Bird Soul,
I wanted to comment on your post...as it contains just about every fear the LBS can and does have. What you have posted has so many similarities to things I have thought (on and off) thoughout the past 2+ years.
My ex-H is a Vanisher. He blindsided me, left, and never looked back.
That is the thing about Bomb Drop and why it is called Bomb Drop. It comes out of nowhere! We don't see it coming. It is one of the litmus tests (in my opinion) that helps confirm MLC.
As far as "never looking back" - it is too early to really make that call. BD was December 2010. By all calculations - your H is still in Replay (run and avoid). Not looking back, at this point, would be normal.
I am 12 years older than he is. When we dated/married, he thought nothing of it. But at BD, I think it weighed on him. Oddly though, OW is 7 years older than he is.
I think you challenged your own point, in this comment. He told you (at BD) the fact you are older than he was an issue. Yet, his OW is also older than he. At BD, it could have been that you were 6' tall, or had brown hair, or cooked meat on Fridays. It doesn't matter. They look for reasons (however ridiculous) to support their feelings. It's not about how old you are. It never was.
He jumped into EA/PA with OW and has shown NO AMBIVALENCE. Only a desire to deepen the relationship with her. At BD, he barely knew her.
Very typical of the MLC affair. And the fact that he barely knew her is also indicative of MLC. One would think (someone logical) that, in order to leave your marriage, a person would need to really know their affair partner...and really have taken the time to confirm that it isn't just a "fantasy."
But, MLCers thrive on the fantasy. Not really knowing her is par for the course.
H filed for D as soon as he legally could.
Some MLCers do this...some do not. He sounds like he was/is high energy. He could have had pressure from OW. Who knows? What the MLCer does, while in Replay, is not an indicator of whether or not he/she will return. I do, however, believe that what the MLCer does in Replay can be an indicator of whether or not the MLCer has anyone to return to. Some LBS are not able to forgive. I certainly understand this. But, in order to Stand, you need to be able to forgive and let go of the pain.....when the time is right.
He went public to famiily and work colleagues with affair right away. While we were still married. H moved far away and in with OW even before D finalized. He has shown no shame or remorse.
Another sign of high energy. As far as the shame or remorse - he's not at that point, yet. He is in run and avoid. At this point, he is probably still blaming you. He cannot have shame or remorse for something he has not yet faced.
His family has dropped me completly.Even though they always professed to love me.
My H's family did the same. They also did this to our kids.
I think this was one of the worst of betrayals for me. I had been in their family for 30 years. It was like I didn't exist.
They seemed to take his side. My MIL was angry at my kids - for being mean to their father!
It took a while. At least a year or so. I think his family sees things differently now. I think they can see that something is "not right" with their Son. They have been kinder to the kids. They have even reached out to me a few times.
It seems that this type of treatment from the MLCers family is more like the norm. It's the old "blood is thicker than water" adage. This is their Son. For him to walk out on his family - I had to have been miserable to live with, right?
This doesn't make it right....but the in-laws are stuck in the middle and I am not their child. They choose sides. And, I believe, some (most?), will regret that decision.
I believe he will marry OW. It may eventually fail. But I think he is full steam ahead.
I'm glad that you can see that it (may) will eventually fail. This is a "relationship" built on lies and deceit. It will have very little chance of suvival.
Whether or not he will marry the OW - I guess time will tell. You are already divorced. Why, I wonder, has he not already done so? He has been really high energy. A quick marriage would be consistent. But, remember, MLCers are very inconsistent.
I hope that he does not take this step. But, there are several on this site whose MLCers have married the OW. That doesn't change that they are in crisis. And, it doesn't bring the all ellusive happiness that they seek.
I just don't see him coming back to me.
Ah! There it is! You said it! The deep fear that all of us (many of us) have on a daily basis.
I think that is the crux of it. We don't see the MLCer returning.
I believe that, for me, I just have to put my trust in the MLC process. (Which is pretty well documented on this site, other sites, and many books).
After all this time (and I know - in comparison with others here - my time has been short) - I no longer think about it in terms of a return. I trust the process. I accept that my H will move through the tunnel (or not) at his own pace. I accept that I cannot control or fix it. I believe that he will continue escape and avoid - until it no longer "works" for him - and, hopefully, he will come to a point where he will address his issues. I hope, for him, he reaches that point. I accept that it has little to do with me....and I cannot fix or control it.
I don't think, at this point, either of us can really predict what our MLCer will (or won't) do when they come to the later stages. How they are now - is not indicative of who they will be in the future.
I also think it is normal to feel as you do. I feel that way, as well, when I allow my fear and doubts to run amuk in my head.
You gave all the "logical" reasons why a return would not be possible in your H's case. MLC is not logical.
Thanks for sharing your post.
Hugs,
L
Why stand when you could move on?
Author
Topic: