[Rollercoasterider]

I have not read this yet as I have to get going in a few minutes--so I hope to read it when I get home later.
My friend Beverly Willet emailed the link to me. She and Vicki Larson (they both blog for Huffington Post) are debating whether a divorce should be difficult to obtain or whether the process is already difficult.
http://www.nytimes.com/roomfordebate/2013/02/13/when-divorce-is-a-family-affair

[Rollercoasterider]

Comments are allowed--though I don't know, maybe you have to be a subscriber to the paper. But Beverly gets a lot of flack for having been a Stander--though she did not use that term when she was going through it. Her husband filed for divorce and it took several years. She contested, but it also took years because when there is a lot to sort out, they can take years. But people just assume she was trying to drag it out.
So she could use supportive comments.

[Trustandlove]

I will say that I found the comments made for very depressing reading, at least for me.  They also assume that it was the woman who wanted out, because of the extreme failings of her H.  There were a few comments where the person tried to see the other side, even one from someone who had been divorced and wondered if they might have been the ideal candidates for a recovery programme, but on the whole it seemed like a lot of vitriol....  I don't feel strong enough to write a coherent comment for them; perhaps at some point?

This is what we have to encounter so often, the idea that every divorce is totally justified, that the marriage must have been awful, and so on.   

[TrustingMyHP]

I agree t&l, extremely depressing reading re the comments section.

I thought Beverly made a strong argument for her cause but, clearly, the people who read the NYT, at least, have a different point of view.

Depressing indeed.

TMHP

[OldPilot]

Did Beverly post on DB? I know that she has MWD on the Coalition.

[Rollercoasterider]

Did Beverly post on DB? I know that she has MWD on the Coalition.

No, at least not that I am aware of.

[Anjae]

No fault-divorce is just a very unfair thing. However I agree divorce should be done outside of court. Mediation or or collaborative law should do.

Divorce can be easy, and we know that sometimes a LBS needs a divorce, but what should be really easy, and fast, is support to the one who did not choose divorce. At least in my country that is pretty slow. But here, even a court divorce is slow.

I have mixes feeling about divorce, kids, family. On one side I think many people divorce just for the sake of it at the first bump on the road; on the other knowing how it is to have parents who do not want to be together and the kids are affected by it, I don’t see a reason for people who don’t stand each other to remain married.

MIL and FIL remained married for decades after their marriage was over. FIL had OW, MIL would even pack his suitcase for him to spend weekend, or week, with OW. FIL would leave, or not to attend Christmas, to be with OW. Mr J has a deep wound from is dad behaviour and always thought MIL should had divorced FIL. That FIL being allowed both lives was a terrible thing, that MIL was not serving her kids right.

FIL wanted to divorce, MIL did not. Not because she was a stander but because she is a catholic.  MIL end up divorced, years after Mr J and me were married. Remaining married to her husband who lead a double life was not good to the kids.

FIL was not having a MLC. He is a philanderer, FIL and MIL relationship soon fade. When MIL was pregnant with Mr J, FIL was already spleeping around. Mr J knows it and was never able to forgive his dad or MIL. His dad for the action, MIL for have allowed it.

So, should one always remain married? Even when your marriage is just a farce and your husband is a philanderer, just for the sake of the kids? I would say, no, you should not remain married if that is what is going on.

In most cases people would be capable of working things out if they knew how and have a better support network.

Beverly does not identify as a stander. Even if she said I was a stander, it would require people to know what it means and what is a MLC. People don’t know, they are only reacting to what they are reading.

If I didn’t knew about MLC I would consider Beverly insane. Why want to stay married to someone who does not love you and go through all the pain?

And we really cannot make people stay in a marriage they don’t want to stay in. However divorce should be harder to get, with a few exceptions like violence, adultery, abandonment. We defend stading, I’m not in favour of divorcing just because a spouse cheated but a person should have the right to fast divorce an adulterous spouse if one chooses to. As for violence and abandonment, think everyone agrees that no one has to stay married to someone who does that. And lest not forget not all adulterous or spouses who are violent or abandon are in MLC.