[StillStanding]

I don't think I've ever heard of a relationship starting in infidelity that has been a good marriage. I'm sure there are exceptions though. Just don't know of any.
If they will do it with you they will do it to you IMHO

Are we talking in terms of whether the relationship is still going on, or the quality of that relationship?

My stepsister basically had an affair, divorced her husband, and married the OM. It's been at least 15+ years; they have a kid who is in high school now. Her son from her first marriage is 26 and everyone seems more or less accepting of what has happened by now.

Now, that's not to say there have been no problems, but they are still going strong.

[Thundarr]

A woman my W worked with when she was a teen was having an affair with the security guard.  She left her H for him and they have been married 25 years now.  The last time I saw them was at D19's graduation - a week after BD.  Seeing them didn't boost my spirits at all that night.

[calamity]

... if we love them shouldn't we wish them well in that, rather than covertly hope they ruin?

You're a better person than I am if you wish them well.

[StillStanding]

This site is what, 2.75 years old?  There are few true return stories on the site as a whole.  Those where the MLC has moved home is showing the struggle that is reconnection.  One of the key articles to read over and over again is Midlife Crisis Takes Time.

You also have to account for the fact that not every man with an MLCing wife will recognize it as MLC, or find their way to a site like this. There's also the likelihood that they will reject their partner's crisis and file for divorce themselves, or have a divorce pushed upon them and feel the only thing they can do is accept it and move on.

Standing is a truly exceptional thing to do. Most people do not have a support system for Standing; friends and family see that we are hurting, and want us to stop hurting so they can feel better. Sadly, even many churches seem to take the stance that the best thing they can do is help the LBS cope with the divorce.

Even then, people may choose to Stand at first but as time goes on they convince themselves that their spouse is really happy now, get worn down by the constant Monster behavior, or get restless and want to get on with their life.

[calamity]

Standing is a truly exceptional thing to do. Most people do not have a support system for Standing; friends and family see that we are hurting, and want us to stop hurting so they can feel better.

I would go farther & say the idea of standing doesn't even occur to most people.  If I had believed my h [never quite believed his story] I would have been long gone.  The only reason I found this site is because his behaviour was so inexplicable that I keep digging until I found a rationale.  Once I found the site I gradually saw sense in calming down & giving him time & space, i.e. standing.

[Thundarr]

I appreciate this site is for Standers but Standing is not the only right and proper way to proceed and Standing does not have an exclusive right to the moral high ground.

In fact I would agree that if you tke this context with your spouse, you will never reconnect.

In a few days time she will be another man's wife; is it healthy to be thinking about reconnecting with another man's wife?

honour

PS For the record the divorce was at her instigation, at full speed and do not pass Go.

Honour, my friend, I am going to take this once in a blue moon opportunity to issue a 2 x 4 across the pond to you.  I detect a great deal of anger in your posts lately and rightfully so.  The sword of righteous indignation is yours to wield after what you've been through, but I also detect a great deal of pain as well.  Now, I had an epiphany tonight in that you used to talk about how you feel your W may be being manipulated by a sociopathic higher-up in her company.  I put that together with the fact that she is a Vanisher and has had little to no contact with you for several months.  So, would it not stand to reason that the picture she has of you is likely being painted by the OM and would it not be conceivable that she may be being manipulated to see your lack of contact as either your approval of her new marriage or that you have moved on to someone else?  So, here is my 2 x 4 - WHY NOT TAKE ACTION?  What do you have to lose?  You're divorced and your kids are grown so she can't hurt you any more than she already has.  Find her and contact her, and I don't mean text or email as you never know who is responding and it may be OM.  Drive or fly to where she is and get at least some uninterrupted time with her.  Let her know what her choices truly are.  Make sure she knows that you still want her despite what has happened and that you believe the two of you can make it work.  Hell, look at how many years it DID work!  Let her know you disagree with her decision and that you want her to be happy because you love her unconditionally.  Again, let her SEE THIS IN PERSON!!  I'm not thinking of romanticized storylines in movies here but rather making sure you've truly done all you could.  If she goes through with it then you will have the closure that you so sorely lack.

Again, WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO LOSE?

[StillStanding]

The LBS has a difficult enough time post BD just hanging on to life without being burdened and confused further by implied criticism that not wishing to participate (whether the decision is taken immediately or at a later stage) in a relationship with an adulterer is somehow an unfair, unloving or irrationally extreme position to take.

There's a difference between what we imply and what you infer.

Sure, there are people who are Standing for their marriages because their faith, or the vows they swore to their spouses, compel them to do so. And they may point this out to people who share those ideals but are wavering in their commitment.

Speaking for myself? I have never told people that they are bad or immoral for not Standing. In fact, I've said the exact opposite: whether you choose to Stand or not, I support your decision. I do urge caution in jumping to conclusions or making decisions in the heat of the moment, but the only time I can think of where I have pushed someone to consider the moral ramifications of divorcing, it was someone who had specifically stated that their beliefs did not allow for divorce but was wavering in their commitment.

I don't think that Standing is appropriate in every situation; and I think people can Stand for bad reasons as well as good. RCR has mentioned one case where a woman whose Stand effectively killed her, because she never did the healing that she needed to do.

I appreciate this site is for Standers [...]

And people who come here should respect the feelings and decisions of people who choose to Stand.

[Trustandlove]

I'm going to digress from the current discussion for a moment to go back to what was being talked about earlier, that female MLCers do this because they've felt that they've looked after everyone else and now it is their turn, while men have different reasons.....

Actually, one of the things that my MLCer has said, at least in the beginning, is "what about me?"  It's like he is more like the females in that respect....  it's like he feels that he's done what has been expected, and now he's entitled (yes, that is there) to do what he wants.

About 6 months after BD he said that what he liked about his new life was that he could come home from work and do whatever he liked, rather than what he had to do.  Even now he still seems to resent the fact that he has to be responsible, if only financially, for us. 

Now he's cycled all over the place since then, but as this is a discussion on the differences (or similarities?) between male and female MLCers, I thought I'd throw that in. 

[mercury]

Wow Ready you opened up a can of worms on your sight. Here I've been missing it.
 
First off, I think it is great that you are trying to piece together the differences between male and female MLCers. I believe it will help. I think you will find some interesting differences but a lot of similarities. Selfishness is the foundation of this crisis, we see it over and over again, in different forms but in every one of them.  I hope you are able to find the answer that your are searching for.

As some of you know, I was a stander and now I'm not and am going to be filing the Divorce. I have complete respect for anyone who stands, because it is a very difficult path to walk. I don't care if you make it one week, a few months or years, fought the D or didn't, you stood up for yourself, your values, your heart, and your marriage.  You chose to do something that is against norms with our society.  You loved someone enough.

[readytofixmyselffirst]

That is what I am famous for, stirring things up!

Actually, I was researching items about MLC and came across an article that dealt with MLC in women as opposed to men. The reason why the authors wrote the article was that in their opinions there were differences as our society has programmed women and men to view their roles differently. Men seem more preoccupied with going back to resolve past issues while women are more concerned about individuality after children leave the home.

From my w's perspective, she has nothing. She feels empty and she feels guilty about whatever she does. Until she can realize that her life is disappearing without purpose or aim, she is always going to be lost.

That is because my w has not found or heard of Jesus or the redemption of one's soul through Christ. Since she is no longer in the light of GOD, she is in the darkness. I can not lead her to this point. It will be her choice and hers alone. She must find her own purpose and hopefully, she will no longer see our marriage or me as a obstacle to her own growth.

I am sorry about your situation, but I am glad that you have come to a resolution.

((((((hugs))))))