and W are together at W's.  My family is broken and I am lost in the world as my role of husband, father and even man is lost to me at this time.  I made breakfast for S7 and I and it was a trigger as I had to cook so little. 

I had a nightmare that the whole family was at the mall and 4 guys started going on a killing spree.  I told W to get the kids out and I stayed back to distract the assailants and buy them time.  After it was over I tried to find them but couldn't.  I called them on their cell phones but they did not answer.  I never found out if they were safe or not in my dream.  My identity as protector is gone.

About the mental illness part of this, as you all know I deal with this daily in my profession.  Everything that X wrote I agree with other than the fact that RAD cannot be overcome.  I've worked with several who suffer from this and they can have meaningful relationships, but they take lots and lots of work.  Also, I want to point out that we ALL have degrees of everything X wrote about.  We all have depression, anxiety, addiction and unresolved childhood issues.  It's only when they either persist over a long period or cause a certain level of distress that they become "disorders.". We can certainly ascribe our own diagnoses but without knowing first-hand from the MLCer they are only speculation.

FTT also has an excellent point about BPD.  In fact, what we now know is that BPD is really a form of bi-polar disorder and IS treatable with meds and therapy.  When the new DSM comes out (it's the Bible of mental health) BPD will no longer be recognized as an Axis 2 disorder (personality disorder).  From what I have seen MLCers do tend to have BPD symptoms, but so have I since this started.

I have more to say but am on my phone.  Like all of us, I just pray this is all temporary.

[OceanLady]

xyzcf, FTT, Thundar and others,

I too feel alone every morning and think that my H grew up with a PA (passive-aggressive) mother and never learned what true love looks and feels like.  I always felt like something was missing, even from the very start of my R with H.  My S16, my only child, has been with my H for 16 months now due to alienation from his father towards me and I also feel that being a MOM has been taken away from me.  How I cry on some days and miss both of them.   I am hoping that when my S16 gets a bit older (and not so angry also), he will see thru this behavior and then come back home with his mom--who is able to hug him and tell him she loves him very much.  I too do not want my S16 to learn this type of behavior.  I am hoping he remembers the things that I taught him when he was younger (S1 to S14); have fun and dance in the kitchen when you feel like it, do not bully anyone and help those that are being bullied, be patient and forgive the small things, share your toys, Don't Poke The Bear (his father), your high-school years will be the best time of your life, make as many friends as possible, etc...--I'm sure he will.

Hugs for all of us here.

[Anjae]

An "a ha" moment that I had was when I recognized my own symptoms (depression, anxiety, chest pain, insomnia, lack of appetite, inability to focus) and thought about how suddenly these symptoms hit me after BD (and how long they have continued). I was struck by the thought that something happened, an event occurred in my world and my normal "happy" self was totally lost....so, if this could happen to me so suddenly, then why do I have any problems understanding that an event triggered a crisis in my husband?

What we suffer after BD is equivalent to post traumatic stress disorder. It can last for years and years. Sometimes for a lifetime.

Maybe the difficulty is because to us it is sudden but then we find out they have been on it for a long, long, time. There is a difference between something that builds over time and something that falls upon our head out of the blue. And I know a very little events that can be so devastating as BD and the consequence it has on a LBS.  But BD (an event) did not drove us nto the madness of MLC.

And, at least for me, it is a little annoying that mine knew he was depressed and did not to treat his depression.

We can have empathy and compassion for someone with a physical illness but not so with a mental health issue.

Not everyone here agrees MLC is a disease. If it is not, then it cannot be compared to physical illness, if it is, it can be attenuated with proper medication and an apropriated lifestyle. It is hard to have compassion and empathy towards someone we knew was ill (depressed) and did nothing about it.

I think it was this…it has something to do with the pain that both the LBS and the MLC experience in our inner worlds due to this event that has changed everything.

There is a big difference. We were not in pain before. Our pain come because of their actions. Theirs come we don't know why but we know they were depressed.

It is this internal pain that we have felt. I know what this pain feels like and it is terrible. In a crisis, how much pain is there for the MLCer? Is it so intense that they have to find a way to escape by whatever means possible?
Maybe but escaping only brings more pain to them (and us).

I was also struck and concerned about my own mental health at this point. 3 years seems to be quite excessive to resolve the grief that has caused so much distress.  I think to most therapists, they would see my response as being excessive.

3 years is not excessive to deal with the grief brought by MLC. We are all different, we all deal with things on our own time. Most therapist don’t have a clue about MLC. And I know many people that spend years I grief because of short term relationships. We had our lives turned up side down, we did not had a girlfriend/boyfriend breaking with us.

The more I learn of it and of brain chemicals the more I think MLC has biological causes as well as emotional and psychological and that it is a disease. Therefore they should receive treatment. Not, it would not cure it nor prevent them from developing but it would minimize some of the damages that come with it.

I think that, for most MLCers, it is temporary but at some point they will need medication. My cousin needed and I suspect my husband have had some aswell somewhere in late 2009 early 2010.

I don't feel alone every morning. It has become very rare that I feel alone. If anything I've started to enjoy too much being on my own.