[Not Applicable]

We hear so much about the tunnel and talk about it but I have never seen anywhere that it is actually defined clearly. What would you say the tunnel is from your perspective?

The most tunnel-like thing I have observed about my husband is the narrowness of his thinking and decision making process. He's fixated on very few things and things are good or bad based on those things alone and all other factors are getting ignored, at least in terms of what he acknowledges to me. He seems to lack the ability to imagine and dream about possibilities beyond his narrow focus. He comes across as at least trying to seem very sure of himself, but the only reason he is certain is because he is ignoring so much else that does not fit with his current vision. Add to that the lack of ability to feel emotions and you have someone who is seeing the world through a very limiting filter. I feel he is actually afraid to see anything outside his tunnel vision. There's also a total lack of talking about the future and I think that is fear too, except for discussing future home improvement plans etc. which we have lots of good and fruitful discussions about and that's one area where we can still really engage in a totally positive and beneficial manner.

It's like he's a donkey pulling a cart with blinders on, moving along in traffic and not seeing the cars around him that could hit him at any time. If the owner took off the blinders, he would be too paralyzed in fear to move.

What's your perspectives on your spouses' tunnels?

[Roma]

Hi Changing,

I have heard The Tunnel' used in a couple of ways. Some use it as still in the crisis, some use it as still in Replay.

I use it as still in Replay because the MLCer can come into the light and move on through the MLC stages or stay in the 'darkness'  if they have not addressed their issues yet whatever they may be.

[sparklestar]

Hi Changing,

Yep pretty much as Elegance said, I see the tunnel as 'replay' the phase thatcthey must pass through and which they eventually come out of. It's the fog. They are essentially lost in something they have to go through/come out of.

It's not necessarily linear though, they can towards the end as I understand it come out and then run back in (when they start facing the reality of what they have done) RCR has some really good articles on it.

Reading some of the stories from MLCrs and their LBSs that reconciled it's clear that the MLCr really was lost and thought some crazy stuff while in the tunnel it's almost as if they say they were indeed 'taken over' 'body snatched' etc this is why I just can't believe that it's just so ignored by mental health professionals and not more wildly known about.

Joe Beam has a podcast it's on the thread about limerance on here. He talks about it as the 5 stages of grief essentially MLC is just that / it's grief / loss of something tangible or intangible so if we can see it like that we get a better understanding....

[Not Applicable]

I've read all the articles but I'm more curious as to why it is compared to a tunnel.  What makes it like a tunnel in your opinion? There's also the fog metaphor, which has its own implications but for months now the tunnel metaphor really is the one that fits my husband best.

[sparklestar]

I guess because it's something you 'go through' and a tunnel is normally a way from one place to another? The phrase 'light at the end of the tunnel' can be likened to their awakening  etc I.e they come out of it and see the light (face the demons). Coming out of the tunnel isn't the end of MLC it's the coming out of the avoid/escape ready to see what they need to deal with which will likely be the original unhappiness/issues they tried to run from/avoid and all the new crazy mess they have created....

I get the darkness thing - it's pretty dark in the MLC land...

[Seekingpatience]

Hi Changing4Ever, 

To me, the tunnel is a metaphorical for a journey, much like a rite of passage from immaturity to maturity.

HeartsBlessings, and I am only giving my interpretation here,  uses the term mainly for Replay as she says after the first awakening (realising what they have done and not being able to then "unsee" the damage feel guilt and continue to "run" in the tunnel. They are still in the tunnel until the second awakening when they start to feel remorse ie not "just look at the damage" but also "what can I do to make amends for that damage?" They then move forward to the  2 healing stages towards Acceptance and Reintegration.

So while the timing of the entrance of the tunnel ( a life-altering event - loss of job, death of a parent or sibling or close friend) is determined  in hindsight , being within the tunnel can commonly be established ie bombdrop. The exiting is more up to the individual and the issues that are being faced and settled. (Closing the doors ) and all this is not a single event but more of an ebb and flow thing ...like tides over a period of time.

These are only the signposts. To me, the tunnel is a construct of a person who is having an identity crisis in search of themselves. They have to burrow, delve, dig deeper than they have ever dug before INSIDE themselves and that is painful so they run but all the while the funhouse mirrors and the turnings and twists are moving them forward , some are forever lost,  some may use the "chicken exit" and thereby miss the lessons of the journey, while others "go with the flow" too weak to "face their demons of the past" and exit without fully learning the lessons. There are so many outcomes to the exiting of the tunnel, the ideal is of course to learn to stand up and conquer these demons by acknowledging them and letting  them go. The aim is to live an authentic life, which is truly freeing 

My take.

Peace and strength

[OldPilot]

I have merged this thread in with  previous discussions of the same topic, that included much wisdom.

I think RCR also describes it as looking like a slinky that goes round and round but only moves forward by the width of metal on the slinky.
I always liked this description because it gives you a better idea how long this may take if you understand that it is not a straight line.

[Trustandlove]

I absolutely agree with the "slinky" metaphor; and it is a HUGE circle -- only to move "forward" just that half millimetre...

[Thunder]

I agree with everything Sparklestar said.   

[Velika]

I was curious about this description too. I often assumed it was to describe the level of consciousness/awareness MLCer had at each point of the "journey"/breakdown/illness.

I saw the metaphor to be: At the beginning and end there is more "light"/clarity, but in the middle it is very dark/no clarity/MLCer's actions are very unconscious and they are unaware of time, chronology, others around them, etc.

I myself acted like someone in a crisis when I had a bad reaction to birth control in my twenties. I felt very disconnected from others, even those I knew I loved and liked. I remember feeling ashamed knowing I was making bad decisions but didn't know how to get out of the bad decisions I had made. While mine involved abruptly switching graduate programs (which involved an international move and a lot of wasted tuition money), I remember telling a friend something along the lines of, "I have found my niche!" just like my MLC-H suddenly found his "niche" with OW. It was a kind of fanfasy/wishful thinking that turned out not to be true, because it didn't solve my internal discomfort and I soon felt just as disconnected to this new field of study as I had to the last. It was like I couldn't "commit" to anything.

It really was a sense of "dis-ease" that RCR describes. It wasn't mental only, it was a constant physical tension. I guess if I look back I don't know if I would describe it as a tunnel -- maybe a different vibrational frequency in some ways. It went away as soon as I stopped taking the pills, although I guess there were some identity issues as well. It truly very unconscious, like a fog. I moved several times, and two of those times I remember having moments of not understanding why I had chosen the living situations I found myself in.

I don't know if that will help, but it may explain how a person can act out of character because of a biophysiological reason plus identity issues, feeling aware of their poor decision-making but unable to extricate themselves.

It is true that there is likely nothing anyone could have said or done for me at the time to help me out of it, but the kindness and acceptance of my family helped me. Judgments and criticisms really did just push me farther in as I was "hiding" in many ways.

When I stopped taking the pills I went to visit my parents in the country I grew up in. I felt this trip reconciled a lot of the identity issues and gave me more of a foundation. But again -- I only made this good decision for myself once I was not under the influence of synthetic hormone (ie likely depressed).

Modification: I am now really thinking of this period and remembering (still feeling ashamed) that I monstered and blamed my parents many times almost in exact same way my MLC-H monsters/blamed me. It did not help when they argued back or got angry with me because I felt truly wretched and misunderstood. I still feel gratitude that when I finally went to visit my parents they treated me with so much love and acceptance. It really was like they gave me/I found the "home" that was missing in my heart.

Another thing, just like a MLCer, I avoided many people from my past. I felt ashamed, a failure, like an outlier, for things I now realize all people in their twenties go through. It's actually helpful for me to remember this as I can use this when interacting with my MLC-H.