[JAG]

I am REALLY upset.  I am not able to REALLY comprehend the fact that my H treats our son in a certain way and our daughter in another.  Yes, he TRIES a little to engage our daughter and he does come an hour when our son is in school to JUST be with our daughter.  HOWEVER, when he walks into the house, he runs to our son, lifts him in the air, hugs him for a few moments gives him TONS of kisses and then turns to our daughter and says "hi" and tickles her stomach...ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

For those of you who are further along in this process or have an MLCer who has come out of the tunnel....has this happened to you? If it has, does it get better? How should I handle it? Will me saying something change anything? I have told him before and he has said it wasn't true and he started monstering at me (not that I care)....but he WON'T accept the message.  Should I have my father tell him something?

[toughtimes]

jag, just a thought .... MLC is all about him, he's selfish. If it was all his way he wouldn't have to do anything to get what he feels he deserves, constant attention. with the kids it's their attention and devotion. He gets that adoration from your S. He doesn't have to do much to get his adoration back. Your D however is too young, its all about her at this stage, she can't give him anything so he cannot be bothered. He has to give to her and gets nothing in return. I bet his attitude changes when your D starts being much more interactive, talking and such.

just a thought ?

[JAG]

TT,

I know you have a son who is 7 and a daughter who is 2.  You have mentioned that your H started his crisis around the time your D was 6 months old.  How is his relationship with the kids? Does he treat them the same? Does he prefer his son because he is older and can (as you say) give him more of the adoration? Or does he prefer his daughter because his son is now starting to realize something is wrong with his dad while a 2 year old does not?

If there questions are too personal, just ignore them...please.  Do not feel forced to answer them....just some thoughts I have been having. 

[toughtimes]

TT,

I know you have a son who is 7 and a daughter who is 2.  You have mentioned that your H started his crisis around the time your D was 6 months old.  How is his relationship with the kids? Does he treat them the same? Does he prefer his son because he is older and can (as you say) give him more of the adoration? Or does he prefer his daughter because his son is now starting to realize something is wrong with his dad while a 2 year old does not?

If there questions are too personal, just ignore them...please.  Do not feel forced to answer them....just some thoughts I have been having.

Hi jag,

My story is that my H started his business during my pregnancy. Pregnancy was tough and baby very precious (I had ivf for d and had a number of miscarriage scares). Had great birth and was happy so much to have her. I breast fed so she was very close to me. H was working more and more and staying out more and more. She was six months when he BD1. I was shocked. Anyway things plodded along, D slept in with me so H could sleep and get up with S5 at the time. He has said to me since Bd I never let him bond with her, I wouldn't let him near her. I took all the decisions wouldn't involve him. He wasn't really there and he did bond with her. Because he changed his way of working he was not in any way as hands on as he was with my S7. They were very close. Since my H started working so much 2.5 years ago my son had felt more and more upset about his dad not being around. He suffered at the beginning but seems bit more used to his dad being away now.

I think my H believes he wasn't allowed to bond with D but he was busy doing other things and I believe he thought she's very young anyway so it's no big deal. Now he is very close to her, and to be honest he lost the bond he had with his son 2 years ago. My son is feeling more positive about his dad lately as he sees him more regularly. My s is very sensitive, sweet and kind and I think felt very hurt by his dad. H says he suffered because of the atmosphere between us!!! I told my MiL and she said rubbish, she was here a fair bit and my parents are very nearby and never sensed an atmosphere because i don't think there was one. He just can't take responsibility for his choices.

Hi R with the kids is better than it was but over the summer he put himself first. Brought them presents every time he saw them and has a couple of occasions where he didn't see or contact them for 10 days as he was holidaying with ow (working).

I must say he loved the adoration. One of the things he said at bd1 was he felt like the only person who loved him was his son! He has issue with mother love and never felt unconditionally by anyone except his grandmother who died. I think he has female issues, mother, stepmother, me ... All enemies. Daughter is in a tricky position because she's a girl and is very close to me. He's good with her now. He looks after her when I'm at work on a Tuesday and Wednesday morning but doesn't do the sort of things he did with son. He checks his emails a lot and twitter and stuff (works) whilst looking after her.

Did I answer all your questions? I think my H had a very different R with S and D for a long time. When he talked about telling kids about his departure he never mentioned the impact it would have on D, only the effect it would have on son, he only wanted to talk to S on the phone until very recently. So I can relate to what you say very much.

So yes he treated th differently at first but it's changed and is changing. I realise as their mother the R they have with me is crucial especially in the early years. Dad R is important too but I know I have a huge responsibility to ensure I love them completely and unconditionally and that they know and feel that. I have been nothing but consistent and here for them which is what they need.

I think things will change with your H. Don't forget it's all about selfish self obsession and self indulgence at the moment. Just focus on you and you are a wonderful, wonderful mum, that's all they need at the moment. My friend said the dad comes into importance when they are teens! Well I would rather my H to be here I feel confident I have stepped up and tried to minimise the effect on kids.

Xxx

[kikki]

Hi Jag
My boys are all older - three years into this and now 15, 17 and 18.
It has been very rough for them, as they were previously very close to their Dad.

What TT said about him being self centred and wanting adoration is spot on.  I also have found, that my H finds it very difficult to concentrate on more than one of the boys at a time.
On top of the MLC trauma and betrayal, this has often added another layer of hurt for the boys.  After all of this time though, their expectations are very low and they dictate when/how they see him.

It really is heartbreaking watching the sadness for our kids, but you're a great Mum and are doing a great job of being their rock.   

[Thundarr]

It often appears to me that W treats D11 differently than D20 and S7, but at other times she "buddies up" with D20 and seems to want nothing to do with the little ones.  I can't think of her EVER favoring S7 or wanting to be with just him, but she has let D11 stay with her about half the time and D20 more often than that if she asks.  S7 has only spent less than 10 nights alone with her in the 18 months this has been going on, and most of those nights is because D11 didn't want to share attention with him.  W definitely picks and chooses, and like Kikki said she often seems to have trouble focusing on more than one at once.  I know she favors D20 because she takes care of herself whereas S7 actually needs some assistance due to his age.  It's heartbreaking to see them feeling rejected, but I make sure to tell them that Mommy loves them and what's going on has nothing to do with them.