[TrustingMyHP]

LL,

Thank you for that wonderful "deconstruction" of BirdSoul's post. 

I strongly identified with many of BirdSoul's points, especially the total lack of remorse, reaction of in-laws, and strong belief that H will marry OW.

Your comments were calming and so very to the point.  Exactly what I needed to hear right now.

Thank you!

TMHP

[FindingJoJo]

As far as what your friends and family think of your Stand or worrying about you being used or taken advantage of, reassure them that you are in control of your situation; that you are concerned about him taking advantage of you.

Remind them (and yourself!) that you are Standing by choice, and that you can end this any time you want.

Good advice - I recently told a friend of mine that I didn't understand why people think I should follow their timeline.  I personally was fine with my situation, my focus on me and like they said with the marriage Divorce is a piece of paper.  H had to follow his own path and his own journey I was doing mine.  He was 400 miles away so what was the big deal.  They quickly shut it down mainly I think because they couldn't figure out why it was to follow their timeline not mine....lol.

[toughtimes]

Great answer to friends and family pushing for this or that .... Why do you feel I have to follow your timeline?

I must say, I was a terrible mess for 3 months after Bd and many friends and all my family were frustrated with me for not filing for D, my B actually had a conversation with me where he said "basically you need to go back to the solicitor and say I want this all sorted in 6 weeks!". Six months later Hs stuff is still here, I have a much clearer sense of my own ability to make the right decision based upon what's best for me and the children. So heavy handed advice with someone who is so broken and vulnerable is so unfair. Friends and family felt angry and powerless I think. Maybe we should go back to the days where your family go and "give him a bloody good hiding"  only joking!
It's all about reassuring them we are okay and in control (kind of :-/)

[calamity]

Your comments were calming and so very to the point.  Exactly what I needed to hear right now.

Yes.  Calm is what is needed. 

TT today I wrote in my journal:

I need to stop talking to others about my situation at all.  It just makes me doubt myself & I take on others’ beliefs about what has happened—his view in fact:  he fell in love with someone else.  This makes me the victim & I refuse to play this role.

Family & friends want you to stop hurting & the only way they know is to divorce & move on.  I am the only one who really knows my h & realises how weird all this really is.  I trust my instincts but I am vulnerable to suggestions from others.  I will keep my own counsel from now on, except for people here! 

Mamma Bear said on someone's post:

Just open the kitchen door and let the rabid MLCer junkyard dog run wild thru the neighborhood until he's too tired and drops. MB

[toughtimes]

I need to stop talking to others about my situation at all.  It just makes me doubt myself & I take on others’ beliefs about what has happened—his view in fact:  he fell in love with someone else.  This makes me the victim & I refuse to play this role.

Family & friends want you to stop hurting & the only way they know is to divorce & move on.  I am the only one who really knows my h & realises how weird all this really is.  I trust my instincts but I am vulnerable to suggestions from others.  I will keep my own counsel from now on, except for people here! 

Mamma Bear said on someone's post:

Just open the kitchen door and let the rabid MLCer junkyard dog run wild thru the neighborhood until he's too tired and drops. MB

Hi Calamity you are absolutely right, and i love mamma bears post .... just wonder how long i can keep the kitchen door open? xx

[StillStanding]

Hi Calamity you are absolutely right, and i love mamma bears post .... just wonder how long i can keep the kitchen door open? xx

Assuming that your spouse isn't a drain on your finances (you can make ends meet),
and that your spouse isn't a danger to you or any children you may have, whether the danger is physical or emotional,
why can't you Stand forever, or at least until they are through their crisis?

[toughtimes]

Hi Calamity you are absolutely right, and i love mamma bears post .... just wonder how long i can keep the kitchen door open? xx

Assuming that your spouse isn't a drain on your finances (you can make ends meet),
and that your spouse isn't a danger to you or any children you may have, whether the danger is physical or emotional,
why can't you Stand forever, or at least until they are through their crisis?

My H is frighteningly irresponsible with mOney and so with my kids financial security in mind I will have to go to mediation and reach some sort of financial settlement. I'm scared of this but cannot take the weekly threats to take the car and give him half our savings. So although I would love to drag it out longer as he is saying I need to protect myself and my kids from total financial mess.

[FindingJules]

After all this time (and I know - in comparison with others here - my time has been short) - I no longer think about it in terms of a return.  I trust the process.  I accept that my H will move through the tunnel (or not) at his own pace.  I accept that I cannot control or fix it.  I believe that he will continue escape and avoid - until it no longer "works" for him - and, hopefully, he will come to a point where he will address his issues.  I hope, for him, he reaches that point.  I accept that it has little to do with me....and I cannot fix or control it.

Definitely what we all need to remind ourselves of!!  This breakdown was AWESOME because like you said, this is really where all of us are.  Thank you for taking the time to do that Limitless.  Since BD, I have thought he would come back...maybe because of my faith in him, maybe because of what he said or did during BD...but I thought he would come back eventually.  I did think it would be by now.  But, then I found this site...and it all makes sense (the nonsensicalness of it!).  It is a process...and I can see how he NEEDS to move through it.  I just sure wish there was a fast forward button (where he actually goes through it but I don't have to watch it).

I get from A LOT of people I shouldn't stand.  I know I should.  Sometimes I feel like I stand because I SHOULD, sometimes I feel like I stand because I don't have anything better to do (can you IMAGINE getting into a relationship right now!?!  EXHAUSTING!).  I go back and forth.  I figure at some point what I "should" or "shouldn't" do will be made really clear to me....so I'll deal with that decision then.

[Slow Fade]

I totally agree. Most people look at me like I'm from Mars when I tell them that not only am I standing, but that  I allow my MLC'r who  thinks he has moved out, still come home every night and stay on the weekends. Granted we sleep in separate bedrooms, but he's around more now then when I thought we were happily married.....He is definitely a boomerang!

[StillStanding]

My H is frighteningly irresponsible with mOney and so with my kids financial security in mind I will have to go to mediation and reach some sort of financial settlement. I'm scared of this but cannot take the weekly threats to take the car and give him half our savings. So although I would love to drag it out longer as he is saying I need to protect myself and my kids from total financial mess.

My question was hypothetical and intended for discussion.

Of course, if your husband is being irresponsible or dangerous, that can affect your choice to Stand.

If you read the new blog post from RCR, her definition of Standing is straightforward: you live as though you are married. That doesn't mean you should put yourself or your children at risk—it's not about how your spouse is choosing to live right now, it's about you. You can get divorced and continue to Stand. As RCR points out, there are people who choose to Stand for the rest of their lives, regardless or whether or not they reconcile with their spouse.

You need to make decisions that you can live with, both in terms of protecting yourself and living by your principles.