[honour]

Then certainly in your case she wouldn't need to be there to pick up any pieces

If "being there" meant being geographically or physically present was a prerequisite for being willing and able to help and give support, then this forum community wouldn't work.

Agreed

A point being as her father, you teach her important life lessons.....forgiveness, how to treat others and relational skills included.

She is one of the most caring, compassionate people I know; she is a health care professional, knows how to treat others and has good relational skills. She will forgive in her own time. I can not "teach" her how to interact with her mother, a woman I know longer know. That is between the two of them.

honour

[In this for ME]

I don't know if what I'm teaching my daughters is forgiveness.. but I'm trying not to send the wrong message.

Example Thanksgivng 2010 he wanted to come for dinner. The b!tch was still here. First I said yes..it was selfish on my part then I told him no. I told him I wasn't willing to have him sit at a table with me and our daughters and then leave to go back up here with her. It showed NO RESPECT for myself or them.

And I wouldn't tolerate that behavior from a son- in -law either. If I was invited to my adult daughters house for Thanksgiving and some whacked out MLCER they married sat there at the table with my grandchildren and I knew he was living with some useless s!ut I would leave. Probably not before I told him EXACTLY what I thought of him though.

These MLCers have to forgive themselves FIRST!! We can tell them or try to show them we forgive them from now until the cows come home and it won't work unless THEY WANT TO TRY to understand why they did what they did...make whatever sense of it..accept it...and forgive THEMSELVES!!

[Dontgiveup]

There are times it's very appropriate to say no.

Forgiveness is about more than the MLCer.

RCR has a good article on the subject.

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/self-focus_unconditionals_forgiveness.html

[Finding Hope]

I too wonder what message Im sending my d's. I have always told them that if they are with someone that doesnt treat them with respect, tenderness, love. Show that they appreciate them, that they dont deserve them.

Here I am, staying with a man that said that he didnt want me, wanted a divorce and was willing to throw his family away. They were the ones that showed me he was talking with "friends". They are the ones that came to me and said, "dad is sneeking around talking on the phone" They are the ones that caught him on more then one occasion and when they asked him about it, lied to them.

I try to tell them that I'm still here because I love dad and Im taking this time to work on me. But, they are constantly asking me, what's going to happen. We all live, waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I know it weighs on them. For as long as I can remember I have told them not to put up with all the things that I have. Lying, deceiving, betraying. So, I do worry that I am sending them the wrong message.

Honestly, I any of my girls were dating a man that constantly lied, betrayed them I would tell them to run in the opposite direction.


FH

[Dontgiveup]

Honestly, I any of my girls were dating a man that constantly lied, betrayed them I would tell them to run in the opposite direction.

I would too.

In MLC framework, we are talking about spouses who are going through an emotional/identity crisis typically after many years of marriage as opposed to a dating relationship.

[Finding Hope]

DGU,

I understand that, but my girls don't. I once tried to explain to them that dad was going through something that he needed to figure out himself. I mentioned MLC, they both rolled their eyes.

I feel in some ways I need to protect my h in regards to telling them too much about MLC. I know that they would not believe me. I had thought once about showing them this site and letting them read for themselves but that would expose me. My h found me on here once. This is my safe place.

They see his strange behaviour, sitting in his truck, staying on the computer. At first they thought it was wierd, now it's the new normal for dad. I worry alot about what my girls are thinking. I try to talk to him about it but, they dont want to. I think sometimes they are dissappointed in me.

They both say that you and dad are the white elephant in the room. I try as best I can to make this a "normal" for them as possible and just take the brunt of it. Keep them from seeing him in a different way.

I do have to say that the last 8 months or so he is getting closer to them. Does things for them that he would never had done before. For this they are happy.

Whatever happens between them, good or bad, I try to stay out of it. Im not the fixer anymore. But, being the mom, it doesnt stop me from worrying.

FH

[Synicca]

FH,

Just wanted to chime on here with regards to talking to our kids about MLC...First, I have tried to tell "adults" about MLC and I have gotten A TON of eye rolling...It holds that stigma of buying a sports car and dating a 20 year old..I hated that....but I just would say
ok, believe what you want, but dont come to me IF it happens to you, a good friend of mine, who has a husband that has NEVER
cheated...is dealing with some internal emotional stuff, he told my H a few weeks ago that while working out of town.

he fell apart and just sobbed for no reason...I had once said to his wife, It could happen to you and she said "no way, he would NEVER cheat on me" I said " well, that doesnt mean anything when it comes to MLC" SHe doesnt believe me.

But now that I see her husband is "going through something" I am expecting a big fallout within the next year or two.
When my H told me about his breakdown...he said " Do you think he is hitting MLC too?"

Anyway, I know I have gotten off topic...ugh sorry...Sometimes you just have to walk away from people who just dont understand, but when it is our kids, I think we are thier "teachers" about life at ANY age. so explaining MLC to them and maybe even getting
paperwork...printouts of facts about MLC, just might help to back your "story" up..Get them to understand this isnt a JOKE.
This is REAL LIFE and it can happen to ANYONE! including them in the future.

sorry for rambleing.

[Alwaysthere]

My S 21 doesn't want to discuss any of this at all. So I leave him alone.  On the other hand I have been very open and honest with my D19.  Although she does not agree with my standing she always says she understands.  Both my son and daughter have stated that they think it would be weird if my H came back.  But on further discussion that is because the do not believe the "new" H belongs with me.   Even commenting he is strange now.   

However, if things were to Change with H's behavior I believe they would come around. They would be apprehensive and suspicious.

[kikki]

I have asked my D now 14...( 12 at BD ) how she views what I have done over the last 2 years with regards to My H...

She doesnt think I am some sort of doormat, She actually understood that daddy was/is sick and I was standing by him
"in sickness and in health" and that I have forgiven him but by NO means was what he did RIGHT. My H has even discussed
his behaviour recently with her and he said that it was up to HIM to make it right with me...(and her) and told her that what
he did was VERY wrong.

This is a very good point Syn. I am sure the children will be far more open to accepting of it if/when they hear responsibility and a heartfelt apology from their MLC parent.

Just wanted to chime on here with regards to talking to our kids about MLC...First, I have tried to tell "adults" about MLC and I have gotten A TON of eye rolling...It holds that stigma of buying a sports car and dating a 20 year old..I hated that....but I just would say
ok, believe what you want, but dont come to me IF it happens to you, a good friend of mine, who has a husband that has NEVER
cheated...is dealing with some internal emotional stuff, he told my H a few weeks ago that while working out of town.

he fell apart and just sobbed for no reason...I had once said to his wife, It could happen to you and she said "no way, he would NEVER cheat on me" I said " well, that doesnt mean anything when it comes to MLC" SHe doesnt believe me.

But now that I see her husband is "going through something" I am expecting a big fallout within the next year or two.
When my H told me about his breakdown...he said " Do you think he is hitting MLC too?"

Anyway, I know I have gotten off topic...ugh sorry...Sometimes you just have to walk away from people who just dont understand, but when it is our kids, I think we are thier "teachers" about life at ANY age. so explaining MLC to them and maybe even getting
paperwork...printouts of facts about MLC, just might help to back your "story" up..Get them to understand this isnt a JOKE.
This is REAL LIFE and it can happen to ANYONE! including them in the future.

I also second this. 
I also have a couple of friends who are quite opinionated about my H's behaviour, and don't want a bar of MLC theory. I sadly am watching signs of MLC in their spouses too. 

[Anjae]

DGU, nothing wrong with teaching forgiveness and reconciliation but I think it is difficult to make people on their mid/late teens or early 20’s to be so patient and considering as we are. Are remember how my husband reacted towards is dad OW (not MLC, FIL is a certified philanderer). And I know I would react at that age if my mum or dad had a MLC and, then, were taken back.  I would have not respect the parent that had accepted the MLCer back and probably would had despised the MLCer parent.

Some things only come with time/age/life experience. I know I wouldn’t have had a problem with a regular affair (my uncle had OW and that never kept me apart from him or my aunt and I never hold a thing against the by then OW, now wife). But a regular affair, even if it ends in divorce, is totally different from MLC. The spouse that has the affair does not treat the spouse the way our MLCers treat us. In a regular affair the cheater normally tries to sort things out.

True, MLC is different from a dating relationship or a short time marriage but I think most kids don’t see that much of a difference. Plus, they know the abuse we’ve been through and how their parent abandoned them. It is not an easy thing to deal with.

Kikki, remembering me and my cousins when we were young, doubt and heartfelt apology from the MLCer would do it. More than responsibility, kids want actions, they need to see things.

Syn, It is not easy to try to explain MLC to adults. Most people don’t get it and some never will. Some get it and are not willing to accept it or to care about it. Maybe your friend will get it now, maybe she just choose to divorce and move forward.

As for kids, not certain given them paperwork printouts and so on is such a good idea. They are kids, they have their lives, they don’t want to know about it. My younger brother is 21, he is an intelligent young man, he cannot care less about husband’s MLC. His view is: he is an idiot, he deserves to loose everything, no way I’m ever going to respect that fool again. Pretty much what would had been my view when I was 21.