[Anjae]

What does it mean to love them unconditionally? To want the best for them? To want them to be happy? Does this love involve any action on our part (and if it doesn't, can it be called love?)

The way I see it and the sort of love I'm talkig about (agape), it means wanting to them to be happy, the best for them but it does not require any action for our part. Yes, I think this sort of uncondicional love can be called love. 

Yes, I love H. I like him, I care for him. But sometimes I think I am no longer "in love" with him. Ironic, isn't it?

More normal than ironic, I think. It has been a long time since I was "in love" with my husband. Not sure I will manage to be again. Or want to.

[underpressure]

I am entering into a program for abused women. My therapist has said if he cannot change his behavior I will have to be able to leave him behind. And I had to agree. I guess I am giving my stand 4 years as that is the length of time she said it would take for me to get my life back through work and therapy.

I also tremble each day thinking what I did when I retaliated against him. How badly I may have hurt him. It's so hard to tell though because he is not able to communicate his feelings effectively. It's just rage rage rage.

But even If i must move on with my life and never see him again, i still love him, always will. Unconditionally.

I recall my SIL asking me: If he does this stuff to you, how can you love him? And I just had to tell her, it's not unconditional love if there are conditions!

[SavingGrace]

I wish I was so magnanimous in my love. I am unable to love him unconditionally without divine intervention. I once believed I was loving him unconditionally but I'm not so sure now. I feared his reprisals and his anger and so I would emotionally give of myself to him within the confines of protecting myself and our crumbling marriage. I see it was conditional then and it is more so now. I know all too well there is a fine line between love and hate and while I tend to embrace the negative at this point in my life, I would much prefer the intense emotion of hate rather than the slow burn of apathy for my H. I do fantasize though about the hope of him returning to me. I do not intend to remarry or seek the comfort of another man even if we are divorced. My mind wanders and I focus on what it might look like if he came home.... He would have to be a broken and humbled man to cross the threshold of my doorstep. I know he is very sick and depressed, but there is a difference between being broken and being sick and escaping. I don't want him to come home to me if he just wants to settle. There definitely would be conditions I would place on him if he was to return into my life. Does this mean I'm incapable of loving him unconditionally? I don't know. I do know that the love I had and that I cherished was for the man he was, for the way we were, and this is locked and secured away for safekeeping. The knowledge of this love gets tormented daily buffeted by the storms of his MLC. I hope it endures the test of time. Early on I tried triage but the bleeding and the wounding was too great and our M succumbed to the casualty of this war. I pray the memory of my love for him/us, doesn't. 

[honour]

I believe it is possible for me to feel charity and compassion and keep no record of wrongs towards xW but I question wether it would be wise to share the deepest ressesses of my soul in an intimate relationship with such a person again. I'm not sure it would be healthy.

honour

[toughtimes]

I think the idea of falling in and out of love during a long relationship or marriage is realistic and I hadn't known that is what couples do until recently! It's pretty normal to fall out of love for months, even years and still love your partner apparently. You definitely have to work at being in love with one another. Most relationships that seem to work are ones where there isn't any complacency, there's a deep love for one another but an awareness that the love ebbs and flows. This unconditional love thing is a tough one to work out, I think I did love my H unconditionally but didn't think so when we were together. The love I feel for my children is undoubtedly unconditional.
So there is love, being 'in love' and there's unconditional love ..... that's a whole lotta love!

[In this for ME]

but I question wether it would be wise to share the deepest ressesses of my soul in an intimate relationship with such a person again.

That is a question isn't it??? I never felt safe enough to do this with ExH to begin with. I have no idea I if I could with someone else ....but possibly.

[Anjae]

but I question wether it would be wise to share the deepest ressesses of my soul in an intimate relationship with such a person again.

That is a question isn't it??? I never felt safe enough to do this with ExH to begin with. I have no idea I if I could with someone else ....but possibly.

I felt safe enough with husbadn to do that. And he with me. Could I do it again with him? Not sure. With someone else? Maybe. Would depend of the someone else. For me it is not only a case of could but of want. Would I want to share the deepest of myself the same way I did with husband with him again or with another person? Probably not. We were kids when we meet, it was different.

[honour]

I think the idea of falling in and out of love during a long relationship or marriage is realistic

Falling in and out of love is one thing, falling into bed with a person you are not married to, whilst being married, is another. It requires a choice and it requires action.

I can have charity (unconditional love) even for a serial killer i.e. it's a seriously depraved human being who didn't ask to be born that way, but still a human being nonetheless; and we are taught we should "forgive them for they know not what they do"; and we should be noble and compassionate because "do not even sinners love those who love them" etc etc, but even with all those high morals having been said, I still don't want to be left alone in a dark alley with a serial killer.
Likewise I'm not sure it is wise to entrust my life for a second time to someone who has proven themselves capable of the most callous, cruel and destructive savagery anyone could unleash upon a loving partner. It may not be wise to be "left alone in a dark alley" with someone capable of such behaviour because it just may be dangerous for a second time.

We should be clear and not delude ourselves, irrespective of all the theorizing about depression and fogs and tunnels, these people, MLCers as we call them, commit adultery and monster at their spouses because they can, and because it suits them to do so.

honour

[toughtimes]

Falling in and out of love is one thing, falling into bed with a person you are not married to, whilst being married, is another. It requires a choice and it requires action.

I totally agree. This is a really stupid, short sighted, cruel, disrespectful way of dealing with the low points in the relationship. I think we delude ourselves that relationships and marriage are all "Disney, happily ever after" and this just doesnt exist. I feel a realistic approach, that your love will be up and down, is essential. My H and I talked about this a lot together and were very pragmatic, the grass isn't always greener etc. He even understood the neurological process of the initial falling in Love feeling and how this is fleeting and why so many people chase and chase that feeling moving from one person to the next!

Because a choice is being made I guess the only way you can forgive is if the spouse takes responsibility for that choice and take responsibility for the hurt it causes. This is remorse.

I know that when you feel depressed you make choices that not the best ones to make and you have a distorted view of the world. However, I have to say that I have suffered with depression and I have never ever intentionally hurt anyone else but I know I have said and done things that were hurtful to my H without doing it knowingly. This is why you need a trusted "other opinion" as to whether you are thinking and acting straight!

I just feel, given what my H has expressed in the past 15 years, he is completely different person with a whole new set of values. Now this seems like a crisis to me and it's not him. I therefore feel like I can understand his actions as wrong, just plain wrong. So that makes me see that it is not my fault and not that I didn't love enough or I didn't love him unconditionally. It remains to be seen if his crisis follows the pattern of MLC, but if it does I will be relieved because it does explain his cruel, callous and selfish behaviour.