[Trustandlove]

I joined this forum when it first started some 2.5 years ago, and I titled my first thread "somewhere in the middle.....".  I remember thinking back then that well, I'm about 3 years in, I figure I have about 2 more left....

I somehow had the idea that by 5 years surely this would be sorted!  And this from me, who was even saying "throw away the calendar" and so on. 

I remember at about 6 months in meeting someone whose H had done this and returned after a little over 5 years; I remember then thinking "NO WAY" -- at 2.5 years I started to get it, but I guess I still had some kind of timeline in my head.

What I'm finding now is that this is STILL the middle.  My H is now divorcing me; back to high-energy monster after spending a long time not being one.  I used to always think that divorce would mean that I had failed, that it really was over. 

Now I know that for him, it's just another thing to try to do -- it's clear that he's still floundering and this is another straw to grasp at.   It's another phase.   (not a pleasant one, I might add...)

As for me, I've found that so much progress is only seen in the rear view mirror.  During this time I HAVE established a life, and a good one.  The fact that I've chosen not to look for a new partner is only part of that; for me that would create a whole host of complications that I really don't want. 

Like xy, I still feel it; I also sometimes wonder why on earth I am crying?  But I have learned so much more than ever to live in the moment and to try to deal with things as they arise, rather than trying so hard to anticipate every eventuality. 

That metaphor where they say that the MLCer starts out on Wednesday, is away on Thursday and on Friday wonders what on earth happened is so true -- the part where Thursday is unbelievably long. 

So this is Thursday.  But I'm not standing still, waiting; I have accepted that he will do what he will do, and no longer go along with everything to keep the peace.   I'm truly doing what is best for me, no longer thinking about what I should do in case he comes back.  That took a long time, btw. 

So I'm less placating -- I've also been much more open and honest with my children, teaching them to express how they really feel, teaching that you can love a person but not his or her actions.  I tell them that if he gets upset about something they say, let him.  He has to deal with it.  I encourage them to tell me what they think about my actions as well, btw, and not to be afraid of my reaction. 

That rear view mirror has also shown me that I have been constant and consistent overall, again something which only becomes apparent over time.  That's now paying dividends with my children and others, even those who earlier on said "oh, just go find someone else" and so on.  They are starting to get it. 

There really is a lot to say here....  this is the part where we learn to be ourselves, I think. 

[poussin]

Unfortunately I can join my situation to this thread.
But on the other hand I'm glad I'm in the middle. In the beginning I functionned with a lot of hurt and pain, now I learned to live with hurt and pain.
What will be the outcome, I don't know, but for the moment I'm better off than my H.
Most of the time I'm not angry anymore, I still love my H but this person doesn't act like my H.
It's good that Limitless started this topic, it showes how much we all growned and learned how to deal with this Sh.. 

Hugs
Poussin

[Trustandlove]

on the other hand I'm glad I'm in the middle 

Poussin, I really like this!  -- it's both a positive attitude and just generally accepting that this is what life is like right now. 

I remember one friend, years ago, when her son was diagnosed with a horrible illness, responding to me asking if she ever thought "why me?" with "why not me?"  She took that line that:  what made her so special that she was exempt from life's difficulties?  At the time I was dumbfounded, now I really see the point. 

[What Next]

XYZCF,

I could copy your entire post here, it made perfect sense to me and reflects exactly where I am right now.

I think we need to spend a bit more time reflecting on just that, where WE are right now and a great deal less on the MLCer.

If this thread is to discuss how we navigate 'the middle' for ourselves I'm on board. 

X

[LearningIamOk]

Great stuff here that we can all relate to. I would classify my place as the beginning of the middle. I am 23 mos from BD 1. H returned home for 2 weeks and then left again 6  weeks later on Feb 14, 2011. The pain in the beginning is excrutiating. It has become for me a dull ache that sometimes I can forget is there. Progress, definitely.

The middle is so very frustrating with nothing changing either to the good or bad. I have no reason to push the envelope as H pays for everything here without legal intervention. Why pay lawyers to achieve the same outcome?

I am not sure that I don't want a new relationship at some point, but for now I have my friends and plenty to keep me occupied with. My H seems to be "content" with his life as well although there is no OW that I know of. I feel he is still blaming me and the life we had together for his unhappiness.

I still have my own confusion as to what do I ultimately want. I was asked yesterday at my review at work, where do I see myself in a couple of years. I know they meant at work, and answered in kind, but I hesitated for a moment and thought about my life in general. Where do I see myself in 2 yrs? I honestly can't answer that.

[GBM]

I am way beyond the middle, as I have been at this for over 6 years.  I don’t remember exactly when I no longer felt in limbo but I know that it has been a long time.  I think it was like any other stage in my journey.  I would revisit that limbo state but only for a short time, and then I’d realize that despite myself, I had learned a thing or two, and I’d realize that I wasn’t stuck at all.  I was exactly where I was because of the choices that I had made, and the choices I made were good ones. 

I learned the difference between feeling sad, and pining away for something or someone that is out of my control.  There are things in my life that I am not particularly fond of, but I accept that I can’t do anything about them.  I find joy in my life anyway.  There is a sadness that resides in my heart for what has happened to not only myself but my whole family, but there’s plenty of room in there for the love that I feel everyday. I am not stuck in my pain. I accept it, and even embrace it as a part of me, and my history.  There is honor, love, commitment, many lessons I have learned, and some beautiful things came out of that pain. 

I realized that I wasn’t in limbo when I knew that I had made my choices about how to handle things according to my own values and what I felt in my heart, and not because I was waiting for anything from him. 

I don’t think that I could ever feel in limbo again for any length of time.  Maybe feeling stuck is when you feel some unrest and your indecisive as to how to make yourself feel better?  It’s all a matter of perception I think.  Being in the middle implies that you are waiting for the end.   The only end is when we pass on.  In the meantime, I had better not spend my life wishing for something that may or may not happen.  That goes for a lot more than just wishing my xh would get with the program. 

When I can envision myself rejecting xh and feel no regrets about giving “us” every chance possible, is when I will know that I am ready for a relationship with someone else.  That is a choice for me, and it gives me a great deal of satisfaction that I have given it the time that I have.  I am in the driver’s seat; he isn’t.

Perhaps being in the middle is where we learn the most?  We learn more about ourselves and learn to not only accept but also embrace everything about ourselves. 

Thank you for this discussion.  It really caused me to think about where I am now. 

[LearningIamOk]

Posted by: GBM

Perhaps being in the middle is where we learn the most?  We learn more about ourselves and learn to not only accept but also embrace everything about ourselves. 

I think this quote by GBM is pretty profound. I do think the middle is where we learn the most about ourselves. We have pretty much gotten over the shock-and-awe we felt in the beginning and can now take a more honest look at ourselves. The focus has shifted from the world revolving around Insano the Magnificent, a/k/a our MLCer, to us. How cool is that? We get to start thinking about us.

[Slow Fade]

I used to always think that divorce would mean that I had failed, that it really was over. 

Now I know that for him, it's just another thing to try to do -- it's clear that he's still floundering and this is another straw to grasp at.   It's another phase.   (not a pleasant one, I might add...)

I'm at the beginning of the beginning, but its comforting to see progress in all of you and to know that I will survive! The quote from Trust and Love really gave me some peace. I felt the same way and couldn't understand how divorce could not be the end and now I get it! Thank you! 

[B]

I do understand that this process takes years and years and years....that neither of us are the same people anymore...that the hurt caused will never totally be erased. You learn that to live means that you cannot really choose between the good or the bad...they are both part of living and we really need to embrace both in order to understand the fullness of life.

Yes this - how incredibly poignant. 

I have no clue where I am.  Does his BD1 in Nov 2011 count?  Do I count it from Aug 2012 when I got BD2?  I don't really know.  I find I look to the future and see a life with him around the peripheries but not in it.  Maybe that's because it's the way it's been the last 2 years anyway? 

I've stopped calling him my H to people because I don't want them to tell him I'm stuck.  I saw a friend of his today and he told me how H had told him how incredibly happy he is.  His friend said he was "glad he was happy, don't we all deserve that B?"  I just smiled and said "sure we do" and walked away feeling sick. 

I've learnt to live here and now.  I can make some plans but it has been liberating to not worry about the small stuff I used to obsess over, that I thought was so important.  So I'm not sure if this is the beginning or the middle.  Or to quote Winston Churchill, maybe it's the "end of the beginning" - all I know is that what will be will be.     

[Peony2012]

I think I'm in the middle... I'm 2 years and 2 months post BD... I don't know, is it the middle? Who knows...
I must say I feel quite comfortable right now. I've made my nest in the middle! 

I haven't seen H since July - that was more or less when I started telling him to 'do whatever he felt was right' - and since then, nothing has happened.

I don't really cry that much anymore. I just don't go 'there' at the moment. I've put all that in a little box and locked it away. This way it can't hurt me.

My life is good. I live in our house and H still pays half of the mortgage - he's left me with the car and all the other bills to pay but until now I've managed. I'm proud of that.

I've managed to concentrate on ME. It took me a very long time. I have found some kind of comfort in all this madness. There's structure. I have a lovely circle of friends, I do my yoga, I've found myself again. I have learnt so much already and I'm learning more every day. I feel very blessed right now.

I was at a friends house having tea last night and all of a sudden she looked at me and said: "You are a different person!!!!" And I said "What do you mean?" And she said "Everything. Everything about you compared to 2 years ago is different. Not only the way you look (I've lost 30 lbs and cut and coloured my hair, went from blonde to bordering on black!), everything about you has changed." And then she gave me a great compliment, she said: "You have just taken what life has thrown at you and turned it around, looked at all the mess and said BRING IT ON! That is a great gift to have."

And she's right.. I survived. I never thought I would. I remember those nights, when I cried so hard that I thought I had to throw up.

Today I know how dependent I was on him. And I've learned that my life's happiness cannot depend on someone else.

I am grateful for the experience.

As for H, I truly don't know what he will do next. What I know now though, is that deep down inside, he was and is a good person and I would be blessed to have another chance to spend the rest of my life with him. I have accepted that that is not in my hands though and I will be happy either way.

peony xxx