[iamnottheenemy]

5 months post-BD, nearly to the day, and I got the message from H that he wants a D. 

We live in different countries, and neither of us is in our home country.

Choices of jurisdiction are Dominican Republic, UK and US (home).

I'm positive the only reason he wants DR is because it's quick and cheap.  It would have to be by mutual consent, and I'm not willing to give that.

UK, where I live, requires five years living apart when one spouse disagrees with the divorce.

US is our home country and requires a minimum of one year from the end of spousal relations.

Does anyone have any insight or advice into why one jurisdiction might be preferable to another?  The main factors I'm thinking about are division of property and debt, spousal and child support.

I was told by a lawyer in the US that I could expect one year of full alimony, then maybe three years of half support, and child support to age 18 plus college tuition. I would like to see part to half of H's 401k, or have that considered in marital assets, as that is the retirement savings for both of us, but he's the only one who worked full-time. What about joint debt?  I make 2% of what he makes.

How does UK compare?

Assuming this is script, I know he may or may not follow through, but it's certainly in my best interest to get this big initial decision right, and any input is greatly appreciated.



(Hi iante - I just changed the topic header to a discussion topic.  Kikki)

[toughtimes]

IANTE - you are in the UK? Go to see a lawyer or two or three now. I have seen three and all have offered good advice. I went to one straight away and felt absolutely bamboozled but I went again recently and understand!

From what I can gather the children come first with family law, that's the point of it. All marital assets will be taken into account. All joint debts will be taken into account. In the UK the child support agency will make your H pay 20% of his net salary for 2 kids and up to 20% spousal support.

I don't know anything about Family Law in the US or anywhere else, but only what I have gleaned from 3 visits to solicitors here in the UK. As I understand it it doesn't matter financially what the reason for separation were ...... a financial settlement as soon as possible could be in your and your children's best interests .... my H spent £4,500 of his money on fun and entertaining his OW in September and is now pushing for mediation to come to a financial settlement with me so that he can get his share of our joint assets (not that we have much).

Anything else I can remember or think of I will come back and jot down.

Good luck thinking of you, this is a difficult time but I know what you mean about the script.

[Trustandlove]

The best I can say is to go see a UK lawyer or three, as TT says.  They generally do charge for even the initial session, but it's probably worth it.  I know UK law takes all marital assets (and debts) into account, and also takes factors such as where one spouse has given up a career or has followed the other spouse or raised children into account. 

Precedent is also important in UK law, i.e. what the lifestyle was before he left, and what he has been paying since.   

US law varies from state to state, from what I know. 

That said, one thing I am also sure of is that each case is different, and I have heard absolutely everything, cases going in all directions, which is why you need to find a lawyer you can trust in the UK. 

Whether it is in your best interests or not to get a settlement quickly I can't say; there are arguments in both directions, which again is what a solicitor can advise you on. 

[I believe in angels]

Hi I am from the uk and although I am not in the process of divorce, I have been to a solicitor for advice and if I need to later I will go through with it. Uk law protects the children first within any divorce so if you go to the uk, make sure you get a solicitor who is a family law specialist. Most solicitors firms here have some family law stuff but a specialist in family law knows everything. It is a shame though that you have to go through this, divorce is stressful and expensive but if you go with it get the best deal you can for you and your children.

In uk law the above what everyone else said is true but also you can put an asset order on the divorce for future assets to be given to you if your h does not have much now and that us if you can prove that your lifestyle was different before separation etc, but it does cost. That will defo be my route if h does not cough up what he owes me. I have received nothing from my h in nearly one year and before that about 60p per child per day for two years previous. That is disgusting especially when h left a well paid job to earn peanuts. But I carry on and will sort things out later if I have to. I think my h knows what will come from a divorce financially which us probably why he hasn't done anything or mentioned it for almost a year.

Good luck and keep strong. X

[iamnottheenemy]

G Hewitt - Thanks, that's good to know about the asset order.  We have sizable debts (US property, credit cards), but H is a high earner and we are accustomed to a certain lifestyle (I can document multiple vacations each year, business class flights, etc.).  After consulting a US lawyer over the summer, I made a simple e-mail proposal in writing, which H agreed to, to pay the US bills from H's salary then split the remainder.  He has not been abiding by that.

I'm remembering some discussion here on the boards that certain jurisdictions prohibit a spouse from taking a lower paying job for the purpose of paying less maintenance?  Not sure, though.

Thanks also TT & T&L, good points all.

[honour]

UK, where I live, requires five years living apart when one spouse disagrees with the divorce.

In the UK he can still file against you within that five year period whether you consent to the divorce or not. You then have the option of contesting the divorce in court. If you win your case and the judge agrees with you that the divorce should not be granted then your H will have to wait the five years to get his divorce.

Defending a divorce is not for the faint hearted and is likely to be very expensive. So you may win, spend a huge amount of money in doing so only for your H to have his divorce a few years down the road anyway.

honour

[iamnottheenemy]

Thanks for the clarification, Honour.  Gives me something else to consider.

[Peony2012]

IANTE,

the very first lawyer I saw here (in the UK) said this:

"Well, I'm sorry you are here, but congratulations on getting married, you are lucky you are, the UK is the best country in the world for women to get a D"

She also said she has clients who are based in the US but get a D in the UK because it gives them more rights..

Now, I can't guarantee that it's true but I just thought I'd share!

Peonyxxx

[OldPilot]

I am going to throw in my .02 which is going to be a little counterintutive.
Maybe as a negotiating position you can offer him a divorce in the DR, quick, easy and cheap but he
will need to  give you a much better deal than what you would get in the UK.

In the end the divorce is just a piece of paper, your marriage was over at BD.
The question is how to best protect yourself and not slow down the MLC process.
The divorce proceedings can be fuel that feed the MLC fire.

TBH I hate giving this advice as I would probably not follow it myself but you need to protect yourself and
this will give you a better chance financially  to survive the divorce and protect your assets.

Food for thought.

[iamnottheenemy]

Thanks Peony and Old Pilot.  It does sound like the UK is a good place to file, if such a thing has to be done. And I do understand that it's just a piece of paper, and he may need it to rule out one other Escape & Avoid possibility that he can try.  I know our marriage is over, and I know I don't want him back the way he is now.  Getting a legally binding financial agreement in place is in my and D's best interest.

Old Pilot - I had to go out and run an errand, and was thinking along the same lines while I was out of the house.  If the UK guideline is 20% for spouse and 20% for kid plus a percentage of his future earnings, why not say something ridiculous like 2/3 of current and future income after debts are considered in exchange for his quickie D?  It's his mistake to make.