[leftylulu]

HB thanks for posting your journey through the tunnel. Mine has some similarities to your while mine is not as intense. It has had its moments though. I have suffered hot flashes since 35 now I'm almost 45 and night sweats started a couple days after 44. I went into my transistion I would say full swing those couple days after 44. My periods were erratic having 3 in 8 weeks is a good indication something is going on. A few years ago I had one lasting 19 days, ob/gyn said it sounded like I was perimenopausal. Yippee!! I am now embracing this transition because I have been healing and growing.

Last year in April is when I started facing those childhood wounds. Very powerful experience. I have this butte I hike in the middle of town at night. It overlooks town and is very peaceful. I went up there because I was experiencing so much anger becuase MLCer vanished for the second time and I knew I neede to release this anger.

Anyway I went up there and prayed to let my anger go little did I know it was going to be the anger that I have held toward my mom for almost 24 years. Holy cow what an awaking. The next day I just sobbed when I realized it was my mom I was forgiving. I thought to myself I need to have lunch with my mom. A couple of hours later my mom texted me and asked me to go to lunch. I knew she would never understand if I tried explaining to her that I let go of my anger and that I would just have to sjow her through action. It was the most peaceful moment that I have had with my mom that I can remember.

My mom was a single, alcoholic mother at 16 and eventually had 4 children. I'm second oldest and most of the responsibility fell on me as my brother would except the responibility. My mom was married 4 times so I went through 3 of those divorces, lucky me. At 13 I was old enough to take care of the family so my mom could go party. She had so many boyfriends and as soon as I would establish a relationship with her boyfriends poof they were gone. Huge abandonment issues starting which have carried over into adulthood.

I let this anger go last year. Then other things started popping up as to why I feel and act the way I do. I was talking to my mom and I told her I was angry at my dad for being absent for 20 years. He apologized to me last year but never tried to change that. She wanted me to direct my anger toward her and I told her no I should be angry at him. She told me get over it. That was like finger nails on the chalkboard. I wanted her to quit protecting me from my own feelings. I do this also, I protect people from their own feelings, not good. I am working hard to change that habit. Feelings are good even if they do not feel so good at the time. I finally have learned to feel my feelings.

I protected my daughter from herself and that lead her down a not so good path but she has turned into an amazing young woman. I now remind people its ok to have your feelings and to make sure to feel those feelings because that is the only way to move through them. I have to remind myself to label my feelings so I can release the negative ones I am having.

I have done some child work and that has been powerful yet scary at the same time. It brought out a lot but very healing.

Back to my dad, once I let go of the anger I was able to communicate my needs to him. I was getting angry watching him post to the rest of the family members on FB but never on mine. That sent me over the edge especially when he just told me that he was sorry that he didn't take an active part in my life. That was his choice but my mom was trying to take responsibility for it and I wouldn't let her. It was like enough mom its ok for me to be angry and its ok that I direct it at the person who is making me angry. When my dad randomly posted to my FB that he loved me I jumped on it and told him that's all I need from her just a little acknowledgement. It wasn't hard to make me feel a part of his life, it was that simple.

Next the issue of my son getting married and leaving for boot camp. I would say this experience is teaching me how to grow up emotionally. I am very close to my children and this was hard for me to accept but accepting is what I knew I had to do because I couldn't stop it. I mourned the loss of the relationship that we had for almost a year. He knew it was hard on me to take the step back and let him start his own family. I was his mom first but now I am mom second he now has a wife. Then his leaving for boot camp. The day he left was the day I knew that he was physcially leaving for good. That meant no more hikes, motorcycle rides, dinner, and all the other things that we did. His life was changing and growing and what a blessing this has been too even though it was emotionally hard on me. I cried every day for almost a year.

Here I am now almost a year later and am ready to accept my life now longer as a fulltime mom but just being ME. I have some many good times ahead of me to share with my children and ones of those things is stepping back and watching them grow into the people they were meant to be. I am no longer afraid of the life that lies ahead of me as I know it will be the best life ever. I have been shown how wonderful life can be and for me it took this adversty to really understand how much life is about living and living it to the fullest.

[Foxberry]

This is all very interesting....my BD was 14 September 2010, is that the entrance to Replay or was it earlier last year?

Love and hugs
Fox xxx

[limitless]

Fox,
I know that you are trying to figure out where your H is in the tunnel.
I have driven myself crazy trying to figure it out.  Honestly, it is a waste of good time to do so.  I couldn't stop myself from doing it and obsessing about it.  I am just now, finally, accepting the process that is MLC.  Accepting the process involves "letting it be" and letting go of the timline.
I believe that it will not be until the crisis is over or near the end - that one can look back and see the progress through the tunnel.
The stages state that Replay begins either before or at BD.  This is not an exact science.  No two crisis are the same.  On another posting board, a MLCer (who had exited the tunnel) stated that the LBS should not pay too much attention to the timeline that Replay ends 1-2 years after BD.  This MLCer gave the "I don't love you" speech 8-10 months before reaching Acceptance. 
Other MLCers spend 1,2, or 3 years (or longer) in Replay.  Some never get out of the tunnel (Although, it's been said that this happens rarely).
Who knows?
The statistics may show that an MLCer enters Replay at BD, spend 1.5 years in Replay, Reaches Depression and Withdrawal and Acceptance in the next 1-2 years.  If your MLCer doesn't follow this timeline - then WHAT does that mean?  It means that he is on his own timeline.  One that you cannot control.
I think the written stages are a guideline to give the LBS an IDEA of what may happen and when.  The MLCer doesn't punch a timeclock and, thus, exits the tunnel when he exits the tunnel.
The stages just give up an idea of what the MLCer may face.  They also tell us that "MLC Takes Time."  Unfortunately, it take a whole lot of TIME.
That's why we need to GAL, live "as if", have some fun, accomplish some goals - do some things that we wouldn't have had the opportunity to do - if we were still with our spouses.  OP says that we have been given the "gift of time."  When I read this, I didn't think that it was much of a gift.  It was a gift I didn't want.  I am starting to feel differently. 
I'm going to make use of this time.  I'm going to grow.  Do a little traveling.  Put away some money.  De-clutter my life.  Do things that I wouldn't have done - otherwise.

Take the time to read about the stages.  Find comfort that many go through them and exit the tunnel.  And, then go on with living.

Hugs,

L

[Heart to Heart]

Excellent post Laursecan! 

A very nice summary of key MLC facts...let go, no two crises are the same, "general" timeframes, MLC TAKES TIME, and this CAN be a gift of time, if we let it be so.  Although a heartbreaking time in our lives, we must GAL, make those goals to do new and different things.  My world has certainly been expanding this past year...becoming a stronger self, making new friendships, and most of all deepening my relationship with God.  OP is right.  This time of struggle can also be a gift if we choose to see it as a gift.  It's all about having a good attitude and self-discipline...and good friends!   

[Foxberry]

Dear Laura,

Thank you for taking the time to write that excellent scenario for me...I am far too simplistic about everything, as you say my H didn't punch a time-clock!  If I'm truthful, I see 'hope' in the tiniest details and cling onto it, as though I were falling off a cliff and someone threw me a cheese straw to hold on to    

One of these days my bomb will drop that H IS GONE - and for the foreseeable, he aint coming back! Not sure I'd want him now anyway after everything he's done to me and my Son.... Doing things for me is life changing isn't it? Not something I'm used to doing, my life was my H...and I felt as though the rug had been pulled from under me and I'm still rolling around on the floor looking for some kind word, or some word of inspiration that will help me onto my feet.....

I made Letting Go's life a misery yesterday, with asking her to analyze every thing my H said to me verbally and in a letters/texts/emails since BD in September 2010 ..Did her opinions and advise help?   Yes hugely, if it's done nothing else it's made me see that this situation, my life, H's life, are in God's hands now....He and He alone will decide what is to happen next in this drama and I can't FIX anything, no matter how I go over and over and over things....  I'm going to try my best to stop writhing around on the floor, and to coin a song  "Pick myself up, dust myself off and start all over again."   

Just thought I would let everyone know there is a song by Michael Bolton called "letting go" - YouTube it if you can....it is inspirational, very sad, but inspirational nevertheless. 

God Bless you all on this rainy Sunday in England, but I know if I carry on the Sun will come out for me....

Love to you all
Foxberry xxx

[Bewildered]

Foxberry where in england are you as its sunny with me??
thought you may find this a MLC er in the tunnel
The Bongle
The Bongle had a foot for a nose
And stood on his fingers
Instead of his toes
He had hands but not feet
Thin legs like a spider
A waist slim and narrow
Although his shoulders were wider
His head tall and oblong
Grew out from between
With one eye of orange
And another of green
A large rubbery tongue
Hung down to his chin
His mouth was quite large
And spread in a grin
His bottom was rounded
And swelled from behind
I stood there dumbfounded
He looked out of his mind
The Bongle was bonkers
Or so I was told
He had the mind
Of a mischievous
Five year old
He liked to break wind
Because that’s how he spoke
And the clouds
From his bottom
Wafted like smoke
The gas would change colour
Depending on mood
But the Bongle’s intention
Was not to be rude
He had very few friends
Because of his nature
A talkative fellow
Although a rather
Odd creature!

The Bongle
poem winning boker prize for uner 16 teens

[Dontgiveup]

Laursecan

That was indeed an excellent post.

I agree about not focusing much on the stages.  What my experience so far is showing me is that the stages will be seen more clearly in hindsight (which I guess is fairly obvious).  In my situation, for example, I have seen no anger from my ex-wife in close to a year now (which is refreshing).  The "good" thing about her anger was that it helped me to detach.....go be angry at someone else babe, because what you are spewing to me is irrational and I don't believe it (ie...the use of the words always and never).

You can find some information on the web about MLC being "temporary" or a "phase".  Just make sure what you are reading is valid information that you find trustworthy. 

RCR mentions MLC being temporary in the Introduction article about Personality Disorders.  The difference between a Personality Disorder and MLC is the MLC is temporary.  And, again, "temporary" in MLC time frames can be 2-10 years, which in itself it enough variance to not pay too close of attention to stages.

I recommend for anyone to read and re-read the aritcles.  You will find information in cyberspace about how MLC is just some bored, middleage dude that's unhappy with his life.....and I'm not saying that can't happen....because I'm definitely no expert.  What is so good about the articles on this website is that they go deep and detailed into what MLC is.....which is a true emotional crisis.

[Foxberry]

PMd you Bewildered!

Poem fantastic!  How good is that, could be describing my H    

Fox xxx

[limitless]

Bewildered - loved the Bongle poem!
Fox - I assure you that you didn't make Letting Go's life "miserable" yesterday.
I am sure that she was happy to comment and give you that feedback.
Honestly, it really helps to share feedback with others.
As I have said on another thread yesterday (maybe it was mine?)  - I can SEE things so clearly in others' sitch - I just can't see clearly in my own.  I think that that is true for most of us.
That's one of the reasons why having each other on this board is so important.
We are going to cycle, just like our MLCer.  Sometimes we will be pillars of strength, other times we will be down - ready to give up.
Share those feelings when they come.  Others' here - will help you through it.  Just like you will be helping others - in the future.

You will be okay, Fox.  That I am sure of.
Sometimes, that's all I needed when I came here.  Someone to tell me that I was okay.  I wasn't crazy.  I wasn't alone.  Yep.  That's it.

Hugs,

L

[HeartsBlessing]

IF ALL ISSUES are NOT faced while within the tunnel; down the road will come another bout of crisis; and it will be worse than the first.

You MUST allow the MLC'er time and space to face their issues; and work these through...and even then there are NO guarantees that they will face everything...this is an individual journey; up to the person going through, and no one else.

I've had the experience of a spouse who didn't face all of his issues in the initial tunnel; and he went through a second bout of crisis; I did NOT push him, nor did I pressure him....I gave him his necessary space; and he did exit the tunnel; but he tried to set aside one very painful issue; the issue of his parent's divorce at age 7, and it didn't work...within two years of his exit, that issue came back and dragged him under; throwing him into a different kind of tunnel; but one similar to the first crisis.

There was a 'let down' at the time of the exit; that triggered a purge of my own feelings, but I didn't know what that was; but I do now; the exit wasn't "right"; and I never foresaw what happened next..

And even if I had; there would NOT have been anything I could have done about it; as you cannot force people to face their issues; they must do this on their own.

This secondary bout lasted a little over 6 years; and there wasn't much, if anything, that I could do about it.

Since he had already made all of the major decisions in his first crisis; the rules of engagement changed for this secondary bout; and I found myself standing toe to toe with and fighting hard, a 7 year old child; who was rebellious; and intent on getting his way; the man was in hiding; behind the child; he didn't know what to do; and the child was a nasty human being that I wanted to take a switch to, many times.

He did come out of this; after breaking his ankle, that got his attention in a way; I could NOT have...yet, it still took nearly a year after that event.

The person he should have become all those years ago, is in place NOW; and I'm grateful.

The point being, NOTHING gets past the crisis; EVERYTHING must be faced....this realization has shot home to me more than once.

Life is never lived straightforward; and there aren't any people that I know of that don't have some kind of problem to live and deal with.

And, regardless of who you are married to; or even if you live alone, there are always problems; as no life is ever perfect...there are better aspects within; but there are never any guarantees of smooth sailing.